MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'A Woman of Many Parts' source. Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:01:35 +0100 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=5206812&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F09%2Fbbc-news-charter-schools-winning.html :'via Blog this'No excuses culture and every student who gets in will get to College. We could do this here. (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=5206812 Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:00:00 +0100 5206812 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=5174821&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F08%2Fnotting-hill-carnival-duty-and-pleasure.html I went to the Carnival in Notting Hill because I felt it was imperative that I went. That as a Londoner I needed to support London and its reflection in the outside world.  The brief flares of rioting are only a small minority and the vast outpouring of emotion, sunshine, music and dance that I felt today were fantastic and just a small fraction of the mirrored London that I see around me every day.  I nearly wept so many times; felt terribly emotional as I looked around me at everyone dancing on the floats, in the streets and the beauty of the costumes too.  The music was so loud the ground really did shake, not just a cliche.  The thumping rhythm shook all the way up my legs and the steel bands clattered their tunes into the air. A wonderful, wonderful day. (Source: A... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=5174821 Sun, 28 Aug 2011 23:00:00 +0100 5174821 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=5159645&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F08%2Fand-people-wonder-where-our-rioters.html Not in Education, Employment or Training overload (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=5159645 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 23:00:00 +0100 5159645 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=5159646&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F08%2Fresults.html It's been a bit of a week in the Minerva household.  First was the turn of the Eldest daughter who received her A2 results last Thursday. They were, thank goodness, super so the day which also happened to be her 18th birthday did turn out to be a good one.  This Thursday comes the turn of my twin daughters who receive their GCSE results.  I am a bit of a worrier, to be fair, and I am not just worried about the grades in an absolute sense but also about the relative equality. There is another question though as well.  My daughters go to private schools. I don't justify it, but they do and their results and the results of their fellow students are outstanding.  My eldest daughters' friends all achieved their offers several with the same kind of fantastic results tha... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=5159646 Mon, 22 Aug 2011 23:00:00 +0100 5159646 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=5159647&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F08%2Fits-been-ages.html Life, for once, instead of hitting me right between the eyes has drifted either side.  I feel as in a dinghy on a smooth river; the sun is shining on my skin and my bones feel warm.  That lovely feeling after winter when you come out of your darkened house and blink, like a mole, when you see the light.  Life is passing, and the current, for now, runs smooth. My beautiful daughters grow by the day both more beautiful and more argumentative - vital ingredients for a 'good' adolescence and the fledgling relationship started just after the second bout of cancer has continued despite all the pitfalls that that sentence implies.  I have been incredibly lucky that I have escaped, and moreover, that my mind has escaped too. I mean that I sometimes forget that I have had cance... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=5159647 Sat, 20 Aug 2011 23:00:00 +0100 5159647 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3890571&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F08%2Fgoal-setting.html We don't do enough of it; we certainly don't think enough about the lives we lead. In other words, setting goals and plans for the future.  That is why, just before my own New Year, as the school year is to me, I sit down, and think through where I want to be in a year, three years and even five or ten years.  I haven't dared to this for ages; too frightened to think about the next treatment but as I have only a year to go before my 'five years' is up, I am eagerly peering around the door, trying to peek into the next room, the next year.  I have been on hold over the last 4 years.  I have dreams, plans for the future, and am only just starting to unpack the attic box of the future, dusting off hopes and fears that I had almost forgotten I had.  An extension for th... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3890571 Fri, 20 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100 3890571 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3889268&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F08%2Fholidays.html During Cancer we couldn't have holidays.  As I was on half pay, and hadn't met the man in my life yet, we were only reliant on my salary, and as I have three children, I didn't have the financial resources, or the energy to go anywhere.  We stayed in London working on the house, moseying around reading books, and the girls would arrange to go and see their friends, and have friends back to the house as well. Having just come back from two weeks in the sun, I have vowed that should I be in the same circumstances again, I will never forgo the holiday.  I may go and stay with a friend, or house sit, or beg a couple of rooms somewhere but I will go away. The foreigness of somewhere else, the soul, body and mind needs the refreshment of change, I think.  I feel revitalised,... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3889268 Thu, 19 Aug 2010 23:00:00 +0100 3889268 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3614657&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F05%2Fso-what-have-i-been-doing.html Strange how returning and writing this blog is much like seeing an old friend after a protracted absence.  At some point, one turns and says, 'so what exactly have you been up to all this time?' Of course, although these are the words that come out of your mouth, they are not exactly what you mean.. On the contrary, what you mean to say, would like to say is 'what on earth have you been doing which means that you haven't called me?' As a recluse, and believe me, I am one, I am always at a loss at this point, because the fact is, I haven't called you, but it hasn't been because of a concrete reason.  I can lie and say that I was rebuilding an extension in the back yard, discovering how to build a synthetic genome, or even writing the Coalition manifesto but only because the realit... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3614657 Sat, 29 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100 3614657 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3592373&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F05%2Fits-been-while.html Hello all. Can you see me waving at you? I am back; I did try and leave, did try and start up numerous blogs detailing some aspect or other of my life, but somehow I kept coming back here.  Somehow, this page is my page, my space, my scratched corner of the wide web sculpture. It seems appropriate that just after two years after my last post, I have returned, shy, edging into the room like a gawky teenager, feeling the keys alien beneath my fingers.  Not quite hitting the keys in the same rhythm as when I left. So much has changed in those two years.  My hair for a start has regrown.  I have had a scare since; last November another lump in exactly the same place which was nothing but scar tissue, but still another operation, general anesthetic and a return into hospita... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3592373 Sat, 22 May 2010 23:00:00 +0100 3592373 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1432542&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Ffull-up.html Full upLike a swimmer bursting to the surface, the sun has come out in my life. I have got back in control and back on top of my emotions, my family and my job. I am just, frankly, so goddamn content at the moment.I am settling slowly back into work and my normal working pattern. My beloved daughters are, as ever, gorgeous and I have started exercising regularly and even eating well. I have even started a writing course which is stretching my writing and making me consider seriously whether I am, in fact, a fiction writer, or, as I think I am, a poet..So, you see, my life is full and brimming. Thank you all so much for all your notes and comments. I have read every one and they have helped me come through the tunnel.Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1432542 Fri, 09 May 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1432542 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1322038&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F03%2Fdefinitely-down.html So the past month has been horrible; a time to forget, and move on away from. I have been so down, but down without fully realising what has been happening to me. My concentration is shot to pieces, any work takes me hours and I never seem to finish. The stress generated by my inability to work to my previous standards engenders, naturally, even more pressure. I can't sleep, and when I wake in the morning, I can't get up. The joy has gone from my life and I am irritable with all I love, save my girls, for some reason. And, every time I am irritable with someone I love, I beat myself up completely about it. I have written reams of self hate diatribe and yet, somehow, I watch my fingers typing with no understanding of where these feelings are coming from.Certainly, I tried to rationalise i... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1322038 Sun, 23 Mar 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1322038 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1258218&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Ffinally.html Finally, the clouds are lifting. At last, my mood seems to be climbing up again having been really low over the past month or so. I have been irritable, grumpy with those I love and sleeping an incredible amount. I have also wondered, to be honest, if I was depressed and contemplated meeting a doctor and going onto anti-depressants. I used to be on them, and in fact, only came off in the early Summer after being on them for over twenty years. Because I am a manic depressive, I do have a very sensitive antenna as far as my moods are concerned so when my mood started turning on Sunday I was concerned lest it was a blip of happiness in a TV screen of darkness.But, it appears to be settling in and staying. And that sense of energy and activity has helped me start to tackle the everyday problem... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1258218 Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1258218 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1236971&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Firony.html How ironic that having faced what was, probably, the greatest fight of my life, that I am struggling so much with dealing with real life. When you are dying, everything gets slightly left. After all, what on earth is the point of painting the house, fixing the car, sorting out the junk, when you are not going to be around to see it?But now, now that I am not going to 'shuffle my mortal coil', for a certain time, I feel as though I really can't cope. I am snowed under at work, but unable to concentrate so everything is taking twice as long. Other people, dear family and friends, have naturally ratcheted up their expectations, but I feel I can't meet them. I feel in a vortex of confusion, tiredness and apathy, and I have no idea why.Hence, I may add, the lack of posting. I figure that after ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1236971 Sat, 16 Feb 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1236971 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1173237&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fmemo.html I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have cancer - how bizarre is that? Tonight I drove past a Centre which is being built next to my hospital for people who are living with cancer. Just one week ago I was talking to a counsellor about being a regular visitor there and about telling my children that I had secondary cancer.Just a week ago, I was having the CT scan which has changed my life. I have never had a day like Friday where, suddenly, the world's worries were completely lifted from my shoulders. I completely understand how someone on Death Row feels after a pardon, because I truly felt that I was really alive, that I had my life back, and that the world lies open to me.The thing is that cancer has constantly been at my elbow for nearly two and a half years. It has haunted my ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1173237 Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1173237 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1163241&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fquestions.html So how does that happen? How do I get diagnosed with secondary cancer in my thymus and right axilla in September and then cancer free in January? Let's review the evidence;September: CT scan which reveals that thymus gland is enlarged. Could be as a result of chemo but Prof wants to check with a PET scan.Late September: PET scan which reveals cancer around the thymus and under the right axilla.October: Needles put into right armpit to try and take out some cancer cells for analysis. No cancer cells found.December: PET scan reveals that cancer has spread from thymus and right armpit into the neck as well. Doctor reluctant to start treatment based on PET scan as still so new and high rate of false positives so he orders a CT scan for early January. (Thank goodness - I could be having chemo... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1163241 Sun, 20 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1163241 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1161044&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fnews.html Brace yourselves, this will be a shock.. As of today, as of this morning, I am cancer free. Yes, you did read that right. The CT scan showed No Sign of Disease otherwise known as NED. I am crying with relief as I write this. I do not have cancer, but I have a future with my children, I have a career, I have a life.Back when I have calmed down!In exultation,Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1161044 Fri, 18 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1161044 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1158235&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Ffritghtened.html Frightened.I am so scared that I am physically feeling sick. I keep crying at silly stuff on television and tears spring into my eyes every time I talk to someone I care about. I so want someone to take me away from all this fear.I keep telling myself that it is either that it is spreading or that it isn't; that this is something that I can be logical about; that the first diagnosis is the worst, and you know what? It isn't working.What on earth did I do to deserve this? What can I do against such an implacable, fierce enemy that stops at nothing, that plunders and ravages my body without stopping? How can I possibly convey the sheer terror that is making me descend into panic?It is like it hasn't really hit and it is deciding to tonight. I have no idea how I am going to sleep, eat, and te... