MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'Heroin Addiction Codependence' source. Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:46:10 +0100 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/gods-will-for-me-and-power-to-carry-it.html "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."-Havelock EllisI'm starting my second round of the ninth step this weekend, but I am struggling with 11th step issues. I am looking and looking and looking for God's will for me, and I'm not sure what it might be.It seems ungodly of God to want my marriage to end; it seems like God would want a marriage to be restored. Maybe God is mad at my marriage for springing from the seed of infidelity. Maybe God is mad at me for having a second marriage. Maybe that God I don't believe in is the God who's handling my life right now.Sometimes, I feel like all the evidence in my life is pointing me toward ending everything with my husband, cutting all ties, and moving on. I want to pack up my belongings, sell my house, and mov... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1961298 Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:46:00 +0100 1961298 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_14.html I still taste his kisseslike candy in my mouth.-"Lonesome Blues" by the Be Good TanyasI am angry at myself for letting me relapse on you. I'm detoxing, again. I can't stop thinking about your mouth.Today, I want to give up and tell you to come home. I want to tell you that I'll do whatever it takes not to have to lose proximity to your mouth.At the meeting I went to last night, the topic was denial. I used to think of denial as that thing I felt in the face of your using, where I'd not even let myself admit the possibility that it could be happening. Today, my denial is different. I'm in denial that my life might be better without you.I have a good life. I have good friends. I have a connection to my God. I have cool pets. I have a great job that I enjoy, and I'm making enough money to pay... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1961299 Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:15:00 +0100 1961299 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/no-trapdoor.html I got home tonight, happy to find my husband here. I wasn't sure if he'd be at my house or not, but I thought he might. I sped all the way home, like I used to, excited to be close to him.I saw him peek out the window, and then he got up and left, quickly. His movements made my heart skip a beat. I knew it couldn't be good. I came inside the house, and he was in the bathroom. He'd turned the exhaust fan on. It smelled like pot in the room.I asked him if he'd been smoking. He said, "No." He asked me to come closer to him. I did. I smelled smoke on his breath. I asked him again if he'd been smoking, and he said, "No." I told him he smelled like smoke, and it smelled like smoke in my house. He then said that he'd smoked some pot a few hours earlier, but that he'd gone outside to do it. I told... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1955548 Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:18:00 +0100 1955548 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/both-boat.html A message from my guru:You are having a problem with finding happiness within self. Probably this is a problem that comes from your childhood. Probably also your husband is having this problem as well, and for a while, you were sailing in the same boat. You were very happy in the both boat, but now, you are going in different directions. I really, really loved his "both boat." We did find happiness in the both boat. For a long time, my husband fulfilled all my needs. He was my god, my social life, my career, my muse. He was everything to me. It was really, really beautiful and felt really, really good when it worked, but I see now that it doesn't work. It can never work forever. We can't keep sailing in the both boat.He came over last night and spent the night, and it was an interesting ex... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1952425 Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:35:00 +0100 1952425 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/date-with-my-husband.html My husband took me out to the movies last night. He bought both of our tickets, which was nice, and he even snuck me in an ice cream sundae. We held hands through the movie. When the movie was over, we kissed each other goodnight. I went home. He went to his parents' house.I guess this is working? At least for now? (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1947536 Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:22:00 +0100 1947536 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_07.html (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1943564 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 04:13:00 +0100 1943564 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_827.html I've spent much of today thinking about your mouth: your lips, your teeth, your tongue. I've spent too much time on it. Sometimes, I'm overcome by my physical desire for you, as if I've been traumatized by it. It's kind of like the feeling after being in a car crash...you're walking down the street, just living your normal life, and suddenly, you hear the cracking glass, the screeching tires. I'm living my life, teaching and writing and thinking and breathing, and all of a sudden, all I can see is your face. All I can see is your mouth. I feel paralyzed by it, and thrilled, and afraid.My life has been fogged, like a mirror, by your breath. I wipe a little space to see through, and then I invite you back to heat the space all up again. I'm still, oddly, enjoying this time alone. I am feelin... