MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'NotPerfectAtAll' source. Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:35:22 +0100 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2408596&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F05%2Fmadre-mia.html The old man shuffled under the gilded layered robes, his face clenched as he went entered the room. They were waiting, ready to take him around, wanting something, a Word, some Guidance. It was another attestation to His greatness, His mysterious ways, his infinite kindness and wisdom. And it was Work.Work needed to be done, because people were watching, and they needed to learn. His job was to shepherd them. He has been given the light, the sword, the kingdom, he was clutching to it, although he knew it could never be taken. Not while he was alive.But there was infinity to prove. The world was unimaginably different than even 10 years ago. There were forces. Demons. They gnawed their way into sites of uttermost holiness, and swarmed like locust, they were unabashed by gold, by gilt, by ax... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2408596 Thu, 14 May 2009 04:00:00 +0100 2408596 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2021537&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F12%2Fleap.html Out of anger and resentment comes redemption. Out of jealously and bitterness comes acceptance. Out of chaos comes peace. But only if you believe. And that nonaction is a struggle that has to be repeated daily like a mantra and a chore. I have always been lax at daily maintenance whether my own, embarrassing to say but even hygiene, or that of my surroundings. It's safe to say there is at most a 50-50% chance of me doing something when I say that I will do it. I do however try to keep my promises and appointments which is why I find it so hard to commit, even return calls and uphold contacts, and why I am fundamentally lonely. Like my personal life my habitats have always reeked of false starts and uncompleted tasks. I no longer expect myself to have the stamina or endurance and have resig... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2021537 Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:00:00 +0100 2021537 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2005882&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F12%2Fbare-necessities.html Ron asked me, in a yet-unanswered email, if I have been doing any writing. The truth is that asides from the last posts and a couple archived ones that I published, I have been self destructing. When I speak about self destruction these days, it no longer involves punctured skin or chemicals or painful sex, but it still invariably involves the self loathing that would set these off, the anger, the idling, the panic, the stress, the fatigue, the despair, the gritted teeth and shallow breath and strained muscles, and of course, the eating. I wouldn’t call it binging because I have binged in the past and I know it doesn’t get nearly as far these days, but it is definitely stressful emotional eating. Strange that this is the acceptable term, since I do not feel emotional at all when eating... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2005882 Sat, 29 Nov 2008 05:00:00 +0100 2005882 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1968912&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F11%2Ffor-once.html I come home and I dont take off my coat because its too cold indoors. I rub my chin and feel the tiny coarse hairs I have to tweeze every day now, and I wonder about my hormones. I will find out this month if I have entered early menopause or not and if that is the reason that more than a year's worth of syringes sperm-filled hasn't gotten me pregnant. I mean, maybe I am optimistic, maybe it will take more than a month to find out. I am not trying tp find out everything I can about this, I have spent too much time in skeptic, concerned, frentic HIV research mode to dive into fertility mode, I know I need to be informed, but not just yet.Anyway, I dont really want to be pregnant. I mean, I do want it, but I don't really want it, not with my salary as low as it is and my contract about to ex... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1968912 Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1968912 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1717229&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F08%2Flovable-affordable.html It's a sparkling automn day here in the lowlands, golden sunlight is seeping through the white curtains, and the air will be fresh and crisp when I emerge from the cluttered yet cozy apartment and let my well worn sneakers beat on the dappled pavements. Then I will rush home, it will be already after 10.00, and hope in the shower, ignoring the water that rises above the clogged drain, towel myself dry and rush out on my rusty little bike to work. I'll be sitting alone in my room with a nunch of papers, typing away, waiting for a text message from my brother, who is hopping on the Eurostar to come see me after more than a year in which we haven't met. P. will work until 17.00, and I will leave work and go home to some schedueled sex. After that I'll start cleaning and preparing the place fo... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1717229 Tue, 19 Aug 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1717229 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1605945&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F07%2Ftorn.html P is away planning a wedding. It's going to be huge. Well not as far as weddings go but as far as I ever imagined. I am here trying to hold on, exasperated with the oblivious, well intentioned people that surround me, resentful towards those that do want something, apologizing profusely whenever I suspect that my unkindness unveiled. At the moment, I am wedged on a precipice of superstition, terrified of jinxing myself, restless, shifty as though I was going something wrong, committing a crime instead of sanctifying a bond. Ashamed as the con that I am.Jogging through the rain soaked park in the last rays of overdue sunshine, I am so slow and stiff that I imagine someone mocking my girly run. Slow enough to observe signs of premature fall manifesting the accelerated random shuffle of seaso... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1605945 Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1605945 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1546722&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F06%2Fforeign-affairs.html I stay home, not because I planned to. I have work to do, that ain't new. Have to finish something so I will have something to say somewhere, and they want to know what it is I am going to say upfront. Speaking and writing are different, and I feel a hollow dread trying to fill the void between 15 frontal minutes and 5,000 backstage words. I falter, drinking coffee after coffee, wandering the net, burning time as I have been apt to lately, and here is half 2008 and I am 4 posts poor. I guess misery and loneliness really do feed creation. There is a topic that I have been wanting to write about here at least for a couple of months but every time I think I grabbed it, it escapes me. I let go of it and go the the bathroom, ignoring the filthy floors, the hairballs, everything that I tell myse... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1546722 Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1546722 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1335257&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F03%2Fall-you-have-to-be-is-you-how-to-lose.html When I was a young child I had this recurrent thought before I let myself drift off. I was in a warm, single-story house (we had always lived in apartments), and there was a storm raging outside in the night, a strom so fierce it might've been a war. All our friends and relatives were already tucked safely in the other rooms of the house, butjust to make sure, I'd go through a mental inventory of my dog, my brother, my grandparets, uncles and aunts on both sides, cousins, dad's cousin and his children, neighbours, my parents best friends, then I'd go through my collection furry animals, and then I'd start thinking of more people who should be in, and so I'd run out into the poring rain and thunder in my night out, and drag them in from wherever the were hiding, unsuspecting that this storm... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1335257 Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1335257 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1329995&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F03%2Flove-actually.html Real love is not just about sunsets and ancient bridges, it’s about taking what you can and seeing the best. It's about accepting the person and reality for what it is. Real life, like real love, is being in the moment, not escaping from it. If your loved one farts in the shower every morning, you joke about it, and if he snores, you accept it, maybe by moving to another bed (or sending him to sleep there). You learn not to expect or need big romantic gestures, they’re good for telling your friends about them but not as good as having your lover take time off work to meet the plumber or pick up food on the way home or make love to you the way that you need it (which is not, and will never be, the way that it’s written in a Danielle Steele novel or seen in a movie, not even an indie m... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1329995 Thu, 27 Mar 2008 04:00:00 +0100 1329995 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1198004&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Fmonologue.html I’ve been away for so long, due to a combination of factors. Actually what brought me back to the blog is the fact that I volunteered (seems a somewhat dramatic term, but can't think of something more accurate) to host (again seems overly dramatic) the upcoming edition of the International Carnival of Positivities.I've mentioned the ICP here last time I blogged. It's a collection of writing by different pozzies from all over the world and all ethnicities and background. Actually not only pozzies, anyone else involved, anyone else who cares, basically, can participate in it. It's Ron Hudson's baby, so I will stop sounding as though I know anything much about the doctrine behind it. I'll just say it's a beautiful thing.What has kept me away was resistance, not just my own version of the vi... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1198004 Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:00:00 +0100 1198004 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512709&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Ficp-28.html ...(dialogue)I am honored to feature the new edition of the International Carnival of Positivities, as usual, graciously assembled by Ron.The links in the Carnival are mostly categorized according to their writers' own classification.I've been trying to write some kind of adequate intro to this ICP for a while, to no avail. Just honored to be a small part of this really. And if you feel like me, please let the authors know. Even a little comment can mean an awful lot.NewsEdwin at Criminal HIV Transmission, a "collection of published news stories about criminal HIV exposure/transmission cases around the world, and other relevant material", presents Australia: SA judge may relax Stuart McDonald's onerous bail conditions."Funding for HIV research is higher than for any other virus. But is it ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512709 Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:00:00 +0100 2512709 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1020024&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fnot-only-one.html When I started blogging, I didn’t know anyone like me online and only a couple offline. I didn’t even start using AIDSmeds yet. Now I know there are so many people like me. I knew there were 65 million of us, I just didn’t know any of us. I knew the names of some celebrities who died of AIDS – most recently, in Israel, Ofra Haza, a very famous singer who died secretly in her home and I am not even sure how the press got a hold of the fact that she was positive. I don’t know if she died from neglecting the disease so much and not seeking help until it was too late, and unprofessional help at that (because money will buy you the best medical attention but also the worst neglect and coverup if you seek that). Not long after her death her husband killed himself by overdosing on cocai... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1020024 Mon, 12 Nov 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1020024 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1007308&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fexhale.html I think that sums up pretty well how I feel now. Too tired to work, socialize or even have sex(!). Never mind sex, to tired to breath properly, so I hyperventilate. I drag myself to work every day, not even showering regularly anymore, not cooking, going to the gym maybe once-twice a week. Something's gotta give cos I am not used to living that way. Maybe it has to do with being deprived of sleep or my stomach being almost constantly upset due to the new medication. yes, new meds. Just 2-3 months after making the switch from Stokrin (Sustiva) to Viramune due to the severe insomnia and near psychotic thoughts that the former induced, I had to switch to the more primitive Invirase+ Norvir, both protease inhibitors, because I was coming up detectable in my viral load tests consecutively. That... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1007308 Tue, 06 Nov 2007 05:00:00 +0100 1007308 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512710&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Flearning.html So just a few words before I rush off to the gym... I have been trying to fit in the virtual poz world, but it's not really working out. You can spend hours a day reading posts, keeping up with others' lives, learning their whims, but when you try to correspond with them, at least in my case, there is a serious breakdown in communication. I don't know if it because my English is not as good as it can be when I am interacting, or whether like in any group, in an online community there are only few people that can really get me, and I them. I do feel that I have a soft spot for pretty much everyone I meet online (with the exception of cheaters). I don't care what people do and did, I don't judge anyone because I know how close I have been to even the most extreme behaviors myself, and I also... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512710 Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:00:00 +0100 2512710 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=841713&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fviolently-happy.html I do take into account that the fact that I wake up and all I want to do is grab my work and delve into it, or slip into my jogging gear and out the door and into the exceedingly colder and wetter outdoors, or into P's bed (because we sleep separately most nights, that way I can toss and turn away my PN-like symptoms, and P can snore to his heart's content), could be just a pseudo-manic episode or a post-menstrual high. So instead of following up on any of these options I end up here, with oatmeal and Moroccan tea in front of the keyboard (the only time I don't eat in front of which is at dinner, when I trade the laptop screen with the TV's). I mean, I know I am happy, but there are still stings of fear and anger and restlessness. I can still wake up and think of a member on AIDSmeds who s... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=841713 Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 841713 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=838093&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F09%2Fjust-be.html This year has been a difficult one for writing. I don't mean 2007, I mean the 2nd year of diagnosis. I moved into something else, and it's something I am particulalrly fond of. Unchartered terittory. What I meant to write in the previous post was so different from what actually appeared on the screen. I wanted to write about how all my feelings and way of living are different now than what I could possibly imagine, but what came out was a rant, a distraction. That's because life keeps distracting me. Real or virtual events interfere with what goes on when everything is quiet, late at night, my real existence.I can't really explain it. I think it has something to do with being loved for the first time.Not that my parents didn't love me, they loved me with all their heart, and then some. But... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=838093 Mon, 03 Sep 2007 04:00:00 +0100 838093 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=763654&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Funchartered-terittory.html You wake up one day into what is to become the nightmare version of your life, the inconceivable. This is the day that you will be branded a low-grade biohazard, although it will be done gently and considerably. Technically, nothing should change. In practice, everything does. You are stripped of your identity and must face the world in your new one. Like a prostitute in a shop window, you are naked, except maybe for a thin layer of liquid silicone to make your skin appear mannequin smooth. It is not even dry yet, and you are sent to stand on the street against the elements: the wind, the rain, the passers by. You are at the mercy of all of them, and you will remain so for the rest of your life.Because a HIV status turns things around. Whatever you have been, you are now less of that thing... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=763654 Sat, 28 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 763654 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=763035&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Ffirst-stone.html It's been again ages since I wrote, once or twice I started a post and drafted them. The main excuse was my RSI, the secondary one was peripheral neuropathy playing havoc with my brain. I can be all relaxed doing my thing when all of a sudden a shooting painin my shins, or my feet feeling as numb as though they'd been wrapped in ice, or a tingling in my lips and tongue, or invisible spiders crawling of my limbs remind me that on paper I have AIDS and had it for a long time, that I am taking medications whose side effects are unknown but in any case not expected to be anything less than toxic, and that the poz guy on my corridor whom I see once in a while was using a walking stick the last time I saw him. Frankly, PN scares the shit out of me. Add to that the constant threat of lipo, the no... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=763035 Fri, 27 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0100 763035 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512711&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F07%2Ffool.html For some obscure reason, I bumped into an tarot reading site and did an online reading. Since then I have been recieving a weekly lesson in tarot. This is not something I have ever been interested in, I am usually quite scared of people who dabble in anything psychic or astrological, not because I think they have some supernatural powers, just because I think that they might actually think that they do. Anyway this whole intro is apollogetically aimed at explaining the name of this post.Apparently, the fool is the very first card, and it indicates "innocence", "naivety", and "no fear of new experiences or change". One should welcome the fool, unless it is the first card blind-picked from the deck. In that case, it indicates fickleness and immaturity.I sit typing in our shared study (yes, w... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512711 Sun, 15 Jul 2007 23:00:00 +0100 2512711 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=675997&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F06%2Frevolution-will-not-be-televised.html I have severe RSI and am not supposed to write at all, so everyone tells me, the physiotherapist, the doctors, the work doctor. Today i cancelled a semniar to which I applied follishly just a couple days ago, mostly because the thought of having to prepare a presentation to a potentially very critical audience on top of my usual chores might leave me severly handicapped. I can't tell you how difficult it is not to write, even as I write this......P. stuff is trickling into my apartment, and we live here, but it isn't yet official, it's two months already that he is in the process of moving. Today, my Ukrainian Jewish friend S. told me she will be married to her Dutch boyfriend. But she has a lot of doubts, mostly about the permanent seperation from her family that this would entail. I saw ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=675997 Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:00:00 +0100 675997 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512712&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fno-one.html I posted this on aidsmedsunder the title How I was diagnosed, disclosed, and met my boyfriend. I am up straight more than 24 hours working nonstop, losing circulation in my legs from sitting, ankles swollen, I took a couple hours and wrote this, cried and shook some. I kept going back and revising, finally this embarassed me, so I put the full version here. Maybe I should update there too, what the hell....No one told me to get a HIV test. Because I am a woman, I have a good job, I look good, i don't do drugs, I don't f. around and had good boyfriends with good jobs. I should mention that I used condoms almost all the time, even in long relationships, because I didn't like taking birth control pills, I thought they were not healthy. I knew about HIV. I talked about it, I asked every person... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512712 Tue, 29 May 2007 23:00:00 +0100 2512712 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2512713&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Ftunnel-vision.html 1) Why did it hurt?Yesterday was an "off" day. I couldn't meet, or even talk, to anyone other than P., and felt like I am alone in the world. Sometimes I want to call someone, but there is no one, I look at the contact list on my phone and it is incredibly short, but I admit that it is partially, or even wholly, my own making. It is me who isolated myself all those years, and continue to do so. It is not that P. isn't enough, he is great - he even gave me flowers the other day, the most beautiful roses I have ever seen (pic to be uploaded soon), and we can talk, laugh, debate, about everything and anything. But sometimes I miss having other people in my life. Not because something is missing between the two of us but because I need to know that there are more people out there looking out f... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2512713 Sat, 26 May 2007 23:00:00 +0100 2512713 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=638190&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fpower-of-love.html This post has been simmering for the last days, I have been meaning to write it, but didn't find time to, or when I did, didn't quite find the words. Finally, I am at work after another unremarkable did in which I hardly worked at all (save for a budget related meeting and drafting a letter), there is great weather outside, P. is off somewhere, presumably playing pool, and the building seems to be quite. Everybody's gone off to enjoy the weather, which, typically, should only last TILL the weekend...But what I have been thinking, or rather feeling, that is just so hard to explain. A kind of overwhelming thankfulness, peacefullness, despite the imperfections of things, a gratefuleness that I have a partner (!) who doesn't make a fuss about sleeping apart most nights (because we sleep better... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=638190 Thu, 24 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 638190 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=631628&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fwhats-new-pussycat.html The clock is ticking towards 11.00, I am home, in my bathrobe, unshowered, after a too-big breakfast (bowl of oatmeal followed by muesli and milk, double dose of confort food). Trying not to stress, to stiffle the panic that comes with every new day.I have take to writing on forums as I mentioned here. Yesterday one of the participants asked what we like to do, in our spare time, to take the mind off, to unwind. I gave a long list of things that I like, things that I do. But I don't do them enough, hardly ever, I do other things. And that's fine too I guess. The forums. Making love this morning, both of us late for work. Raquetbal in the park. The weather improving. Still too fat. Weighed in at the docs a couple weeks ago, I hadn't gained as much weight as i previously thought, but enough ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=631628 Wed, 23 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 631628 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=629256&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F05%2Fhow-i-changed-since-diagnosis.html Now that I gave the title (always a mistake, better to write first, caption later), I feel somewhat like a kid about to write the "what I did last summer" essay. But I know I have changed a great deal. Recently, I have been using HIV forums a lot, where I get get pretty much instant feedback and respond to others. But there is a limit to the amount of self-centeredness that these forums can take I guess. And I guess me realizing that is also part of the change.I used to be very self centered. I based my whole image and worth on how others percieved me, or rather, how I percieved others to percieve me. I objectified myself, I objectified others. I was always calculating, subtly, who had the upper hand. My relationships were based on my needs and my needs only, and for that reason, ironicall... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=629256 Sun, 20 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100 629256 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=565669&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fpursuit-of-happiness.html Not long ago I watched The Pursuit of Happiness which for a Will Smith film was very good. Erase that.... It was a good film period and he acted incredibly well. At the end of the movie Will's character, ingratiated to his wits' end, is overwhelmed with happiness, can barely restrain himself from breaking down in the midst of a crowded street, because he has finally landed a secure job and his able to take care of his son, after going through the hell of slipping down the American capitalist structure without a safety net, all the way down to the bottom, as can happen.Today I remembered this when my friend M., who has also been going through the rough times of an unknown, insecure future, came to my room, flushed, almost teary eyed, and said that she had been offered a job in one of the mo... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=565669 Mon, 23 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 565669 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=553499&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F04%2F1942007.html Wow, I knew that it's been a long time since I posted but hadn't realized how long it really was. I came back from Spain. I came back from Israel. Winter changed into spring. I've fallen into depression, climbed back out, fallen again.... I am still struggling in this swamp and there is no way out. The sun outside in shining, I should be at work but I am in P's house typing away.I guess I should go back and sum up Spain, after all it caused me so much grief and stress at the time. In one word greathard or hardgreat. I did well, I looked well, I interacted, I seemed successful and bonded with people, I couldn't sleep, I vomited.I guess I can say the same for Israel, although it was longer. And there there was a lot of sadness thrown in. And a loss of control. I didn't manage to supress my d... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=553499 Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:00:00 +0100 553499 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493573&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Fbug-lifeniets-is-zeker.html There is an advertisment on Dutch TV for an insurance company, niets is zeker (nothing is certain/secure). I don't need Delta Lloyd to tell me that niets is zeker, my CD4 is again under the red line, I don't know why. My VL is still undetectable, or was a few weeks ago, but my CD is just not rising. Besides, I doubt they would insure me anyway, or that I could afford their premia if they did.Insurance, what a strange concept. My health bill for 2006 came through, it was more than 13,000 Euro. Luckily the Dutch health system reformed. I mean, when I was diagnosed I wasn't even insured, but they changed the law as they do every couple of years and during 2006 no health insurance company is allowed to refuse anyone. So, momentarily, I am safe.B's father died. He went to Bangkok for the funera... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493573 Thu, 08 Mar 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493573 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493574&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Felephant-in-fridge.html A guy wakes up thirsty in the middle of the night, walks sleepily to his kitchen and opens the fridge. Incredibly, there is an elephant inside. As the guy stands there blinking in disbelief, the elephant opens its mouth and says: "fact".This is my life, full of facts that I try to ignore and that I can't believe are happening. I am about to go and present to the head of my institution, I am going to Spain in 10 days or so, and will not only present to 80 people or so, but also meet P's family again, alone this time and bearing some kind of gift, I have a boyfriend who loves me and is a commitment-phobe, I have parents that I see once, maybe twice or thrice a year, and a brother that I talk to about as frequently, I have an ex who is dying, whether from malaria or HIV is unclear, and I myse... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493574 Wed, 28 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493574 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493575&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Finspired.html I've been neglecting the blog, the gym, my hair, reading, all because of work. But on the bright side, it'll be over and done with somehow (but how?!) less than a month from now, not work itself of course but this immensly stressful period. I know I should go see P's family again when I am there, find the time, bring them something. It will be harder now because of the heat, less hiding possiblities.I have thrush. That sucks and maybe is too much information but since it impacts my mood I thought I would write it here. Today I have been working on the presentation, not trying it out, just writing the damn thing ('think "I have the opportunity to do this", "I get to do this"; change your terminology and that will change your attitude') jogging and meditating, did a bit of yoga, and all the ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493575 Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493575 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493576&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fhelp.html Swish, squish, thump, thump, drag, bang, whizz, hum, slam, crunch... and so on and on till infinity. I am not talking about the daily grind of my life but about the two (nice, polite, friendly, clean-cut) young women that live above me. Before them there was a guy and I hardly ever heard him, but now, when they are not walking, rearrenging furtiture, sweeping, and incredibly! vaccuming daily, then they simply are not home. What a pair of buttaches, and the thing is, they are nice (I know, I already asked them to stop moving the heavy sliding door that they placed between the dining and living room and feel a need to move 20 times an hour right over my head when I am sitting at the computer. It's amzing how much unnecessary movement and action two young women can generate. Why can't they si... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493576 Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493576 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493577&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F02%2Fits-been-too-long.html Life is rushing past, actually not like whitewater but like a slow deep river, the Mekong maybe, which looks swimable, but once you lower yourself into it it's really hard to get back to shore, and when you do you are way downstream already.I went through one presentation of my work which went well, although I was nervous and felt unprofessional, but I just talked like a child in front of a class (or a teacher...). Now the big one is coming up, I have to go alone to another country (guess which) and stand in front of who knows how many people, podium, mike and all. At least my bulging thighs and portruding tummy will hopefully be hidden when I am in that setting. I am nervous, and there is still a month to go. I am also working on a report of my work to hand to my bosses. Again, nerves, co... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493577 Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493577 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493578&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fbuilding-up-to-climax.html I got through this week with what feels like a 1/3 of the normal amount of sleep but was probabaly something like 1/2. I can and do blame Stokrin, but I know that it only interacts with me insofar as I am stressed, mentaly unstable, or whatever term for looney you want to pick. Having said that, Stocrin has been known to drive patients to a psychotic or near-psychotic state, and this is not just an internet anecdote but something every honest professional working with it (like T., my beloved social worker) will be able to tell.This week, I asked P., who returned into my beckoning arms, to move in with me. There was always the side of me that hoped that a guy might actually pursue me, and some have, but somehow the few that I have ever really been enamoured with had to be coaxed and prodded... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493578 Sun, 14 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493578 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493579&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fdrowning-in-mud.html I have been having an awful time of it at nights. All my anxieties, all the white noise of paranoia and fear tunes in at night so that I can choose between several readily available points on the dial, the "how did I get infected" channel; the blind anger station, directed at whoever mis-crossed me that day (admittedly some pretty fucking annoying twats cross my [online] path on Israely web forums), the "oh God I have infected/will infect P, these doctors don't know what they are talking about" channel, the "early menaupause, no children, die alone" channel, the parents' channels (broadcasting mainly dread of Alzheimer's and heart attack, immense guilt and horror, homesickness), the Israel channel (featuring my parents being tormented by the State, me being tormented by the State, with no ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493579 Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493579 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493580&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F01%2Fresistence-resolve-resolution.html It's been 3 days since I returned from Spain. At first I had a bit of a reverse culture shock (or was it weather shock?), but now I am getting back to myself, whatever that means.Spain was wonderful, and hard. It exceeded my positive expectations and challenged my negative ones. I mean, I had no social trouble whatsoever, au contraire. I was treated extremely well, and I couldn't have been made to feel more welcome by any of P's family members or friends. P himself was teriffic, and stuck by me through thick and thin. But I did have myself to put up with, and I suffered moods and fears and even nightmares, as well as sleepless nights and constipation. Nothing extreme, but I realized once more that - at least as long as my status remains a secret and stigmatization is not a threat - I am my... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493580 Sat, 06 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0100 493580 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493581&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F12%2Fso-this-is-christmas.html I turn the TV on and watch some Christmas Day mass in a pacific island catherdral, in which a Frech speaking bishop speaks to a white wearning, grass endowed Samoan looking crowd, who break out in beautiful native chanting in response. I have no idea where it is, maybe where Gaugin made his paintings, except that everyone is fat in a healthy round way. I hope it's not somewhere I am banned from entering, because I'd like to see it sometime, if it isn't like Fiji, Malasia (where I have been), Hawaii, who are three of the long list of countries that prohibit HIV+ from entering. Then the program ends and the Pope is on the screen, I assume in a Vatican square, preaching in Latin. It is so quiet outside, and has been increasingly so in the last days, that I spent alone here while everyone I kn... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493581 Mon, 25 Dec 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493581 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493584&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F12%2Fretrospective.html The year is coming to a close. The days are colder, but sunny, and global warming is evident. I have been more chaotic that usual, even for me, living always on the verge of what seems like collapse from over-emotion, fatigue, stress and confusion. But somehow I made it through the last weeks without major disasters and with some minor achievements, even if they are not glaringly obvious to anyone but me.A week from yesterday is the anniversary of my diagnosis, and a week from today I will be on a plane on my way to meet P's family in the South of Europe. I have been dead nervous about both events, building up scenarios, accumulating fears and restlessness. I have heard the voices in my head shierk a million times and in numerous ways how inadequate I am, how fat(er), sick(er), gross(er), ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493584 Mon, 18 Dec 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493584 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493583&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F12%2Fnot-perfect.html It's almost 2.00 and I can't asleep. I am in my apartment for a change and it seems ages since I have been here. Somehow my life has one again slipped out of my hands and bacame someone else's. My work, my romance, or whatever it is, my body is in the hands of something other than myself. I don't even know what to start with.In a week or so I will meet P.'s family and I feel so unready for that. I mean, I will not only meet them, but stay with them for 10 whole days. But I don't want to go anywhere. I gave myself one year, and the year is almost up. A lot has happened in this year, more than I can ever imagine, but right now, I feel the way I did in the beginning. It could all end right now. And that would be a relief. I am not saying that I am nowhere near anywhere so awful as I was last ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493583 Thu, 14 Dec 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493583 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493587&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fchanging-subject.html I have been meaning to write for a few days but it was the weekend. It's much easier to write when you do it every day, like excercise, because you lose the inertia. On the other hand, taking a step backwards gives more of a bird's eye view.I saw the psychologist again. It was very different this time. I told him how sick I got last time, and we discussed many things. I told him that even so, the last meeting had a positive impact, because I stoppped smoking. But then, in the last 2 days I did smoke a couple of cigarettes. Anyway it was less about the fags and more about the state of mind that allowed me to re-prioritize. I realized that as much as I do honestly want to go to Xxxx I have to put that now on hold, because that country won't admit me, won't acknowledge my existence as a poz, ... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493587 Mon, 27 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493587 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493589&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fso.html I don't write, I heard from a penpal that this blog is depressing, but I don't think so, I mean, it's hard for me to judge it objectively, I only know it helps me survive, when I get into the loop, when I isolate myself like I did today, staying in, confining myself to my apartment and the screen, mostly, trying to reach out but failing, trying to work but not quite managing.Sometimes I feel so out of touch with home, so far away. My mum called while I was trying to put together some mechanical task that would resemble some pretext of work, and I told her I was busy. I regretted it, but she was not online later. And my phone isn't working anymore, so I can't call her, just skype.It's cold in this lonely northern corner of the world, and night comes early, and every day I walk the same rout... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493589 Thu, 23 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493589 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493588&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fshes-incredible.html I haven't been this excited about a new musician for a long time:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD5sahXoj0Uhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ty0v-VVvKsU&mode=related&search=Amy%20Winehouse%20Rehabhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKYTpzrJtX4&search=Amy%20Winehouse%20Rehabeven more awsome live:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dec9pQUnmCchttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjHQV-SuqNE&mode=related&search=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdILAAWxY_0&mode=related&search= (Source: NotPerfectAtAll) NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493588 Thu, 23 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493588 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493590&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fthere-has-to-be-another-way.html I am tense, so tense, and I hardly slept. But why is that, and how much of it is caused by me (all maybe?) and preventable?I met P. last night, it was great, that's not the problem. I somehow don't want to write about that here, too intimate. I will just say it was wonderful, but somehow I closed it off in the "wonderful" compartment, and that does nothing at all to eliminate my fears. If anything, might make them worse. And I latch on to something (in this case, a miscommunication/misunderstanding with R. at work) and amplify them, but in fact, what kept me awake at night asides from P.'s snoring was terrible fears of the future. I didn't smoke. But we ate a lot of pizza. I vowed to change by my eating to more healthy/balanced, and lose weight. I vowed to work at my job. To do more sports... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493590 Tue, 21 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493590 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493591&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Ftoughing-it-out.html It's morning (though all the curtains are drawn and it is back to being damp and dark after a brief burst of spring-like global warming side effect), and though I feel guilty for not being at work/going back to the pile of papers on my desk, I let myself off the hook by acknowledging that I worked for a bit yesterday. P. comes back today. He's only been gone 4 days but it feels like ages. Not because I missed him every single minute (though I did, but in my heart of hearts I am not letting go - explanations below), but because, when I am pushed into spending "quality time" with myself, I go places so far and so lonely and so inexplicable it's very hard to imagine any sort of laidback regularity, which is - externally - the main characteristic of our relation.What did I do this weekend? mos... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493591 Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493591 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493594&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fand-you-have-to-be-perfect-because.html Letter:Hi,I also cook great food ;0)I have been bad at updating my blog. there is too much going on in my life to write. This week I will be away most of the week and busy with work. I have to stay in a hotel in a city near Amsterdam, and I consider this a trial run for my trip to Xxxx (almost the same right?). It is not only Xxxx, Xxxx doesn't allow even tourists with HIV to enter but many countries will not give residency or more to HIV+, that means that in about half the world I will not be accepted as a worker, student, or a wife of a local (whether positive or not). This includes Australia, Israel, USA and some EU countries too. Many countries will not accept a HIV test from another country but you have time make a new one from their own doctors. The difference with Xxxx is this inclu... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493594 Mon, 06 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493594 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493595&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2Fpanic.html I don't even remeber if I used this title once before in this blog or not, but I am absoluetly overwhelmed and brimming with emotion, fear, sadness ... you name it, I'm feeling it, and all at once. And nothing can get me out of it right now, not work or sport or sex or food or a cigarette, nothing. I don't know why this is happening. It's not the hormonal thing cos I am not PMSing, it's something beyond, an accumulation of the past months, years maybe, that is threatening to break through the dam.I slept OK, I was in this mood last night too after writing here and rushing out to meet E., my former teacher. We had a very hasty dinner, because I was supposed to meet two other people for The Devil Wears Prada. Even the movie, which couldn't have been any lighter and giddier, only reinforced m... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493595 Fri, 03 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493595 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=493596&cid=s_35267_135_f&fid=35267&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnotperfectatall.blogspot.com%2F2006%2F11%2F5-minutes.html I have 5 minutes, 5 min b4 I leave the bldg and hop out into the cold Nov night, to meet friends. What a hectic day, life, I am exauhsted, breathlessly jumping for one thing to another, unable to complete even 5 min of concentration, random, erratic.I know I should be taking better care but I fell off the wagon somehow, kind of like an addict, yeah, like Kiedis' whose bio I am about to finish on the stepper, gone are the days when I would be reading a book a week or much much more.Where am I? I am lost, apparently alone in the workplace, even though it's only 20.00, everyone is long gone, and if I didn't have an appointment downtown I'd be gone too.I am going crazy. Echt waar. I don't mean that I will need to be hospitalized or that I am becoming psycho, nope, but I am going nuts. Too many... NotPerfectAtAll blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=493596 Thu, 02 Nov 2006 05:00:00 +0100 493596