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1158235 Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1158235 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512911&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Ffritghtened.html .I am so scared that I am physically feeling sick. I keep crying at silly stuff on television and tears spring into my eyes every time I talk to someone I care about. I so want someone to take me away from all this fear.I keep telling myself that it is either that it is spreading or that it isn't; that this is something that I can be logical about; that the first diagnosis is the worst, and you know what? It isn't working.What on earth did I do to deserve this? What can I do against such an implacable, fierce enemy that stops at nothing, that plunders and ravages my body without stopping? How can I possibly convey the sheer terror that is making me descend into panic?It is like it hasn't really hit and it is deciding to tonight. I have no idea how I am going to sleep, eat, and teach throug... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512911 Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:00:00 +0100 2512911 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1154022&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fboxes.html are what my life consists of. On the one hand I have home, family, children, school. I have life, options, plans, careers and a future. I have warmth,love, fun, laughter, enjoyment and fulfillment.On the one hand, I am the luckiest girl on the planet.On the other hand, I have Cancer. I have sickness, hospitals, drips, gowns, tests and scans. I have death lurking at my elbow, illness breathing down my neck and disability clinging to my every step. On the other hand, I am hellishly unlucky.My life at the moment is utterly compartmentalised and to be honest, if that works for me then that should be fine. And, to be fair, in the main, it does. At school and at home I get on with my life. I talk to my friends about appointments or scans in the car to and from work or in coded language and, I ca... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1154022 Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1154022 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1148190&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fbig-week.html Big WeekThere is a lot on this week. My CT scan is tomorrow afternoon and the results on Friday. A CT scan to double check the results of my PET scan before Christmas.I have to say that I have completely submerged my Cancer reality somewhere below the Titanic's resting place at the moment. There is, in my current life, no time, no space and no place for illness, disease and debilitation. I am writing lesson plans like there is no tomorrow, furiously scribbling to-do lists and organising my three children as well as trying to plan a holiday in the summer. Additionally our headmaster is doing on the spot observations of our lessons for the next two weeks and I am nervous as I so want to prove that I can still do it.It isn't as effortless as it used to be. I feel the arthritis in my bones whe... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1148190 Sun, 13 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1148190 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1146418&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fsick-and-tired.html I am fed up of this cancer lark. I can't deny that all the attention was fun in the beginning but it really is beginning to be a bit of a drag, I mean, all these scans and doctors. I mean, anyone would think I was actually sick because I certainly don't feel it! I supposedly have cancer now in three places: thymus; right armpit and now, the left side of my neck. But do I feel ill?The hell I do. I am decidedly stressed because of school. I have so much to do still, get my book written, maybe get this blog published, write diaries for the girls, plan my lessons for next week, and see my friends who I have been neglecting of late, I just don't have the time to be sick as well. I mean - honestly!Maybe whoever controls this C stuff could send me a bit of a sniffle instead? A headache perhaps or... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1146418 Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1146418 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1138112&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fstress.html My path has turned uphill recently and I am finding the road hard. It is full of stones which keep making me falter and the steep gradient and twisted signs mean I keep getting lost and disheartened. Actually talking or trying to face the situation that I am in makes tears prick at my eyelids and the sheer effort of getting up in the mornings for work, is, for the first time in four years, hard. I ache constantly in my hips and my knees and standing after sitting for any period of time means my muscles contract and I limp for the first few paces.I am tired, so very tired. Sleep is constantly just beyond my fingers' grasp, and when I do finally succumb, I sleep the sleep of the blessed, no dreams, no turning, just blind darkness which doesn't seem to refresh me. In everyday life, we, all of... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1138112 Wed, 09 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1138112 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1126217&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2F2008.html 2007 is waving goodbye: its pale fingers just disappearing over the horizon as 2008 blazes into view. I am thrilled to be saying goodbye. 2007 was a horrid year for me marked by docetaxel, disability and dread. 2007 wasn't just stained by cancer, it was soaked by it, drenched in it and even though I face 2008 with the same diagnosis, I feel more accepting of the future.A New Year still holds a thrill, even after all the years I have seen come and go. The white blank page of those days waiting in front still hold a fascination. Who will remember us this year? What world will await us in December having started with such high hopes in January? Outside, in London the days are still short, grey and gloomy but in this heart, at least, hope of change, hope of simply hope burns like a candle in ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1126217 Wed, 02 Jan 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1126217 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1122162&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Ffind.html FindingsI found this today on my peregrinations across the web. It is beautiful, moving and speaks so loudly as the kind of person that I long to be but so often fail. Please go and read the full piece and offer your sympathies. Someone dying is awful at any time of year, but terribly poignant at Christmas.Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1122162 Sun, 30 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1122162 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1121278&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fpeace-day.html The 27th December in our house is called Peace Day after two years ago when exhausted by Christmas and the social rigours of Boxing Day we had a day entirely house bound. Peace Day is defined by laziness: pyjamas are de rigour; returns to the bedroom and duvets are entirely expected and playing games, eating lots of chocolate are the order of the day.A wonderful day until around 3pm when a derisory flick of the radio switch told us of an act which completely undermines Peace Day and the movement for peace the world over: the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Now I have no insight into the allegations of corruption or anything else, but I have always held her in the highest esteem and felt a special kinship with Benazir. She went to my university, she is a woman in a man's world and, to me a... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1121278 Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1121278 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512912&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fstill-on-edge.html Still On EdgeI am so touchy at the moment. I can't seem to take perfectly normal comments and laugh them off as usual. I snap or bite back and can't control myself. I don't do it to people I don't know but those I love most in the world and I have no idea why.I know that my beloved daughters are off tomorrow to their father's for a week and that may have something to do with it, or the return to work next week, or even that the curtain that shrouds the Christmas season from the rest of the year is slowly closing. Certainly, next year will be an even tougher year than this one. I have no idea if I will be celebrating next Christmas in a wheelchair, or even bed bound or walking. I don't know if the money I am currently being paid will go far enough in the forseeable future or even if there i... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512912 Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:00:00 +0100 2512912 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1119280&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fmoments.html .So what was really special about this Christmas? I have tried, here, to sum them up.Creeping into my girls' bedrooms to place their stockings at the end of their beds and giggling when the floorboard went. Our wonderful Christmas Eve meal where we laughed with joy at the sheer anticipation of the night and day ahead. The new tradition we established this year of buying each other Secret Santa presents worth a maximum of £3.00 each and laughing at the silliness of them all.The pound of excited feet up the stairs at 9.01am as they realised those lumps on their feet were stockings filled with exciting packages. The hug of one of my 12 year olds as she wanted to thank 'Santa' for the best presents ever. The most annoying present ever of a voice changer which Twin 2 insisted on saying absolut... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1119280 Fri, 28 Dec 2007 01:58:45 +0100 1119280 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512913&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fmishaps.html Last year, the house started leaking. My daughter's wall and ceiling stained brown from a leaking pipe and it took a plumber at exorbitant rates to find the leak, and then fix it, which as any gullible punter knows costs double and requires at least 5 visits to numerous hardware shops on behalf of the plumber.This year, it's the lights. My boyfriend and I decided to rewire our dimmer switches and 'pop!' the lights went. I sit here waiting for an emergency electrician to arrive. I tried calling 8 all of which were 'busy' over Christmas. I was asked to wait until the 2nd of January and with no downstair lights at all, that would be a bit of a hardship.Pathetic really isn't it? We look at videos of Africa and starving children every year. The pictures of floods in Java with the Tsunami. These... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512913 Fri, 28 Dec 2007 00:00:00 +0100 2512913 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1113954&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fhomeless.html I have been sitting here for hours. It is so cold I can feel the concrete through my thin blanket and my feet are completely lost to any sensation. I have a sign telling people I am homeless, found the pen in a chip shop and the card is a piece from a box left out in the rain. I have given up looking at the eyes of the shoppers: I feel so ashamed, so ashamed to be begging when others are out shopping for their loved ones. Mine are at home: I had to run away after my father walked out and my step father moved in. I can't bear the arguments, the shouting and the tears. I had to walk out, had to find my own way.And here it is on a cold street in the middle of London. So much for gold paved in the streets of the capital. There is nothing here, nothing but rushed parents looking for their last ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1113954 Sun, 23 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1113954 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1113410&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Finternet-shopping-isnt-easier.html Internet shopping ISN'T easier.I mean, that isn't strictly true. Yes, the packages have been rolling in through the second week of December and, to be honest, I am nearly done without really having to sniff a shop. But now, the situation has turned critical. My nephew's present was delivered to work instead of home and I have had to get another one delivered to my home address. And my mother's present which was meant to be delivered a couple of days ago hasn't arrived yet!So what do I do? Today I have waited in all day waiting for these deliveries, because you can bet, can't you, that as soon as I am out of sight of my front door, the van will draw up, the man with the electronic signature device will get out and ring my door. And then I will get another of the wrong type of Christmas card... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1113410 Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1113410 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1108695&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fscared.html ScaredI am a little nervous about tomorrow. I have just shrugged it off to others telling them that being told the first diagnosis is the worst, or that they can't tell me anything I don't already know, but my mind is constantly churning. I don't know what they are going to say tomorrow. Will there be a limiter? A two year/one year/ six month sentence? Will it have spread conspiciously to an organ of mine?And then, there's telling the kids. I mean, at the moment, there seems absolutely no point. I am well, I seem to be improving and there is no outward sign that I have this disease at all. My nose hasn't turned green, or my hair fallen out or anything of that ilk. And I really, really don't want to drop bad news on anyone at Christmas. Not because Christmas is not a time for bad news, but ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1108695 Fri, 21 Dec 2007 01:59:40 +0100 1108695 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512914&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fgood-news-ish.html Good News - ish.I suppose it is good news, she says, grudgingly. The cancer in my armpit and my thymus has not grown bigger or advanced. That is great but there is a possible new area in my neck. There is nothing to feel though so it could be a falst postitive as PETs are renowned for it. The problem is that they are so new the doctors do feel uncertain of how to proceed and need backup from other sources. The Prof. feels that it isn't enough to base treatment on so I have had blood tests for markers today and I am having a CT scan in three weeks time to see if they come up on that as well.So why, if it's good news, do I feel so down? Why do I feel so close to weeping? A friend has suggested that it is just the reality hitting again, and I am sure she is right. There is no easy way of dea... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512914 Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:00:00 +0100 2512914 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1107031&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Frush.html Wow, it's been busy. With the end of school and the commensurate celebrations that take place as well as the beginning of our Christmas preparations, I haven't had a minute to sit down and blog. Tomorrow I am off to the hospital again to find out what Mr C has got up to since our last snapshot together and the boyfriend arrives as well.So for today, I am clinging to a life raft of an island away from yesterday and tomorrow. Today we are going to snuggle inside my little house. The girls want to bake this afternoon and I can't wait to spend the time with them. Today, it is just us, just the animals and the girls having fun together.Maybe, just maybe, that is the real message of Christmas too.Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1107031 Thu, 20 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1107031 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1100146&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fmush.html I am not, by nature, a church goer or a church follower. I *think* I am still a Christian, but for obvious reasons my faith wavers mightily, like a candle in a draught. But, and it is a big but, I do love carols and churches before Christmas.Tonight, was my school's carol service. And as we sang 'The Holly and the Ivy' and 'Little Town of Bethlehem', I did have a bit of an out of body experience as myself, floating high by the stone columns watched the inner me, down in the pews slowly melt to mush.What is it about an organ, a choir and a harmonious chorus that is so moving? I felt tears prick at my eyes tonight as I looked back over Christmasses past, and those, I hope, to come. It was so special in the tiny little church, with my three children beside me and fellow parents, staff and chi... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1100146 Mon, 17 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1100146 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1097680&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fshopping.html . An afternoon spent at the temple of Mammon otherwise known as Ealing Broadway Shopping centre. The place was packed with harassed shoppers carrying huge bags full of boxes, presents and toys. It was more like a dodgem stall than a shopping centre as we blundered into other people, caught by huge bags twisted round hands white with the imprints of thin, cruel handles. Parents dragged small children through the shops, with admonishments of not to touch, not to stray, not to wander. Teenagers hung round corners, chatting with their friends and young lovers scowled with frowns of disappointment as their beloveds didn't telepathically pick out what they wanted for Christmas.The windows were bright with sale signs, reduced signs and so-called great bargains for Christmas. A feast of joy and bi... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1097680 Sun, 16 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1097680 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1097240&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Ffinally.html Finally Christmas really feels just around the corner. Today we decorated our tree, and somehow the ancient ritual smoothed the path to the clearing of Christmas. It started with tidying up my ridiculously untidy sitting room, moving to the second Act of rummaging in the dusty loft for the ancient box of decorations clawed to death by the three cats of the house. The last Act is always finding those lovely baubles which we forget every year only to be reminded just how glorious they are when they come out. Characters from childhood, and even the glittery ones we made the year my husband and I split up and we had no Christmas decorations from our marriage so we made them from shiny paper and ribbon. They, of course, because they are the oldest have the most special memories. Memories of th... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1097240 Sat, 15 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1097240 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1096185&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fdeath.html Death is all around me at the moment, but I don't mean in a bad way. How much of a paradox is that, or is it an oxymoron? I always get the two muddled. No, death is definitely on my mind, but it isn't in a depressing way or a self pitying way. No, it is rather on my mind like a trip to the supermarket, or getting the children ready for a new school term.I think of it as something to be approached practically and thoughtfully. I have considered visiting the local hospice to prepare myself, thinking of making a living will so that my wishes are respected, and of going to an undertaker's to find out what the options are and how much they are. My relatives and friends won't want to have all those worries as well as the fact that I will be gone.My children, luckily, are to a large extent taken ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1096185 Fri, 14 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1096185 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1093096&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fhappiness_13.html Tonight, the lights are on in my house. Tonight, three gorgeous children are snuggling around me on the old worn blue sofas. Tonight I have a hand on each child, and heads cuddling my lap. Tonight, my fears are calmed and my worries soothed.Tonight, I am a mother. Tonight my children, all my children are home and I am so content. Tonight life is wonderful. Tonight, I am exactly where and how I want to be. Tonight, being a mother at home, watching the television, normally a completely pedestrian activity is heightened to an extraordinary one.There is no greater love than a parent for their children, and tonight, my heart sings, soars and swoops in happiness at having my children back. I am doing what I was born to do, to nurture, succour and just be there.I am determined to try and hug this... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1093096 Thu, 13 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1093096 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1090483&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fhospitals.html So, the scan. Same boring routine. Into the hospital, up to Nuclear Medicine and greeted by the same girl as last time. Weighed, measured, and then radioactive material injected into my veins. Or at least that's the theory! The reality? Four jabs at my right arm and each time the veins came up empty. It took us half an hour to finally inject the serum. And how strange is it to have someone holding a lead lined syringe of radioactive material which they are injecting into my veins! An hour then of lying on a bed before an hour and a half in a low ceilinged cylindrical tube.As the material is taken up more quickly by cancer cells, you aren't allowed to move for the entire time so as not to disrupt the material. That makes an incredibly boring two and a half hours staring into space. Even lis... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1090483 Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1090483 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1087608&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fcold.html PeaceIt's turned cold in London. The chill kind of cold, where the dampness seeps through your clothes, your scarf and gloves into your bones. The cold that you can't shake off without a fire, and where your feet feel permanently chilled.It's dark as well. Dark when I wake up and dark when I leave work. The sun tries to break through clouds but it is rare, and even rarer seen. Winter has hit us and the snooze button on my alarm clock is in much greater use than before.My next PET scan is tomorrow and winter may be hitting my body too. I get the results in two weeks time and I have to say, that ostrich head of mine is hitting the earth's core at the moment. There is a strange ambivalence in my attitude to cancer at the moment. On the one hand, I need to mention it, need to name the darkness... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1087608 Tue, 11 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1087608 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1084238&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Ftwo-questions.html .Thank you to everyone who read the latest post and I am so glad it was helpful. Two questions arose: the first regarding hope and the second about what to say when first diagnosed.Well the second one is the easiest. No matter what, mention it. The situation I was given was that you bump into someone recently diagnosed and they don't mention it. Well, as far as I am concerned, go ahead. I won't mention it to people because I don't know if they know and I don't want to make people cry! If you go ahead and talk about it, that gives me the freedom to discuss it too. Oh, and by the way, mention the cancer word - don't hide around it. Don't say I hear you've been ill, or skirt around it: call the spade the flipping shovel. If you know, and if you have dealt with it, then talk about it in detail... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1084238 Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1084238 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1082104&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2F10-top-tips-to-help-someone-dying-of.html Whenever I think that my blog is superfluous to the plethora of information there is out there on cancer and dealing with it, someone writes to me and tells me it just isn't true. I received an email two days ago from someone whose close relative had just been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer. Stage IV means secondary cancer: it means that the cancer has moved on from whereever it was originally and inhabited another part of the body, just like mine. I wrote back immediately but my mind has been percolating over her questions and so, here are my top 10 tips.1. Deal with it away from the person. Find someone who can help you deal with it, go to a therapist, shout at the moon but you have to deal with the fact that someone close to you, someone about whom you may have unresolved feelings or is... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1082104 Sun, 09 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1082104 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1081598&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fin-memoriam.html A grey, blackish, brackish day in London. A day where the clouds begin and the rain ends and there is no sun. A day where death stalks us on the pavement, and where a black pallor hangs like a shroud over London.There it was, or rather, there you were, a dead bird on the pavement. Shuffled to one side, out of the foot fall of walkers, mothers and children you were tucked against a wall, legs clenched up to your chest, beak finally silent and wings held close. Why?Did you give up? Was the cold, the grey sky, the lack of food, the predatory cats that roam the streets too much for you? Was the sheer adversity of living the ultimate enemy?I hope that you, as you lie in complete stillness, untroubled by the flow and eddy of human life around you, dream of warmer blue skies, where you fly free i... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1081598 Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1081598 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1079750&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fchristmas-in-air.html Christmas is in the wind. It flows down the glittering streets, curls its way through the windows and gleams through shop windows. Suddenly, pine trees are everywhere, sparkling and dancing with coloured lights, whispering to all that Christmas is coming... Are you ready?As I drove home tonight, the pale street lights reflected off shopping bags packed with love and thought, ready for sellotape and labels to lie, in anticipation under the trees at home. I can smell the anticipation, the excitement glittering in children's eyes, the tingle in the blood as we slowly count down to Christmas.I am so lucky to have had a happy childhood: one where Christmas was an event that I looked forward to and relished when it finally dawned; where a filled stocking awaited me at the end of the bed, and in ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1079750 Fri, 07 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1079750 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1074986&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fjingle-bells.html Jingle BellsFor my sins I have a dog and three cats. Three gorgeous cats each one full of its own personality and foibles. Bossy Bessy loves to sit one one's knee and yowls until you stroke her, Pickle is a scavenger always looking for an extra morsel of food, and Poppy? Well Poppy is quite honestly mad. She was feral when I adopted her and half siamese, she is extremely vocal when stroked and picked up yowling until she is put down again.Pickle, being male, is quite happy to hang out in front or even on top of the television but the two girl cats, Bessie and Poppy are hunters. Wild, great hunters who have woken me up before with the agonised screeching of a half dead bird brought into my bedroom. A bird in extreme fear that jumps from corner to corner desperately fighting for its life and... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1074986 Thu, 06 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1074986 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1072402&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fhappiness.html . For some reason life just seems to be going right at the moment. I feel so utterly fulfilled at work with the boys that I am lucky enough to teach. My children at home are delightful and Christmas, with its sparkly fingers and hands of family togetherness beckons from just around the corner.I think the real reason underlying all is friendship. Last night I went out for dinner with my two greatest friends and it was wonderful. Wonderful because despite being a threesome, we were all loving, interested and supportive, wonderful because great friends who know all about each other, who are honest and committed to the core are so very rare and so special.We never get to see each other enough. One of my dearest friends has moved away from London so it is a special night indeed when we manage t... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1072402 Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1072402 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1070252&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fthis-christmas.html This ChristmasThis Christmas, I will try to remember it could be my last. That it could be my last without being under the influence of chemotherapy drugs and that it may well be my last with hair.This Christmas I will savour all the delights of my wonderfully warm and dysfunctional family and I will smile through it. I will thank my family for their loving support over the last couple of years and I will try to spread love and happiness through my brother's house on Christmas day.This Christmas, I will be grateful for my brother's smile, my mother's enthusiasm, my sister in law's patience, my step mother's jollity and my half brother's cheerfulness.This Christmas I will savour every hug I get, every smile flashed my way by my children and my relatives.This Christmas, I will be so happy to... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1070252 Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1070252 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1067789&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Ftarget.html Today something memorable happened. I bought shampoo from the local supermarket. Yes, I finally have enough hair to wash - how exciting is that? When I look back to April and May when I was completely bald, I used to look at the shampoo aisle and realise, after pangs of yearning, that I was saving so much money, no cuts, no shampoo and no conditioner.It seems to be emphasised at the moment as my three daughters all want hair straighteners, or curlers for Christmas. Hair, for a woman, is a big deal and even now, after my shampoo addition to my basket, I still miss my long hair. The hair I had before I got cancer the first time. Long dirty blonde hair that waved down to my waist, hair that I played with all the time, twirling it around my fingers. Do you have any idea how cold it is without ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1067789 Mon, 03 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1067789 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1064875&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fholidailies.html Christmas is heralded by many things: terrible advertisements exhorting you to get your gifts now; awful weather; the smell of pine leaves in the air; wreaths appearing in doorways and exoneration from the usual calorie restrictions we impose on ourselves. On the internet, and particularly in the blogging community, Christmas is announced by Holidailies, an opt in community where each blogger vows to update their blog every day from December 1 to January 1.It can be demanding and difficult over the holiday time where there is so much going on, but it can also be fun, and I really enjoyed it two years ago when I participated. It is going to be a big holiday this year too. Firstly, I have my children with me this Christmas, secondly, I have secondary cancer, and although I am sure that I wil... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1064875 Sun, 02 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1064875 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1064238&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fjoy-of-forgetting.html I am one of those people who always forget where they have put things, especially keys. Every morning, every evening, I mislay them. I can't find them constantly at school forever looking 'in the last place' I had them for those miscreants. If you met me, you would see me ever searching pockets, bags and shelves for the elusive place where I put them last.I have always cursed this terribly impractical memory of mine. Telephone numbers aren't a problem, but keys, glasses, books and wallet somehow sneak under the radar. At the moment though, I have to say that forgetting is a blessing, for I seem to be forgetting that I have cancer.So very very strange. The first time diagnosed when I lived with my lump for a full six months before surgery it was the first thought in my head in the morning, ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1064238 Sat, 01 Dec 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1064238 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1049020&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Freal-life.html Real life has trampled on any idea of mine of luxuriating in my secondary status. No, it has elbowed any thoughts of immuring myself in a cancer bubble bath for the moment. Books need marking, eldest daughter has has friends over for the weekend, and the daily jobs are just piling up. Worries about what to buy twin 1, 2 and Eldest daughter for Christmas have completely elbowed all thoughts of cancer and premature life spans out of the way.Frankly, thank goodness! We cancer victims forget that other people's lives and worries are just as valid as our own sometimes. I still meet people who had their run in with cancer years ago and are still just as preoccupied by their damoclean sword as those who only have six months to live. What utter rubbish! Preoccupied by what might be, we completely ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1049020 Sun, 25 Nov 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1049020 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1014982&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fto-say-goodbye.html So how does a mother say goodbye to her children? How do I communicate my love, my joy and the fact that I really do always want to be there to my children? I have been thinking about this all week, about how to start.I have started boxes. The girls call them the 'depressing boxes' and they contain letters, photographs, poems, cards, pictures and drawings that they have made through the years. I am a hoarder: I can't throw anything away at all. What a blessing all that clutter is! I haven't been able to approach the letter writing though. That all seems unnecessary at the moment although when I am with them, I find that I am mentally squirrelling memories away ready to draw out of my pocket for my daughters.I can tell the news is really sinking into my psyche now for I no longer cry when I... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1014982 Thu, 08 Nov 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1014982 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1002797&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fenough-is-enough.html EnoughEnough is enough. I have had it. The results of the ultrasound scan are through. They put the needle in my lymph nodes four times to find cells to analyse and the results are back. No cancerous cells at all and the nodes looked normal on ultrasound. Now that doesn't mean it isn't there, but it does mean that it isn't growing exponentially, that it hasn't become a discernible tumour yet, and that I have hope. Not just a tiny crack of hope that squeezes its way through a chink in the cancer nightmare, but a huge glaring beam of it.I am resolute and determined. Tomorrow I start a new regime. Green tea, salads, and exercise are going to be my new watch words. I am ready, ready to fight with all my being because I have had enough. I realised something today. No one is going to do this for... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1002797 Sun, 04 Nov 2007 04:00:00 +0100 1002797 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1002284&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fthank-you.html Thank YouThank you to everyone who has been so wonderful to me over the past 10 days. I have been so low... Of that, more later, but for now, a new friend has sent me the following and I can't tell you how much it has helped me...MinervaDaily Survival Guide by Thomas L. McDermitt a long-time cancer patient and skepticToday I am going to try to live through this day only, and not dwell on or attempt to solve all my problems at once. Just focus on the piece that is today. I can do something for several hours that would be difficult to even think about continuing for several months.Just for today, I am willing to accept the possibility that there is a purpose to this suffering; that it can be a source of meaning and growth for myself and others, though I may not always recognize the ways. And... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1002284 Sat, 03 Nov 2007 04:00:00 +0100 1002284 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=994998&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fgrief.html GriefI feel like I have been in tears for three days straight. I started on Sunday night and I can't seem to keep a lid on the feelings like I could in the last month. I even had my ultrasound scan yesterday and just wept like a child all the way through, tears sliding down my cheeks during perfectly rational discussions about lymph nodes and needles.It is grief, pure untrammalled grief. Grief for the life of the woman whose dancing days are over. Grief for the future of my children, of those weddings that I may not get to see or be at, for those days where a mother's arms are needed and aren't there. Grief for a life not lived to the fullest, and grief for a life cut short.And there are hints of anger around the sides, and that, I regard as a good sign. I remember an acupuncturist telling... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=994998 Wed, 31 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 994998 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=988448&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fhopeless.html I think I am grieving..or rather I hope I am for at the moment I am on the edge of a horrible precipice where every tiny glimpse over the edge makes me cry. I cry for the lives of my children, un mothered, the life of my brother, un sistered, the life of my boyfriend, un partnered, and my mother, un daughtered. I am all undone, like a Christmas tree, the day after, looking rather sad and bedraggled. I can't stop and get off this hope less treadmill. Someone talked to me of three to ten years and I have just thrown my hands in the air. I know it to be three: that as it was given three to fifteen months to come back and is back in three, the least amount of time is what is given to me. Is that really true? In a little less than a year and a half will I be on a bed waiting to die? Will my bod... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=988448 Mon, 29 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 988448 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=968378&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fforgetting.html Slowly but surely the pain is receding. I have learnt that my mind is like a giant library and I seem to have stuck the cancer box with all its attendant fears in a white plastic box right at the back, on a top shelf behind humour and getting on with life. The only time it raises its lid is when I am treated diffidently by someone when I long to shout at them that I have secondary cancer, that I only have a limited time to live and they should treat me with respect... Luckily, the rational part of my brain then springs into attention and slams the box shut before it is opened too far.I am in Spain for half term. My children are with their father in a land far away and the sun heats my flesh. I am, for the moment, content. Tomorrow I visit the Alhambra palace, a building created so long ago... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=968378 Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 968378 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=956112&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fscans.html The postal strike in England has now resolved and suddenly my door mat is awash with letters from hospitals. The first appointment is an ultrasound scan to try and find the cells under my arm, and if they can see them, to take some to check the oestrogen receptor status. Why is this so important? Oestrogen receptive tumours tend to be less aggressive (usually!), and they do what they say on the tin, they are fed by oestrogen which means that if you strip the body of the hormone, the tumour itself should shrivel up. My first tumour, (what an expert I have become!) was oestrogen positive but the second recurrence in the lymph nodes below my shoulder appeared to have mutated to being oestrogen non receptive. The doctors did appear sceptical about that result, hence the need to check again.I d... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=956112 Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 956112 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=944589&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fshock.html I am in a room with a monster who sits in the corner. A monster which is black, silent and deadly. A monster whose gaze digs into my back when I turn away, a monster whose presence I can forget for moments at a time, who retreats when I am teaching, sleeping or doing something which requires all my concentration. As soon as that activity stops, it starts again, staring into my heart and my mind, its tendrils snaking their way into my deepest fears and worries.I have been unable to cry. I just feel utterly numb, a little stressed which expresses itself in a shorter temper. I can't sleep properly and haven't been able to since the news took root on Friday. It isn't insomnia as such in that I don't lie awake for ages, no, it is tossing and turning constantly at night and I wake up tired. I to... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=944589 Thu, 11 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 944589 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=935285&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fi-am-so-scared.html I am so scared.I am afraid, scared, and have that awful fear at the bottom of my stomach. All entirely my own fault, I may add.I have been looking up life expectancies on the web and I really really don't like what I see. 10 per cent chance of making 5 years, 30 per cent chance of making three? That is so close, so near..and every time I think about it tears gather in my eyes.I am not ready for this, not ready to leave my family, my children, my happiness and my job. I haven't finished what I was born to do, and I need the time..Please, don't take me away, please don't do this, please...I am so very very frightened.Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=935285 Mon, 08 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 935285 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=932047&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fanswers.html I have answersSo I have my answers and an apology. Three times, actually he apologised and I really liked him for it.Basically, it is very likely that I have secondary breast cancer which has metastasised (spread) to the nodes in the axilla or underarma and the nodes around the thymus gland in the middle of my chest. It is very earlyl still: these cells are less tumours than collections of cells that have been picked up by the PET scan.The juggernaut is coming and I can see it from a long way away. With normal scans I would probably have been aware of secondary cancer in a year's time when those collections of cells became tumour like. Is early screening a good thing or a bad thing? I can adjust to the idea now, but at the same time am aware of the curse that hangs over my head. I honestly... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=932047 Sat, 06 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 932047 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=925327&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F10%2Fit-isnt-good-news.html It isn't good news. I have secondary cancer - let me just repeat that, secondary cancer. Cancer that has metastasised beyond the breast and the immediate environs, the suburbs, as it were. Cancer that is moving to the country, to be precise, my right armpit and possibly my thymus gland. I have to say typing this is already an out of body experience. I see my hands typing away and the phrase 'secondary cancer' repeats itself over and over again in my mind. How very strange...Secondary, se-con-dar-ry....hmmmm It is currently in my right armpit, the opposite side to the original cancer, and may, I repeat, may be in my thymus as well. I say 'may' because the consultant couldn't be there; no, he had to catch a train and left just before my appointment. Don't these doctors get it? I have seconda... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=925327 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 04:00:00 +0100 925327 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=915373&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fnot-our-fault.html Why is it that we who get cancer, are torn apart by this awful disease and its treatment, are now blamed for it?Time after time, I am asked, why do you think you were the one to get this illness? Was it, and then you can put in any number of words denoting various potential causes of cancer including the pill/stress/depression/diet/exercise/breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. The fact is I have done NOTHING to bring this plague upon myself. In the same way that you can't blame the Egyptians for their plagues of locusts apart from the fact they planted the corn, how can anyone blame me for the cancer I am unfortunate to have?The biggest risk factor for the majority of breast cancers is getting older. That is the fact of the matter. Of course there is no harm in trying to eat better, in tak... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=915373 Sun, 30 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 915373 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=893399&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2F41-today.html To everyone of you that replied to my previous post - thank you. Thank you so very much. I found your stories so very interesting and am so pleased to meet you all. I am also enormously flattered that each and everyone of you check this blog regularly and take the time to read, and add comments. To those of you that have only commented for the first time, a huge welcome and please, do it often. It is lovely to hear from you. And to those who have supported me regularly, an enormous thank you to you.. I owe you all so much.I will post on the PET scan another day for today, my 41st birthday, I want to try and forget the whole cancer thing, just for today...Two years ago just ten days shy of my 39th birthday I was first diagnosed and then, I didn't even think I would make 40 let alone 41 but ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=893399 Sun, 23 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 893399 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=873755&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fare-you-lurker.html Just one little request today. Do I know you? Do you comment frequently or are you one of those people who click and move on without leaving a footprint?Today, please, just for me, do it differently? Could you just click on the comment button and leave a comment? According to my sitemeter I get over 100 visits a day and I really would love to meet you all...Just leave your name as anonymous and make up a nickname if you want, but please, leave a mark..Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=873755 Sat, 15 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 873755 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=867321&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Foops.html Oops!I got the date wrong. Not this Thursday, but Thursday next. A mere three days before my 41st birthday. Strange how my whole cancer story has been woven around my birthdays for the last two years. Diagnosed a mere two weeks before my 39th birthday, cleared by my 40th and back into the mire for my 41st. I hear so many friends of mine scared of the age of 40/30/50 - you name it. I'm not. In fact, the whole fuss about being 40 pretty much passed me by in the whole cancer typhoon so I guess there is one advantage from diagnosis.No, I just wondered if I would make 41, or 42.. Indeed it is all very much still up in the air. I mean, I don't feel that my time is near, but then again, I have never felt so well as when I was diagnosed for the first time, or the second. One of the strange things... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=867321 Wed, 12 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 867321 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=858382&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fafter-cancer.html After CancerStrange the life of a survivor. On the one hand I really want people to treat me just as a normal 40 year old. I don't want a seat given to me on the bus or pitying looks in the street. I don't want the extra attention paid to one who walks with a stick or the concern as I struggle with my shopping. I don't want priority treatment in shops nor a special parking space...and yet, I do?I find it so hard to suddenly move on with my life when over my shoulder I carry a year's worth of baggage. I want that experience recognised somehow, to be venerated as one who has not just fought the cancer demon once but twice and won. I want the recognition of bravery, of courage and of slow healing and when, as so often happens at the moment, I move stiffly from a chair or I limp on my first st... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=858382 Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 858382 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=850118&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fso-tired.html I simply can't believe how tired I am. I fight to keep my eyes open at the computer as I type this and my feet ache from five days back at school. It is quite amazing to realise how much energy it takes to operate as an 'ordinary' person. My hips, my knees, my ankles hurt so much by 3pm that I find it difficult to get up and down. I am living on paracetamol and ibuprofen to help ease the aching in my joints but despite all this, I constantly remind myself how lucky I am. Lucky for I love every minute that I spend in the classroom. Whilst I am teaching, I am never in pain, my legs and hips don't hurt, or rather, if they do I am not at aware of it. No, I am intent on the boy who is looking puzzled at the back, or the boy who is sizing up the paper in his hand wondering if he should throw it,... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=850118 Fri, 07 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 850118 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=836443&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fbeen-reading.html Too much I think... Apparently although it is extremely rare, it is possible for breast cancer to metastasize or spread to the thymus. As these researchers explain, there are literally only three or four cases reported. So I feel the anger rising again, only three or four? I have been unlucky enough to be one of only three or four people whose cancer moves on to the thymus?And then the reasoning voice kicks in,'Most women's breast cancer moves on the liver or the lung, you could consider yourself lucky.'Lucky? LUCKY?? You are JOKING aren't you? Lucky to have flaming cancer three times in less than two years? Lucky to have metastasis three months after six months of the most gruelling cancer treatment ever? PAH!Now come on. You haven't even been diagnosed yet and you are running down a path... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=836443 Sat, 01 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 836443 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=835480&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F08%2Fostrich.html I have always admired the ostrich. A bird whose body is essentially against him, a long neck which flows into a chest, middle and behind which could only be described as apple shaped, it still somehow manages to be graceful and scary in close quarters. Not all the appleshaped women I know match that description!It also, proverbially, buries its head in the sand, and that, that is precisely what I am about to do. CT scan went as they do on Tuesday and I had the results today. I knew as soon as they ushered me into the Professor's room that there was potential trouble on the cards...First the good news: the site of the recurrence is entirely clear.But, and there always is one, isn't there, even on the ostrich! My thymus gland which sits in the middle of my chest and the lymph glands around t... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=835480 Fri, 31 Aug 2007 04:00:00 +0100 835480 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=823036&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F08%2Fwhat-holiday.html Fear not my dear friends, all is well. Minerva, Daughter 1, Twin 1 and 2 have been holidaying away for a whole month in Southern sunny Spain. We returned last night and are adjusting ourselves to life back in a country where the hours aren't measured in beaches and swimming pools. A wonderful relaxing month and then back with a bump to reality!CQ - I do admire you. Yes indeed a CT scan is in the diary for Tuesday, Monday being a bank holiday here and an appointment back with the team for Friday. I do feel well apart from the most terrible joint pain when I have been in one position for a while and stiffness when standing or walking up stairs. I will ask about these things tomorrow but then anything is better than cancer!Otherwise, like all on holiday, I have sunned too much, slept too much... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=823036 Sun, 26 Aug 2007 04:00:00 +0100 823036 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=757973&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Fidentify-theft.html Dear Sir,I am writing to you to complain about the recent two cases of identity theft by Mr Carcinoma which I still do not feel have been adequately dealt with. In the first case, Mr Carcinoma attacked me just before my thirty-eighth birthday. I was fit, healthy, a recently qualified school teacher who had finally found her vocation and he took, in the first case, my looks, my health and my innocence. Gone was the complacency of a late thirties mother that she would live for the allotted three score and ten. Instead, days became hours, and as I sank deeper and deeper into the world that is defined for the cancer patient as hospital, appointments and chemotherapy, the original woman that was Minerva became lost.Barely had I recovered from the earthquake that was the first episode before the... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=757973 Wed, 25 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 757973 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=744850&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Ftwo-words.html Nothing there. The lump is there, but it isn't cancer, and there is no further sign of cancer in my shoulder.What a relief. I never thought I would greet the word 'nothing' with such joy and exultation as I did today.Maybe someone, somewhere is giving me a break, a time of peace and tranquility for a month until I get the CT scan at the end of August...What a huge relief..Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I have to say that I am still doubtful and those who have doubted with me at the loss of someone special to them are the people whose words chimed most resonantly. (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=744850 Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 744850 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=742617&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Ftussling-with-faith.html I am struggling with God at the moment. I know that so many of you are comforted by Him and his words, and share that faith with me. I know that many of you are praying for me and I do appreciate that. I have always believed somehow. At university, I flirted with the idea of becoming a Catholic in the Newman tradition but swerved away at the last minute. I have attended church, taken communion and believed, truly, in a divine presence that is greater than us all.I have done all these things, all these things until now. I just cannot believe any more, cannot believe that someone, something which is essentially benevolent would visit on a mother the possibility of cancer for a third time in 18 months. I feel forsaken, lost in the desert, unwanted and unloved. I feel like the runt of the litt... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=742617 Wed, 18 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 742617 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=734511&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Flimbo.html I saw the doctors on Friday. An urgent ultrasound has been applied for this week to be discussed at the doctors' meeting on Thursday.I am in a horrid place at the moment somewhere along the lines of blank denial. I just cannot believe that this is happening to me again.All I want is a normal life, to see my children grow up and my career blossom. I keep asking what have I done that this rubbish continues?I wait, I exist, I count off the minutes and the hours until I know. Knowing is so much better than this treading water with no solid standing. Knowing that it IS back is better than the uncertainty. Planning is easier than limbo.Another three minutes passes....Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=734511 Sat, 14 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 734511 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=730406&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Ffear.html I have another lump. And I see the doctor tomorrow.Please, not again...Not 2 and a half months after chemo.Please... (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=730406 Thu, 12 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 730406 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=723232&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Fmanacles.html I keep trying to move on with my life. Back at work in the mornings, I have become a teacher again. Back into the maelstrom which is the modern Secondary school I have become an anonymous symbol once more and I do rejoice in it. I love fitting into an ordinary role, not dogged by cancer in the children's eyes but rather a person to whom respect is given because I have earned it, rather than because of an anonymous disease which has me in its grasp.My head is starting to sprout baby fuzz. Not yet brave enough to remove my scarf as it seems to be growing unevenly, thicker at the back rather than the front which still shows the scalp through it. It is dark again, which is a relief. I thought after all the trauma of the last 18 months it might come back a shocking white. I was secretly hoping ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=723232 Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 723232 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=695312&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F06%2Fstorm.html The waves of cancer are receding now. Brief reminders of the storm still lie littered around the shore. The rocks of muscle weakness and the shells of oedema still serve as reminders of the fierceness of the squall. The sharks of death still circle, out to sea a little but eternally a reminder of the unpredictability of the weather of health. I may be in the eye now, steadily walking more and more starting to think about a return to the gym and hopefully, a return to some level of everyday fitness. But some things have changed for ever. My diet, ever a question of hit and miss, is now much more vegetable and fruit orientated and I am trying to cut down on the caffeine, ever my weakness. I hope, and the word is hope, to return to work next week providing that the doctor passes me for ‘... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=695312 Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:00:00 +0100 695312 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=676002&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F06%2Fimprovement.html Slowly, my life, my body and my mood improves. Last week I went to the Breast Cancer Haven in Fulham to participate in a Look Good Feel Better session. Staffed by volunteer beauticians and with products donated by the beauty industry, they come in and give a make up session. It was very strange for someone who has actively avoided looking at mirrors for the past five months to engage with one so thoroughly. And they really do help. Tips on how to accentuate eyes when you have no eyelashes or eyebrows, tips to take the focus from one's hair to one's eyes and how to put the bloom back in cheeks sallow from chemo were all incredibly helpful.Not just that but today a friend and newly married relative came round to do my nails. My poor battered half dead nails didn't know what had hit them. She... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=676002 Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:00:00 +0100 676002 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=676003&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F06%2Ffrustration.html I hate my body. I hate living in what amounts to a fleshy prison. Inside I feel wonderful; strong, beautiful and powerful. Inside, I am the same woman I have always been. I fly seemingly above this strange body that I am in and I relate to people in the same way that I always have. Inside, I am as young as I was at seventeen, as powerful as the teacher in my classroom, as loving as the mother's arms I have always given to my children. Inside I am so powerful and so strong. I have beaten cancer twice, twice in 18 months and am looking forward to going back to work...and outside?Outside, I am ugly, so ugly I can't look in mirrors for fear of the monstrosity that looks back at me. My face is so puffy, so drowning in flesh, my legs are huge, so big that when I kick off the one pair of jeans th... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=676003 Fri, 08 Jun 2007 04:00:00 +0100 676003 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=651114&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fcheckup.html A month later and the first of many checkups with the team. A charming consultant today who listened eagerly to all my worries and helped me address them. Firstly, I was concerned that the result of the Team Meeting had decided that I should have a CT scan at six months only. My cancer had returned within 5 months last time and I was worried by the length of time. Today, it was decided that I should have a CT scan at three months and then again at four months and so on gradually lengthening the amount of time between each one provided the news was good.As far as future treatment was concerned, if the three month scan was clear of cancer, good, but if not than I would be put on a tablet form of chemo Xeloda which can be taken indefinitely and have far fewer side effects which sounds hopeful... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=651114 Wed, 30 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 651114 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=623629&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fview.html How strange a different perspective makes. I am still so affected by the chemotherapy; my legs are hugely swollen, my eyes weep yellow gunk that glues them up, and my nails are so painful but because I am no longer looking to the next treatment, it all seems better. My eyes are not turned to the next island of treatment but instead to the mainland of normality. Yesterday I had a meeting with occupational health regarding my return to work. Those of you who know me in real life know that one of my passions is my work. In many ways the hardest thing about this whole episode in my life is the fact that my job has been snatched from me. I hate lassitude and limbo and that has been the main essence of my life for the last five months. Suddenly I am looking forward to returning to school, even o... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=623629 Fri, 18 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 623629 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=612337&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fanger.html I have been quiet, too quiet and the reason is simple. I have been so very, very angry. How strange, I hear you say, such good news and such a bizarre reaction. I agree, I completely agree. I have no explanation for how I feel, only that the juxtaposition of such very good news that the tumour has gone with the awful news that there is a 97% chance that it will come back in the next year has shortcircuited my emotions. Only that until Thursday I walked around as a great black ball of thunder with great sharp bristles of tactiturnity. I could physically feel it between my shoulders, in the furrows of my forehead and eternally in my chest as a hard, solid parasite eating away at my good humour. Everytime someone congratulated me on my good news, I silently shouted that I was going to die. Ev... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=612337 Tue, 15 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 612337 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=603841&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fnews.html What makes you happy? The hug from a child? A fruit pastille on your tongue? A perfectly formed bloody Mary on the first day of a holiday?I will tell you what does it for me; what makes my stomach flip and somersault and makes me cry with happiness and those are the words that 'your tumour has gone radiologically.' My tumour, ladies and gentlemen is no longer detectable on CT scan. It has gone, disappeared, sunk from view. There is no tumour left in my shoulder and indeed no discernible cancer cells in my body. And that is just amazing, just incredible. For today ladies and gentlemen, I am completely cancer free.And that, for today is enough.*grinning*Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=603841 Tue, 08 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 603841 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=589762&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fsilence.html I am not used to delivering news which is received in silence. I mean, what does one say to someone who is confronting overwhelming odds of not surviving longer than 15 years? Normally, the time of one's forties is for good news, the latest party, an occasional wedding, christening or birthday but not for me.I still vacillate. My thoughts are constantly all over the place. I keep thinking that I must live as though I am in that three per cent. I will return to work; I will keep on keeping on; I will get fit, eat right and love and be there for my children for as long as I can. I will end up looking after my mother, as life should be and I will live and love the man of my dreams.And then, in the cold grey light of the dawn, or the darkness that threatens before sleep, I feel the threat of t... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=589762 Fri, 04 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 589762 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=588240&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fchoices.html Forgive me, it has been a while since my last blog entry...and the mimicry is deliberate. Events have moved forward drastically and I am currently in a whirling vortex of choices and thoughts and events..It isn't good news so may I suggest that if you are reading this late at night, or if you are feeling at all down or tired, switch off now and read this in the morning when the streams of daylight will diminish the words...I saw my consultant radiographer last Thursday for what I thought was a confirmation of the radiation schedule. Instead, he told me that as the tumour is so close to the nerves leading to my left arm as well as on the border of my previous radiation, there is a 30% chance that treating the area would induce permanent paralysis in my left arm. I am left handed.Then an app... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=588240 Thu, 03 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 588240 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=570124&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Freality.html It is all very well talking about hair loss, swollen ankles and bruised nails, but there is nothing like a picture..So, in this post, I break my rules and post them for you. (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=570124 Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 570124 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=563648&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fcant.html I hate the word 'can't ' with a passion. In my life, as soon as someone has said the word to me, I automatically feel the need to do precisely the opposite of whatever it is they are telling me I 'can't ' do. Hence the time I swam across a pond in West London after midnight one New Year's Eve, or the time I ran into the road to direct the traffic when a police car was trying to get through.. or the time I danced on the bar in a Hong Kong bar. Adults, husbands, children, teachers, parents have all tried to teach me the meaning of the word, and I, obdurate as a donkey, have refused to listen.Who says I 'can't' join a gym on the first day of chemo? I did. Who says I can't eat ice cream in the middle of winter? I do. Who says I can't go out drinking as a single female until 6am? I could and di... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=563648 Mon, 23 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 563648 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=545336&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fsurfacing.html Have you ever swum below the water? Moved from a world of sunshine, shouts, and noise to a world of green or blue obfuscation, where the only sensation is that of water, above, below and around you? Where the trivialities of normal life fall away, and you are intensely, suddenly conscious of being alone, of being in your own space and body?This week has been the hardest so far. I have been decimated by my tiredness and my lack of mobility. I wept three times in with the doctor on Wednesday as he told me he could do nothing for my swollen legs and ankles. I am breathless walking up a flight of stairs, and to get to my bedroom which is up three flights, I need to stop for a minute or two every time. The steroids, as usual, have completely mucked up my sleep patterns which means that for the ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=545336 Sun, 15 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 545336 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=538565&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fwaiting.html Treatment is all about waiting. Today was a typical day, a day of time spent waiting for others, waiting for treatment, for scans, for news.I don't know if this is representative of most countries, but I do know that this is my experience at a Centre of Excellence for Breast Cancer under the British National Health System.8.30am Arrive at Clinic and take ticket for blood test.9.30am Called in to have bloods taken.10.30 am See Doctor but liver function tests not yet through so unable to order chemo.11.15 am - tests through and chemo prescription faxed to pharmacy.11.30 am Sent to ultrasound to check for clots in swollen leg.12 pm - Scan happens.12.15am - Go to chemo suite.2 pm - Called in for chemotherapy.2.30 pm - chemotherapy finally given.3.45 pm - Chemo finished.3.50pm - Radiotherapy ap... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=538565 Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 538565 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=535279&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fswollen.html I have an extra side effect and it is currently crippling me.. My legs, my arms, my wrists, ankles and feet are hugely swollen.I can't walk more than 100 yards or up two flights of stairs.. I need to put my feet up every two hours or I can't get my shoes on.. My boots won't do up, my socks dig into my ankles and my trousers dig into my waist and my calves are huge and hard.I am really suffering...Chemo again tomorrow followed by a radiotherapy planning session. Number 5 and then number 6.This is hard - really hard. I am down, I am finally appreciating how hard this chemo stuff can be. Looking after my children is really difficult and all I want to do is hide under a duvet for the next 6 weeks.According to the research that I have done on this, the edema or swelling gradually reduces after ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=535279 Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 535279 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=519273&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fside-effects.html In all the time that I have been writing this blog, I have never really become physical. That is to say that I have always considered my focus to be the emotional and intellectual struggle of dealing with cancer, its treatment and the repercussions of facing mortality.Today, though, I am breaking that rule. Today, I want to talk about the physical side effects and the reason I want to do that is because I, a forty year old woman, am finding them really really debilitating.So where do I start? With the most obvious of course. I have no hair, or rather, I have tufts of hair which makes it look even worse. At the front, I do have a little tonsure and behind it, I am bald with minor sprigs. Last time, I was so blase about having no hair. I teased the kids I teach about it, told them not to cal... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=519273 Wed, 04 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 519273 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=515238&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fperception.html It's a beautiful day in London. The air is still crisp and the gardens behind me rustle with a breeze through the trees. Sunshine claws its rays through shut windows and edges round the hinges of doors. A day that makes your fingers itch with the desire to scrub all those suddenly apparent corners of dust that have remained undisturbed through the winter. All those dustballs which seemed so warming in the rainy cold of December suddenly seem surplus to requirements, disgusting and one desires a house that postitively sparkles ready for the marks of life to follow.So too with my life. I have slowly, elephantinely slowly sometimes, been clearing through the detritus of my past. I am well aware that having always been a writer, there are diaries, half filled notebooks and papers that I don't ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=515238 Sun, 01 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 515238 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=511463&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fquestion.html What would you do if you only had six months to live? Seriously. It is now March and you have until October. What would you do?Kids? Family? Travel? Write?Where do your priorities fly to? What does your mind automatically dismiss and where does it dart to?When asked this question yesterday, my mind immediately went to my children, my boyfriend, my family and enjoying each other and the time I would have left.And today, I ask myself, if that is the case, if my children and my family are my be all and end all for being on this earth, are my life goal and when all is stripped away are what is most important, what am I doing today, tomorrow and the day after that to ensure that I keep my eyes and focus on what I consider the most important thing in my life?What would you have answered?Minerva ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=511463 Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 511463 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=509401&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fmovement.html I crawled to the hospital today for an appointment with the consultant responsible for the next stage of the treatment; radiotherapy. There is a fifty per cent chance that I will be able to have it again as we are not absolutely sure if the zones which were covered last time need to be radiated again. The risk of cancer occurring is otherwise too high. Laughable, isn't it? Cancer if I do, cancer if I don't.... Uh huh... Beats the adage about a rock and a hard place, I think...I personally suspect that the only reason that the cancer has stopped just below my collar bone this time is because I was radiated higher up my neck last time. I am sure, emotionally, that there has been a gate imposed which stops those awful tiny cells travelling up my lymph system into the rest of me.So I have a p... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=509401 Thu, 29 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 509401 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=502939&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fnot-good.html Chemo has truly hit me. Woke up Sunday with a headache that wound around my teeth and the plates of my head. Moving my head made me shout with pain and I was completely unable to answer calls, or get up at all. Up today to try and go to the hospital and I nearly fainted. Back to bed, before trying again and it took me 20 minutes to walk a journey of 5 minutes.They took blood from me, and that induced another giddy fit so I lay down for four hours in the consulting room. I was unable to function as a normal person, unable to put words in front of the other or contemplate moving.According to the charming consultant I then saw, this is the combined toxicity of the chemo in my body having this effect. He talked about reducing the next dose which I told him not to do. If I am going to go throug... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=502939 Mon, 26 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 502939 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=498769&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fstep-by-step.html We have progress. Chemo number 4 on Wednesday and a hurried consultation with the head honcho of the teaching hospital where I go. He is very pleased; the lump is no longer noticeably palpable and I have been referred for radiotherapy following chemo. If, by any chance, the current lump area was already irradiated last time than radiotherapy is no longer an option due to the increased risk of cancer. (Damned either way!) This means that there is an outside chance that we are looking at surgery despite the danger as the lymph node is so near to the main scapuleic vein to the heart.However, I think we will tackle that when we get there. I am just so grateful that we are getting there, that returning to work is becoming a dot on my horizon rather than being surrounded by the undulating tediu... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=498769 Sat, 24 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 498769 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493648&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fterrible-beauty.html On Sunday I took a trip to Ronda, one of the most beautiful towns in Spain and where the first bull fighting arena was built. Whatever you think about bull fighting, and this is not the place to argue about it, you cannot deny that there is an awful grandeur and dignity about it all. The ceremony of the matador, the dignity of an animal that fights to the death, the ritual that surrounds the fatal dance, all have a terrible beauty. I have never seen a bullfight, but as I imagine the blood, the pain, the dance of the matador, the chance that man or bull will go down first, I feel that I wouldn't be able to look through my hands, that although I would feel compelled to witness the last moments of a beautiful animal, that I wouldn't be able to look for the sheer cruelty and unfairness of it a... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493648 Tue, 20 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 493648 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493650&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Flimbo.html I feel that I must make a confession - Hail fellow bloggers, I have sinned. I talk in my posts of grabbing every last minute of each day, of prioritising one's life to make sure one completes that which is most important, of squeezing every last second out of every minute, and here I am, in limbo at home not doing anything. I am not climbing mountains, bonding with friends, racing up to see my children every five minutes or skipping out to art galleries to improve my mind. No, not at all and what right does that therefore give me to preach to all of you?I sit here in my little room, the sunlight streaming in through the window next door to me highlighting the dust in the air, and I think, I dream, I read and I write. Is that a life? Does it really matter that I am not doing something that ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493650 Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:00:00 +0100 493650 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493652&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Ffear.html Reading some of my referral statistics the other day, I noted that quite a few people came to WOMP having googled the words, 'fear of cancer' so I did. Did you know that there are huge numbers of message boards filled with posts from people who are terrified of cancer? Whose parents, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, aunts and uncles have died or suffered from cancer and who are consequently living in the looming shadow of the ultimate Damoclean sword? What is even more incredible is that before I was diagnosed in September 2005 I was one of them.My father died young of cancer. Although it was smoking induced, the time between diagnosis and death was only four months and I was always afraid that this would mean I too would be leaving early. Every cough could have been a symptom . Strange... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493652 Sun, 11 Mar 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493652 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493654&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fnovelty.html I couldn't write yesterday. And when I say I couldn't write, that is exactly what I mean. Words have always been easy for me; they have flowed like ducklings after their mother. They have always lined up in the right order and almost elected themselves for selection. Yesterday, that wasn't the case. Yesterday, I tried to begin my blog post three separate times before giving up in frustration. I was like a practised ballet dancer who suddenly finds that her feet are enemies instead of friends. My words weren't lining up, they weren't articulate messengers of meaning but actively blocking me, getting in the wrong place, and I tripped over them time after time. That has been a first. I realised yesterday how much I take for granted my ability to manipulate words to express meaning, to organis... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493654 Tue, 06 Mar 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493654 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493656&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fhow-to-treat-someone-who-has-cancer.html A friend called me tonight, a friend whom I have always really liked, and got on well with but never quite sure if it was returned...Do you have those kind of friends? We have talked several times about 'getting together' but one thing or another always got in the way, and I thought that I would leave it as I have a complete phobia about pushing too hard.Well, that friend called me tonight we have a really honest chat about how my friends are nervous about calling or communicating and I, in return, am nervous about ringing them up and inflicting my troubles on them. So, spurred by our honesty tonight, I thought a really good idea would be to clarify some of the ways that YOU can help someone who has cancer or really any chronic illness.Of course, all you wonderful people that come back and... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493656 Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493656 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493658&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fdichotomy.html I don't understand myself at the moment. On the one hand I am being positive and forward looking. I have started reading books that I have always wanted to read and reviewing them on my new blog. I have made an appointment at an alternative health centre that offers treatments for Breast cancer and I have that in 10 days time. I have gone out for lunch today and made a provisional date to go into school and see my friends and students. Best news of all. I had a scan today and the cancer lymph node has halved in size. Yup, that is shrunk by 50% from 2 cm to .97. So tell me, tell me please,Why can't I stop crying? Because I can't. I have cried tonight to the best friend, to two mates, to my brother, to my work colleague and it happens whenever I talk about what I am going through. What on ea... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493658 Wed, 28 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493658 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493660&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fjust-to-say.html BaldBeforeBritney. (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493660 Sun, 25 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493660 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493662&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fmyths.html Some of the nonsense that people tell you when you have cancer is unbelievably patronising. 'Stay positive' - Uh huh...Yeah... So..let's see..I am fighting a major illness with treatment that currently makes me feel so much worse than the disease itself. I have lost my hair, I have put on weight due to steroids which have also altered my sleep patterns and my moods so that I am alternately high as a kite and on the internet until 5am or lying in bed until 3pm feeling sorry for myself. I have hands which feel burnt from the chemo, my face is blotchy and my nails hurt from the chemo attacking the nail beds. And what is more, I am not allowed to be miserable or feel the least bit sorry for myself because then I will be letting the cancer win?!No, I don't think so, I really really don't think ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493662 Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493662 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493664&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Ffulcrum.html In the middle, I sit on the fulcrum of the chemotherapy see saw. 10 days since the last dose of toxin in my veins and a mere 10 days to go until the next batch. It is tougher every time; the tiredness seeps into my muscles and my bones and whilst I find it hard to sleep at night, I can't get up the following morning and I have no energy for anything bar sitting, reading and writing.I am trying to come up with some ideas to keep myself busy and one of those is here.. I have so many books, so many of which I have longed to read for ages, so I thought that combining reading and writing in one place was a good idea... Do be gentle though; my self esteem is incredibly fragile still. It is hard feeling good about yourself when one looks like a stubbly egg head!Still, back to the balance and fulc... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493664 Wed, 21 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493664 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493666&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fnearly-there.html It's been a long week. A long week for me, but a longer week for those around me, whom I know I have driven crazy. My body seems to have become an enemy these days, an opponent whom I need to outsmart at every turn and plan for rather than someone who is on the same side. I keep getting up in the morning 'thinking' I can do things and then, by midday retiring into grumpy melancholy because I clearly can't and taking it out on those around me...The frustration is legion, emotionally, physically and mentally. Physically, the side effects aren't that bad; my knees ache terribly when bent, my nails are terribly sensitive and can't do anything useful but it is the fatigue and tiredness which is most debilitating. I feel when I get up, that I do have some energy in the tank and slowly, quietly, ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493666 Fri, 16 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493666 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493668&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Ffinding-it-hard.html I am really finding this hard. My girls returned on Friday, faces lit up with excitement at the thought of half term holiday and I can't do anything. I can't sleep because of the steroids until four or five in the morning and when I get up around ten, I am like a zombie moving around the house. I feel completely and utterly inadequate; I can't cook, clean, wash, get in their favourite foods, play games with them or have the energy for anything beyond lying around. And yet, when I do get into bed, my bones and joints ache so badly from the chemo that I can't sleep again. I am so frustrated, so angry and so tearful.The tiredness that their school has engendered has made my daughters weepy as well and everytime they cry, tears fall from my eyes too onto their heads. The grey clouds outside me... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493668 Wed, 14 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493668 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493669&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fout-of-darkness.html Chemotherapy hit again on Wednesday and I was relatively quiet until Saturday when the worst side effect of all this treatment kicked in: self pity. I was festering, culturing it. Why me? Why was I at home feeling grumpy, tired, depressed, low and angry and in pain when everyone else my age is out enjoying themselves, planning their next holiday, their next career move, their next outing with their children?It was an effort for me to move off the sofa, to get out of bed and even put my clothes on. I feel utterly fed up with this disease, with the infiltration of my tissues and the subsequent poisoning of my system and my body.I feel so boring at the moment. My life is entirely tenured by illness, by my physical and mental restrictions. A woman just forty, I talk of my ailments like a octog... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493669 Sun, 11 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493669 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493670&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fround-1.html Ding ding! Round 1.In the red corner we have Minerva, proud, strong and just damn stubborn, she is showing her mental muscle to the crowd. Her gloves are soft and flexible with all the battles she has won so far against this one opponent.Behind her, Minerva's Minxes are pushing her on. Their red pom poms, astonishing acrobatics and cheerful chants are mesmerising the crowd. Even Minerva's manager, Chemotherapy (very much a love hate relationship there we are told,) is standing looking nervous. His reputation is on the line too.In the black corner, we see a relative heavyweight Cancer Carcinoma looking confident and assured. This fighter has won thousands of battles, 21, 000 in the last year alone and that was just women with blows to the chest.Behind him a sullen group form: his daughters ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493670 Wed, 07 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493670 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493671&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fdone-it.html I have done it. Tired of the hair that surrounded me day and night, I have gone ahead and shaved my head. It looks very strange indeed because parts of my scalp are completely hairless and some are still dark with patches of hair. A piebald pony is the closest approximation. I had it cut yesterday at a salon in the hospital which was terribly run down and virtually empty except for a lady in a wheelchair having a rinse and set. They were delightful; we began with shaver number 4 and then went down to number 1 when the first look came out like a bad case of canine mange. I didn't have any money on me and they very sweetly said it didn't matter, that I could return. They were impressed at how much I was laughing and joking about the cold, about how 'butch ' I looked. How lovely people are w... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493671 Fri, 02 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493671 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493672&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fhair-today-gone-tomorrow.html Hair today, gone tomorrow is a lesson for us all and I make absolutely no apology for the plethora of bad hair word play that will, I hope emerge in this post. As I brush aside the objections, part the waves of groans that are, I am sure, now populating the internet universe, I curl up at the thought of the permanent paroxysms of pain that will now be shuddering around me. Tou pee or not tou pee that is the question. Fur what I ask? Now that my thatch is burnt and my scalp protrudes going baldly where no man has been before (these are getting really bad) I am not sure if I can be bothered to 'wig' up. The mane thing is that it will regrow, that this stubble will become another field of corn and does this peace of hair really need a hair piece?Until that time a question. What on EARTH do I ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493672 Thu, 01 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493672 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493673&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fback-to-life.html Slowly, at first at a walk and now at a gallop, I am returning to the field of everyday life. The energy surges came back on Friday and every hour I feel more and more human. If this carries on, I am sure I will be back to my obnoxious, bouncing self, by...ooooh....next Wednesday when I get my next batch. How lovely!Side effects continue to abount though. still no sickness, but my nails at their 'beds' hurt every time I tap them on these keys, or on a table, or lift anything..and of course, once more, like last time, I put my fingers through my hair, and slowly, steadily and interminably, strands attach themselves. It is emotionally neutral at the moment; I am not as attached to this 'interim' growth as I was to the first 'set' of hair that I lost. In fact, I have to admit to a wry grin pa... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493673 Mon, 29 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493673 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493674&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fwar-begins.html So war was declared. A phony war for the first two days where this body went out, and did normal things such as wandered around shops, went into coffee houses and then, the declaration of war, the flag was raised and the war finally started on Sunday.I ached everywhere. Every nerve in my body from my teeth, my arms, my hips, my stomach was crying out for attention and moving was difficult. I walked like an old woman at only a few yards at a time. Eating and drinking was difficult because my mouth was so sore. Due to the chemotherapy, I have contracted oral thrush and my mouth feels like the fluff that you find behind the sofa and looks even worse. My tongue in particular is coated with white and so swallowing was really hard. Desperate for some medication to take away the bone pain, I turn... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493674 Tue, 23 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493674 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493675&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Ffeinting.html So I thought I had got away easy with this chemo and I am so wrong. I have woken up this morning with a sore throat, and my muscles and my bones ache with pain. Every move i make, I feel in my kneecaps and every one of my joints.Suddenly at the age of 40 I feel like an eighty year old, or rather, what I imagine an eighty year old feels like. It takes me ages to get up or sit down, and I am utterly cancer bound in my mind and my body.This is hard, this hurts and I hope, this shall pass...Minerva (Source: A Woman of Many Parts) A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493675 Sun, 21 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493675 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493676&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fwiped-out.html First the good news, in fact, not just good news, great news. I haven't been sick - a little nauseous at a stretch but not sick. Just that one fact makes me exultant as it makes SUCH a difference. I got up yesterday morning truly dreading treatment. I tried with my 'Happy Chemo Post' to deflect all the terror and worry into something postive and I have to say that it did work. I went in calm, and after a four hour wait (!) for treatment, was still calm. On the way back from the hospital, I popped into the local health club, joined up and half an hour later, after a quick lunch, I went back and had 25 minutes on the exercise bike... Now that is something I have NEVER been able to do after chemo before!I have to say, though, that without my brother I would have been lost. He was there the wh... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493676 Fri, 19 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493676 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493677&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fhappy-chemo-day.html HAPPY CHEMO DAY!Yes, I have decided, encouraged by the love of my life, who refuses to look at any other outlook to be postive. And to be honest, I mean how much more panicky than panicky could I get? So I decided to let the sense of humour and the huge appreciation I have for all the wonderful support around me kick in. Let me know what you think....So today, rather than dwell on the fear, the sheer terror of walking down the corridor to that room with the 'needles', I am going to focus on how wonderful it is that they are treating me aggressively, that I am well enough to take on this treatment, that I have such a wonderful loving family who are willing to support me again through all this and a lovely man who is flying over tonight to hold the sick bowl and wipe my forehead. Forget diam... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493677 Thu, 18 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493677 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493678&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fwar.html Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,Or close the wall up with our English dead!In peace there's nothing so becomes a manAs modest stillness and humility;But when the blast of war blows in our ears,Then imitate the action of the tiger:Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood."Henry V" (5.3.44-51)I am now officially scared. Today, I left work and the trivialities and energy of a busy school. Cries of 'we'll miss you Miss,' have rung in my ears all day and the goodbye to my dear tutor group was hard. And now? Now I am alone, with my body, with the cancer eating away at my cells and I can't duck it anymore. All week I have been avoiding looking it in the eye, distracting myself with the mundane minutiae of everyday life and suddenly, like a giant mountain in the middle of the roa... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493678 Tue, 16 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493678 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493679&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fconfused-feelings.html It is good news. My CT scan is completely clear apart from the lymph node. The doctors are also going all out to 'cure' me. Never has such a word fallen with such import as it did at lunchtime. I LIKE the 'cure' word, I revel in the 'cure' word. In fact, I snuggled down into the 'cure' word and virtually missed the rest of the conversation. They are also treating it really aggressively so I have chemotherapy, surgery and radiation to look forward to as well....And so, where does the confusion come in?My feelings. I am thrilled they are treating it aggressively, thrilled that I am starting chemotherapy really quickly, namely Thursday and also tearful, scared and frightened of chemo again. With this illness, it is NEVER the illness that causes problems, but the treatment. Docetaxol is a big ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493679 Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493679 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493680&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Famazement.html I am consistently amazed by the support and friendship which you, all of you wonderful bloggers out there in the distant wired world are offering me. Every day I check my blog, and every day the wonderful arms of comments surround me. And now the cheerleading idea...I have to say that Jo's comment about looking good in a dress did make me laugh and have a look at the reality!In the absence of any real news and renewed uncertainty until the team of doctors meet to discuss my case this Thursday, and talk it over with me, this Friday, I am in limbo. I have forgotten the achingly slow progress of our National Health service. Don't get me wrong; I am incredibly lucky to have all my health care free of charge and I am not selfish enough to begrudge it. But I still have no appointment letter for ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493680 Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493680 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493681&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fwhy-me.html I have just returned from my CT scan complete with drip and blood tests. It really brought back all those submerged memories of drips, waiting around and bloody pieces of cotton wool taped under inadequate tape that sticks to your clothes. I mean, we have a huge deficit of a health service; I bet if we decided not to accept those little balls of cotton wool and the pathetic pieces of tape that goes with them, we would save this country a small fortune....So back to self pity and anger. I hate this arriving again and I am so very very angry that it has decided to pick on me again. I have three beautiful girls that need me, I have a life, a career that I adore and even love has found me again and so what happens? I get cancer again, a mere six months after the end of treatment and not even ... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493681 Fri, 05 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493681 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493682&cid=s_35297_136_f&fid=35297&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwomanlyparts.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fgood-newsi-think.html What is good news? I mean, is it always relative? Today was definitely good news. In short, my lungs, my bones and my liver are all clear of cancer. In addition, they may have made a mistake and it may be operable. The key word here is may. There are still so many variables. In the next week I will be having a CT scan of my chest and abdomen just to double check there is no further spread and then the options as follows: surgery followed by local radiation to the site if it wasn't covered by the rays the first time; or radiation followed by chemotherapy to wipe out any other possible cancer floaters, or, if it has spread, chemotherapy on its own.We are not out of the valleys yet, but to a family which were looking at a possible six to eighteen months, we are celebrating tonight...And there... A Woman of Many Parts blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493682 Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493682