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1943563 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 04:13:00 +0100 1943563 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/diamonds-and-rust.html (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1939776 Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:53:00 +0100 1939776 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/good-morning.html My husband came to visit me this morning. It was a good visit. He and I are good at complicating things. Things are complicated.I know I can't live with him, today, and I don't think he can live with me, either. I also can't live with the idea of him out of my life forever. Maybe I'm dating my husband.It was good to visit with him, with all parts of him. I spent a long time with the back of his neck. I'd been thinking a lot about the back of his neck, right where it turns from flesh to hair.I like the idea of developing a new way of interacting with each other, of living separately and together at the same time. I don't know if it's realistic or achievable, but it's worked today.I love him. It won't leave me alone. The space I've had from him has been healthy for me, and today, it feels he... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1939777 Wed, 05 Nov 2008 23:11:00 +0100 1939777 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_04.html Talking to you is hard. It's hard and it's wonderful. It's wonderful and it's terrible.Honestly, I've had a better day today, though, for knowing that you're missing me. It's sick. A lot of people, mostly people who don't know you and who don't know me, are telling me I'm a fool for even entertaining the possibility of having a future with you. They're all absolutely right. I'm a fool. I've always been a fool for you, and I don't see it ending any time soon.I like the idea of living apart and seeing each other sometimes, of taking some space to heal separately but with an understood intention of coming back together. I feel like I can catch my breath. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a true thing.I meditated with my new guru today, and somewhere along the way, I... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1933460 Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:08:00 +0100 1933460 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/spiritual-shopping-spree.html Today was my second meeting with my guru, and I am very excited about one particular suggestion of his to enhance my meditation practice. He recommended that I get a set of clothes that I use only for meditation, which sent me on a giddy shopping spree for my perfect white light outfit. I had $25, so I headed to a discount store to see what I could come up with.I started out in the exercise section, but nothing was quite right. Fortunately, though, the exercise section was right by the pajama area. I never wear pajamas, preferring either to go naked or to wear an old t-shirt to spending money on sleeping clothes...but there, in the pajama section, was a selection of the most ridiculous, beautiful, outrageous daishiki-muumuu looking things I've ever seen. They are long, one-size-fits-all ki... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1933461 Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:25:00 +0100 1933461 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_03.html I'm having another hard day.I spoke with your mother today. She told me some stuff it was difficult to hear, but I'm not surprised. I can always tell when you turn into a different person...when the lies start. When you stop making sense. When you're so angry. When you can't finish anything you start. I always know, and I don't want to know, and I believe myself and don't at the same time.I want the ache in my heart to go away, forever. I want the space next to me in my bed filled with you, but I want that other you. Maybe I want an imaginary you.I want to understand my own ups and downs in grieving, but I guess it's not a thing that's logical or understandable in that way. I had such a good day yesterday, without falling apart at all...and then today, I've had much more bad time. For seve... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1930458 Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:31:00 +0100 1930458 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/transition-words.html definitely, extremely, obviously, in fact, indeed, in any case, absolutely, positively, naturally, surprisingly, always, forever, perennially, eternally, never, emphatically, unquestionably, without a doubt, certainly, undeniably, without reservation, yet, still, however, nevertheless, in spite of, despite, of course, once in a while, sometimes, whereas, but, yet, on the other hand, however, nevertheless, on the contrary, by comparison, up against, balanced against, vis a vis, although, conversely, meanwhile, after all, in contrast, although this may be true, first, second, third, and so forth. A, B, C, and so forth. next, then, following this, at this time, now, at this point, after, afterward, subsequently, finally, consequently, previously, before this, simultaneously, concurrently, thu... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1927916 Mon, 03 Nov 2008 11:10:00 +0100 1927916 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband_02.html Today has been a little better. I am feeling ok. A friend of mine from Nar-Anon has been struggling with her relationship, and we spent a lot of time together this evening. It was good to be able to get my mind off of you, us, me...I think it's the first day in the longest time that I haven't fallen apart completely. I'm surprised. I still feel a deep, deep empty in the pit of myself, but I'm able to keep moving and overlooking it.I am still talking about you, though, and thinking about you, and thinking about your problems as mine and my problems as yours, and our problems as the problems of a married couple. I'm not treating it as if we are moving toward becoming something different. I'm not feeling less married. Maybe it's too soon. You haven't even been gone a week.I hosted a chat sess... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1927917 Mon, 03 Nov 2008 03:25:00 +0100 1927917 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/guru.html "Oh, you are a writer! That is very good! You are creative! You have something beautiful that I don't have," said my new Guru."You have something beautiful that I don't have," I responded. "Maybe we can work something out."At one of the places where I work, I'd noticed that one of the clients was a company that had "Yoga" in the title, so I checked out the website to see what it was about. I was intrigued to find a real, live guru, teaching mediation, Ayurveda, and yoga therapy in the city where I live. I'd looked at some of his workshops, and thought I might check one out one day.A few months later, the boss mentioned that he'd practiced meditation with this guru for a while, so I was able to ask a few questions about the process. And finally, recently, one of my favorite yoga teachers pu... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1926719 Sun, 02 Nov 2008 03:12:00 +0100 1926719 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/11/dear-husband.html It's getting a little better every day, but still, at least for a few minutes each day, I feel like I can't breathe.Today, for instance, there have been two times where I've lost my breath. The first was this morning. I went out with some friends for breakfast, and there is a duck pond by the restaurant where we ate. I was doing ok. These are friends in recovery, so it felt good to be among my people while I'm feeling so raw inside, and I felt as centered as I've felt since you left. But I stopped for a few minutes when I left to look at the geese and the beautiful, black swans, and it seemed like my heart might break. They were beautiful. You are beautiful. Beauty hurts my eyes now. I don't want to see beautiful things because I can't see my most beautiful thing.And then there was a song.... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1926720 Sat, 01 Nov 2008 20:19:00 +0100 1926720 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/letting-go.html I realized something today in our meeting. I am having a hard time letting go. It's been a bad couple of days, and I'm not able to get still with myself. I know that it's a choice I can make to start using my tools, gathering myself up, and moving forward, and that I'll feel better if I make this choice.But I don't want to. I don't want it to be over, because then it's really over. If I move on, it mean it's done. I don't want to give up yet.Today, I'm choosing to stay in pain to keep from letting my husband go. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1921223 Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:29:00 +0100 1921223 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/sunday-night-chat-session.html I'll be the guest of honor at this Sunday night's salon chat at the Second Road. If you haven't set up your account over there yet, you'll need one to be able to join the session if you're interested in talking to me.Go to The Second Road, and after you set up your account, you can click on the "Chat" tab. The session will take place at 8:30 EST. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1921224 Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:30:00 +0100 1921224 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/from-ntozake-shange.html oh you/ you are sucha fool/you want me to write some more abt youhow you come into me like a rollercoaster in adip that swingsleaving me shattered/ glistening/ rich/ screeching& fully clothed you set me up to fall into yr dreamslike the sub-saharan animal i am/ in all this heatwanting to be stillto be still with you (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1921225 Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:15:00 +0100 1921225 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/i-want-to-be-ok.html Today, I'm not feeling like I'm going to be ok.The treasure for me in my recovery is that I always feel like I'm going to be ok. That's what I've found in excavating my character defects and getting in touch with my real self and my spirituality...I've found a quiet center where I can always go, turn off the voices in my head, and feel warm, safe, and at peace. I can't get still with myself today. I want desperately to feel that connection with my higher power, and I can't find it right now.My husband called me this morning to apologize for yesterday. I feel somewhat better, I guess, that he's acknowledging that he was really scary and awful. I don't know why it makes me feel better, as it doesn't change anything. The events were what they were, and we are now much more definitively separa... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1918258 Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:33:00 +0100 1918258 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/zombie-army-argument.html Could we talk about something else?One of my jobs includes teaching a night course in writing, and we were workshopping a student's essay tonight that was a great example of what I like to call the "Zombie Army" argument. It's my way of describing the inevitable slippery slope fallacy that feels so satisfying to writers when they are first learning to make a great argument. They sniff out a logical trail, and they start upping the emotional ante until suddenly, they are describing a future, possible world that will inevitably emerge unless we change our terrible ways: There will be limited power, limited food, and limited access to these resources (obviously, they are controlled by The Man.) We'll all live in caves and fight with weapons fashioned from fence posts and scrap metal. We will ... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1911582 Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:57:00 +0100 1911582 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/arent-you-clever.html I took my husband out to dinner and a movie tonight to celebrate a special anniversary. We had a decent time, and I was feeling pretty good about him and our prospects of being able to get to the other side of this crap, maybe, possibly. Maybe I'm just sick, though, and my head has been all foggy with the medicine I'm taking. I don't know.So we were a little early to the movie, and he said, "I need to go use the restroom before we go in to the theater," but he didn't go. I wondered what he was planting a little seedling of a lie about, as he had that lie voice. Those of you who are in relationships with addicts, I am sure, are familiar with the lie voice. It's just an octave above or below the normal voice. It's not too different, but it's not quite right, either. I ignored him, though, as... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1907917 Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:17:00 +0100 1907917 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/when-i-get-my-money.html My husband is expecting to get paid for a job he's been doing for a few days, and he is continuously listing the things he's going to do when he gets his money. He's going to go out to eat, order a pizza, and buy some new clothes. He's going to get a video game and go to McDonald's twenty times. He's going to do all kinds of fun stuff.It's really, really working my nerves. I'll be getting a pay check on the first, and guess what I'm planning to do with it? I'm planning to pay bills. Maybe there will be a little left over after I pay the mortgage, and then I'll go to the grocery store and buy food. Yay.I wish he could be a grown up. My patience and tolerance tanks are on empty. I feel affectionate toward him hardly ever anymore, and it's new that I'm losing the desire to be close to him, ev... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1902122 Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:41:00 +0100 1902122 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/homeless-homeowner.html All the ups and downs around my house lately have sent me backwards a bit. I'm avoiding my home again. It gets awkward, floating around from coffee shop to coffee shop trying to find a place to work without feeling weird. I've been to three places today.The magic of working from home was that I was hoping to be able to work from home. Instead, I travel around like a migrant with my laptop, avoiding the house, the mess, and the man who lives there.I don't want to keep trying anymore with my husband. I'm going to need to see a miracle in the next few days to change my mind about what's been happening. In the week since he's forced his way back into my home, he's smoked pot in the house and disrupted my sleep twice with great big, abusive hissy fits. Everything that I've said would be a deal-... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1895639 Tue, 21 Oct 2008 22:09:00 +0100 1895639 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/huh.html Today, my husband had the same morning fit as he had last Wednesday; it was the same fit that he apologized for so beautifully on Friday.He doesn't feel good. He didn't want to walk to the methadone clinic. He did clear up for me, however, that the word he was using was "heartless."He woke me up at 4:30 in the morning to pick a fight about how he needed a ride, and he threw a huge fit when I said, "No."I know better than to try to understand. I know his behavior doesn't make sense. I do, though, want it to make sense so much. We have one more week until this two week trial of him living with me again is over. I promised myself I'd let him have these two weeks, no matter what they looked like, and if I found him to be unbearable at the end of it, I'd do whatever it takes to make him go away... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1892182 Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:32:00 +0100 1892182 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/i-love-you-i-love-you-i-love-you.html I spoke with my husband on the phone tonight, and he kept telling me again and again that he loved me. He said it too much.I am suspicious of my husband for saying "I love you," too much.I am crazy.Good night. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1888525 Sun, 19 Oct 2008 02:53:00 +0100 1888525 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/bread-at-hardware-store.html "Come here," he said. I came. He pulled me into his lap."I'm sorry about the other day, in the morning. I shouldn't talk to you like that. I don't want to talk to you like that.""It's ok," I said."It's not. I know you have to set stuff like that up so you don't get hurt. I understand, it just hurts my feelings when I feel like you don't care.""I do care, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry when I hurt you.""I know. I love you.""I love you, too."Sometimes, instead of my crazy bastard husband, I get my dream husband. He's present, and he understands how hard it is to live with him. We are able to empathize with each other.At a meeting a few weeks ago, a woman said that she is learning in her recovery that trying to get support, love, nurturing from her addicted partner is kind ... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1886815 Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:11:00 +0100 1886815 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/lets-pretend.html My husband and I are pretending that his fit yesterday morning didn't happen. It's really healthy.Totally healthy.I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm feeling pretty detached from the whole affair after talking it through with some friends. Today, I've worked a lot, looked up information on 12 step support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and played with this website, which Stagnant Artist showed me. I went to a meeting. My husband and I ate hot fudge sundaes together and flirted.He's really upset with a lot of things, poor man. He's upset that his mama didn't love him right when he was a little boy. He's upset that I'm getting stronger, which manifests mostly in a lot of "No" as far as he's concerned. He's upset that he's gotten himself in such a bind. I see him working rea... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1883650 Fri, 17 Oct 2008 03:06:00 +0100 1883650 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/heartless-vs-worthless.html On Wednesdays, I have quite a long day. I work from 8:00 until noon, take a yoga break, and then go back to work from 2 until around 9. I get home, and then I have my online step meeting. It's a long day. I need a lot of sleep, and I protect my sleep like a mother bear protects her cubs.This morning, my husband wanted a ride to the methadone clinic. I only just found out that he's gone back on methadone, as he'd been hiding it and lying to me about it for a while, so the methadone clinic is a touchy point for me. The car, sleep, and me giving up my basic needs to fulfill his immature needs are all big boundaries. He's got a cold, and he wasn't feeling well this morning, but I have made it clear to him that I am not giving up two hours of my sleep to drive him back and forth to the methadon... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1880200 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:53:00 +0100 1880200 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/through.html The only way to get out of whatever it is I’m doing is to get through it. I don’t like it. I want a trap door.My husband and I were both at home today together, which was alternately lovely and infuriating. I have such thin patience for any behavior that is even slightly addicty. It’s not just with him. It’s with anyone. I don’t have patience with my dog if she’s being willfully obstinate, needy, or petulant.One of the things I’m noticing that’s different about me in my recovery is that lately, I am really aware of the things I run from. If I’m resisting something, I figure that there must be a reason why I am struggling around it, and it’s probably what I need. I figure that on the other side of my resistance is a door to a bigger, more beautiful life. For instance, th... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1876521 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 02:38:00 +0100 1876521 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/dirty-laundry.html My husband showed up at the house yesterday with a basket full of dirty laundry, both actual and metaphorical. He had a big speech prepared about how he has to live here because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. He said if I wanted him gone, I'd have to call the cops and make them come fulfill his arrest warrant.After his big, stompy speech, he put his arms around me and tried to comfort me.I felt kind of like I was going to explode from the pressure. A big part of me, of course, wants him to be here. I've always wanted him to be here. I'd been missing him, and the thought of him being back home was a great relief. Another part of me, though, knows that I'm not ready for him to be back. I know he hasn't worked through whatever he needs to work through or figured out whatever lesson he n... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1873201 Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:13:00 +0100 1873201 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/visit.html My husband stopped by the house this morning. I am not sure why he was here other than that he was testing my tolerance for him to be here. I am tolerant of him being here. I would like for us to be able to see each other sometimes.It was wonderful to see him, and it was hard to see him. It was kind of like getting water after a long run. It felt good to hear his voice, to feel his arms around me. It was hard for him to leave. It's hard to remember how we can laugh together and to know that it's not like that when he's here all the time.There are a lot of interesting things I'm observing in myself. His parents are smoking crack. I am sorry that he is living with people who are smoking crack. That's clearly not a good environment for him. It's sad to me that he's in a bad place and that his... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1871175 Sun, 12 Oct 2008 06:35:00 +0100 1871175 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/meditation.html I was meditating tonight in the bathtub. I like to meditate there. It's safe and warm and quiet. There aren't dogs around poking me with cold noses or wet kisses. I always visualize things in the bath tub. I'm not sure why.Tonight, I couldn't focus on the quiet. I kept hearing the words to songs, kept wanting to sing along, kept thinking about how much I'm hurting and how afraid I am. The voice that sometimes speaks from the quiet, still place said to me, "Go ahead. Sing. Think. Feel. I'll still be here."So I did. I thought about my worst fears. I thought about what it would feel like if my husband were to die. I thought about how awful I'd hurt if he were to kill himself or overdose or otherwise die tragically. I pictured his body, broken and cold. I pictured myself looking at his dead bo... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1865712 Fri, 10 Oct 2008 04:10:00 +0100 1865712 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/dream.html I dreamed last night I'd been kidnapped. I was living in a strange house at the whim of a strange couple. I was with several women, and there were often more women coming and going, in and out. Some of why we were kidnapped was to serve as sexual prisoners, and some of it was for housekeeping, and some of it seemed just for the fun of being bossy and torturing someone.I was miserable and afraid. I felt like I'd never be able to get out.Suddenly, though, in an odd green jumpsuit, my favorite grandmother appeared. I was happy to see her, as I knew she'd come to rescue me, but also because she's been dead for several years. I miss her. She came in, politely, and winked at me in a way that told me I could walk right out the back door. She stayed to schmooze with the kidnappers and distract the... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1865713 Fri, 10 Oct 2008 04:04:00 +0100 1865713 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/what-doesnt-belong-to-me.html I had a small victory last night, and I'm proud of myself for it. I thought I'd share it with you.My husband called me while I was in my afternoon yoga class, and left a message saying he needed to talk to me about something. I called him back, and we finally caught each other last night when I was on my way home from work. He has been working for a distant relative the last few weeks, and the reward for this work was supposed to be a car. He hasn't had a car in a while, so it was an exciting prospect for him to have his own ride. He was pretty sure that it would help him to get a job.He's staying with family in a few towns over from here, and he is very upset with me because now he's not got a ride to work. He's afraid he's going to miss the chance to get this car."Just because you can't ... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1865714 Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:21:00 +0100 1865714 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/break-ups-at-second-road.html Breaking up is hard. It’s hard in any circumstances, and I’m remembering some of the interesting mental acrobatics that I’ve engaged in previously in breakups as they come back up again. For instance, I am already plotting conversations I can have with my husband in November. I’ve prepaid our veterinary expenses for the year, for instance, so I am planning to be able to talk to him in a few weeks to tell him we need to talk his dog to the vet.You can read more at The Second Road. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1863046 Wed, 08 Oct 2008 23:04:00 +0100 1863046 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/warwick-avenue.html I am having an interesting time with myself. I work for a few hours, and then I listen to a sad song and sob. I work for a few hours, and then I call a friend and tell my story. I work some more.I'm ok, but nothing feels real. I'd hoped by getting away from my husband for a while, I'd start to be able to know what was real and what wasn't. The most hurtful thing for me in living with his addiction was the lying...and specifically the lying that was meant to twist my understanding of reality. When protecting his addiction is more important to my husband than my sanity, I have to retreat. I did the right thing.But nothing feels real over here yet, either. It's not different from the before time, this after time. I'm still longing for him. I'm still in pain. I still don't know right and wrong... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1863047 Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:18:00 +0100 1863047 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/lift-me-up.html I need kind words and prayers and positive thoughts. My husband is leaving today. Neither of us can live with the other anymore. I feel like I'm collapsing on the inside.I know this is the right thing for both of us. He's got to find his own way, and I've got to find mine. I also know that it's the only way that we may ever be able to make our marriage work, but I'm hurting right now.I'm opening my heart and my website. Please say nice things to me. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1859814 Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:24:00 +0100 1859814 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/up-to-here.html I've had it.My husband didn't come home Saturday night. He gave me a courtesy call at 4 a.m. He also called frantically after 8 a.m. wanting a ride. I told him no, and he found his way home later that day. He then hijacked the second story of my house to nurse his hangover and wouldn't talk to me. He was still up there when I woke up this morning and left for work.He's never stayed out all night before, and I'm not willing to learn new tricks with him. I'm not living this way anymore. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1856481 Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:37:00 +0100 1856481 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/step-4-and-wandering-thoughts.html "Putting our thoughts on paper is valuable and necessary when completing Step Four. The process of writing focuses our wandering thoughts and allows us to concentrate on what is really happening."-The 12 Steps: A Way OutMan, that wandering mind thing is right. I'm having a hard time getting started on the work for the fourth step this second time around. I've been holding the book in my lap for a while now, but I've only read through a bit of it, and I'm not quite sure what I've actually read as opposed to massaging words with my eyes.I've suddenly gotten very interested in all kinds of things. Here are a few of the things I've discovered and accomplished while sometimes holding, sometimes setting aside, my step book:I realized that the area around my desk was fascinatingly messy. I've cle... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1852749 Sun, 05 Oct 2008 01:48:00 +0100 1852749 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/stop.html I want my husband to stop hurting.I was working today, and he kept putting his foot under my hand and whining about how much it hurts him. He asked me to stop working long enough to rub his foot. I told him, "No." He insisted. I kept saying no. Finally, I told him I'd rub his foot if he'd do something about the pile of dishes that's accumulating in the sink. He said he would before we went to bed tonight. I rubbed his foot for a bit, and then got back to work. A few hours later, he went to bed, leaving the pile of dishes stacked up in the sink.I'm almost positive that he's still smoking weed in the house. I'm too tired to go looking for it, and I figure I'll find it when it's time for me to find it. I'm going to make him leave when it gets clearer. I can't do this anymore with him.I love h... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1851266 Sat, 04 Oct 2008 02:19:00 +0100 1851266 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/10/trust-and-step-3.html "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."I'm working on step 3 again now, and it's different this time. There are things I couldn't quite talk about before, or think about, that I'm able to talk and think about really comfortably now.I am able to acknowledge, for instance, that the sexual abuse in my life has given me a tremendous capacity to doubt my own ability to understand what is real. The only thing I remember distinctly about the incident is thinking immediately afterward, "It's not possible that what I'm remembering just happened. I must have been dreaming. It can't be real." I remember going through the day at school telling myself that what I was pretty sure had happened to me couldn't possibly have happened. No one who I trust... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1845163 Thu, 02 Oct 2008 02:11:00 +0100 1845163 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/if-you-cant-accept-it-or-enjoy-it-stop.html I just finished Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth last night. I've been reading it for a while, kind of in between other things I've been reading, and through the peaks and valleys, I've found a lot of things that helped me re-think my choices and re-view my life. In many ways, it felt like reading familiar material put into new words...and not in a bad way.You can find the rest at The Second Road. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1837532 Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:30:00 +0100 1837532 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/i-statements-vs-you-statements-and.html In our most recent Group Conscience meeting for my Nar-Anon, we discussed a need to clarify our stance on feedback and crosstalk in our meetings. While it’s rare that these events occur, there are some folks who have felt criticized or felt like other group members offer advice that is unhelpful and unwanted. We have been noodling through some ways to clarify the wording, and I volunteered to take our Opening Statement and add a few sentences that clarify what we mean by “We do not give advice, dialogue, debate, or crosstalk” in our meetings.Read more at The Second Road. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1833462 Sat, 27 Sep 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1833462 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/passion-vs-peace.html In this second go-round with the Steps, I've had something of a discovery of my understanding of what this lesson with addiction might be teaching me.So I have this Higher Power, and I've been learning to turn my fear, my distrust, and my pain over to this Higher Power. In exchange, I have found some new space within myself for peace. I have found comfort in being alone and the sure sense that no matter what happens to my marriage or to my husband, I am going to be ok. Through this sense of peace, I have found a portal to get away from pain. If I truly get centered in myself...truly let go of all my desires for things, for my husband, for my marriage to follow the path I'd set out on initially...I can avoid much of the gut-wrenching pain that has consumed my life. I find contentment, quiet... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1833463 Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:36:00 +0100 1833463 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/home-again.html My husband is home. I'm happy he's here with me.I went to visit him a few nights ago, and we were both so astonishingly sane. He said he wanted to come home, and I said I wanted him to come home, but that I wasn't yet clear on what I needed to be comfortable with him living with me yet. He understood, and he said for me to let him know when it became clearer. He told me he'd do whatever it took.I know there's a difference in being willing to say that he'll do whatever it takes and actually doing whatever it takes, but I was impressed with his lack of anger and his acceptance of what a hard time I'd been having. I think we both got a lot of clarity from our time apart, and I've worked out the boundaries that I can accept for now.He acknowledged that he'd fallen into a rut that wasn't workin... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1833464 Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:28:00 +0100 1833464 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/i-dont-know.html I don’t know what I want. I’m struggling to figure it out. I want to be happy. I’m not sure if happiness and peace can come together. It kind of seems like happiness might only be available in a bundle with misery.See more at The Second Road. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1826257 Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:03:00 +0100 1826257 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/not-all-there.html I spent much of today looking for my glasses. I just found them on top of my head.I've accomplished a few things: I did some work. I put on pants. (Putting on pants is a major accomplishment. This week, working from home means I sit in bed with my laptop a lot.) I fed my dogs their lunch. I emptied half the dishwasher.I'm not calling him. He called me last night. It made me upset. He called to see how I was. He was kind. His kindness made me upset, as would his cruelty. I miss him, and I don't want him to come home...at the same time. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1826258 Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:12:00 +0100 1826258 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/frame.html I was meditating in the bath tub tonight, and I had an odd thing pop into my mind. I kept picturing a beautiful frame. Inside the frame was blurry, glowing, yellow light, but I was focusing on the frame. It was porcelain and elaborate. There were roses, and I kept combing my eyes over every petal and every leaf and every line. It was exquisitely formed, perfectly colored, and looked exactly like things I like looking at...layered and intricate and feminine and delicate.Somewhere, from deep inside, I heard, "You're focusing all your attention on the frame."And it was true. I tried to pull my attention from the frame, and I couldn't. I don't know what was in the picture. (Source: Heroin Addiction Codependence) Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1815812 Tue, 23 Sep 2008 02:26:00 +0100 1815812 http://www.thejunkyswife.com/2008/09/hurt.html What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurtI asked my husband for a break today. I'm not even sure what it means, a break. He's staying with family for a few days so we can both figure some things out.I'm hurting. I miss him. I want to go get him and bring him home. I want him to stay far away. I know how infuriating it is for your lover to be in this place, as he's been here a lot: come closer...stay away...leave me alone...never leave me. I want my husband home, but I don't want this disease.Many things have been going well between us lately, but the weed smoking is really triggering for me. I'm afra... Heroin Addiction Codependence blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1812923 Mon, 22 Sep 2008 04:39:00 +0100 1812923