MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'Psychology Today Relationships Center' source. Mon, 15 Mar 2010 15:32:45 +0100 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3365217&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhappiness-in-world%2F201003%2Fhow-i-met-and-married-my-wife In 2002, my third-youngest brother and his wife announced they were going to have a baby. The news absolutely floored me. This would be the first baby of our generation and represented a significant life change for us all.I left their apartment that night thinking about life stages and transitions and found myself wondering why I wasn't married yet. <!--break--> I'd always felt I'd wanted to be and had certainly had a number of opportunities. But I'd passed them all up for one reason or another and at 34 remained single.Learning one of my younger brothers was going to be a father triggered something in me—a sense of urgency, a greater interest in moving my life forward, a need to shake things up—I'm not sure what. But the next morning I began a campaign to find my wife.In Nichire... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3365217 Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:05:10 +0100 3365217 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3365218&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201003%2Fand-the-award-goes A few years ago, I held my very own Oscar party. Well, OK, it really wasn't a party, as it consisted of my mother, sister and me watching the opening monologue, the handing out of the first few awards and then going to bed.<!--break-->But I did make cute little invitations and provided a very nice potato chip spread.So when we decided to do our usual Oscar routine this year, minus the invites and chips, I had a revelation as I sat in my living room enraptured by the glitz, glamour and gowns. It was a celebration of the grandest kind.In fact, the last few months have seen one celebration after another. A slew of awards shows passing out accolades to singers, movie stars and TV shows. The Grammy Awards. The Emmy Awards. The Golden Globes.Everyone, it seems, has been honored and bestowe... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3365218 Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:43:22 +0100 3365218 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3365219&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fcontemplating-divorce%2F201003%2Fare-you-caught-in-the-marital-indecision-cycle Every marriage - and every meaningful relationship, for that matter - has good times and not-so-good times. This is natural and normal. However, when you are questioning whether to remain in the relationship, these high and low cycles may be more profound. Not knowing the future of your marriage can feel as if you're riding on a roller coaster that you can never get off; there are endless ups and downs and loop-de-loops. Although there are periods of calm, they are few, far between and short lived.After meeting with hundreds of clients who were contemplating divorce, I began to notice many similarities and a very predictable path that these people were following. This marital indecision cycle, as I call it, can feel like imprisonment, even though all it would take to be free would be ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3365219 Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:53:39 +0100 3365219 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3365220&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fambigamy%2F201003%2Fraison-dentre-parable-about-the-origins-beauty I think I’ve finally figured out why the older we get the harder it is to start new lasting relationships. I can explain it by way of an old joke and a new parable.An old joke:A little girl, sitting on her grandpa’s lap asked “Did God make me?” “Yes,” said her grandpa.“And did God make you too?,” she asked.“Yes,” said her Grandpa.She reflected and said, “He’s getting better isn’t he?”A new parable:God was experimenting.  She had made many fine creatures. Her first were fully programmed at birth.  They were like robots.  She made large numbers of them because, being preprogrammed, they couldn’t adapt.  If they wandered into an environment where their programmed behavior didn’t work, they would die. As long as there were lots of them though... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3365220 Sun, 14 Mar 2010 16:03:27 +0100 3365220 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3363408&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fliving-single%2F201003%2Fthe-meaning-relationship-notes-party Yesterday, I listened to an eminent relationship scholar talk about the research he has been conducting for decades. It is great work, and the talk was impressive. Except for one thing: When he talked about "relationships," he was actually referring to just one kind of relationship - a romantic one.In our everyday conversations, we often use the word "relationship" in that one specific way. So when you ask someone whether they are in a relationship, they will answer "no" as long as they are not in a coupled relationship."Relationship," though is a great big word. It covers all sorts of human connections, including ties to friends, parents, children, siblings, other family members, coworkers, neighbors, mentors, and more.There is a lively academic field of personal relationships, complete w... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3363408 Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:58:03 +0100 3363408 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3363409&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsmell-life%2F201003%2Fscent-woman Above and beyond looks and bank account size, women rank how a man smells as the number one determinant for whether she'll be sexually attracted to him. Moreover, what men each woman finds most sexy smelling varies widely and is tied to immune system genetics. Everyone (except identical twins) has a genetically unique immune system, and the specific genetic fingerprint of your immune system is outwardly represented by your body odor. Research shows that naturally cycling women prefer the body-odor of men whose immune system genes are relatively different from their own. This "opposites attract" phenomenon is what evolutionary matchmaking aims for, as it is adaptive for fecundity, infant survival and reproductive success.When it comes to men, the story has been that how a woman looks-her h... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3363409 Sat, 13 Mar 2010 18:49:14 +0100 3363409 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3363410&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Femotional-fitness%2F201003%2Fmodern-mating-and-the-primitive-mind Despite the advent of Internet dating, high-tech profiling, and no shortage of wannabe yentas, finding a modern mate is more of a challenge today than ever before. We have to sift through so much more information than our grandparents did. Still, finding the right match is often guided by very old instincts.We are products of the generations that have come before us, and, like it or not, our parents' stories influence our choices. If you grew up in a perfect house and your family valued an orderly life and things of beauty, you are likely to be attracted to someone who has similar taste.We are also greatly influenced by the media. What society perceives as "hot" or not has its effect on us, and even if we think someone is a good person and might make a great parent and partner, we may actu... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3363410 Sat, 13 Mar 2010 18:29:14 +0100 3363410 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3361303&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fin-the-name-love%2F201003%2Fsearching-your-ex-lover-the-value-nostalgia "Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same." Flavia Weedn Alongside with the increasing rate of divorce and separation in modern society, we are witnessing a greater tendency to search for ex-lovers. Is such a search able to rekindle past loves and make them continue longer? The answer seems to be positive. At the basis of such searches are two reasons, a substantial one and a technical one. The substantial reason is related to the value of nostalgia of which idealization of the past is an essential element. The technical reason refers to the fact that it is now easier to track down these ex-lovers and communicate with them.Nostalgia can be characterized as a wistful sentimental longing for the past, often in an idealized form. The te... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3361303 Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:46:21 +0100 3361303 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3361304&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhold-me-tight%2F201003%2Fmonogamy-are-we-can-we-be-monogamous When I ask this question, people look at me with surprise and answer derisively. My friend mutters, "It's about time we gave up on that one! It's a myth." A colleague from Europe tells me, "Oh, no-one is getting married these days. They are just so discouraged. What is the point? Monogamy is unrealistic, impossible." So when I am asked this very question by a television host, I take a very deep breath before I answer, "YES. I think we are naturally monogamous." You can hear jaws dropping everywhere. Cynicism wins hands down. And yet we still glory in the ideal of monogamy. We spend fortunes on whiter than white weddings and act much of the time like the 90% of teenagers in a recent study, who affirm that they hope to marry and remain with the same partner till death do them part! Are we de... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3361304 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 22:50:02 +0100 3361304 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3361305&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-white-knight-syndrome%2F201003%2Frescuing-yourself-rescuing-relationships-3-coping-aftereffects Thinking about your failed relationship is similar to replaying scenes from a movie in your mind. Replaying the scenes from the good times in your relationship can lead you to continue grieving or to grieve anew for what you no longer have. Your ruminations about the failed relationship can take on an obsessive quality, as though your thoughts and the feelings that stir within you are beyond your control.At other times, you may focus on scenes that anger and disturb you, which block the good but painful memories and provide temporary relief because you are no longer involved. However, thinking about the horrible scenes from your failed relationship may cause strong negative emotions to come forth, impinging on your ability to enjoy life.Why is it so hard to change your mood and stop thinki... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3361305 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 21:20:50 +0100 3361305 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3361306&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fmy-mother-my-father-my-money%2F201003%2Fmiss-him-yet Stanley Fish in this week's NY Times says "I told you so." A little more than a year ago, he warned readers that despite ultra-high levels of negativity toward then-president Bush, within one year of his departure, people will start to miss him. Sure enough, there are signs that his prediction has born out. He quotes a number of unscientific studies on the internet that assert that more miss him than don't. In fact, in one area of the country, Minnesota, a billboard recently appeared on the interstate with a big picture of former President Bush smiling congenially "Miss me yet?" Whether or not Fish is right, it gives one pause. Why do we miss the people we once claimed to hate -- after they leave, and why do we grow to hate the one that stays? For example, a close relative of mine tells me... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3361306 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:58:54 +0100 3361306 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3361307&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fshut-and-listen%2F201003%2Fooh-baby-yes-why-we-make-noise-during-sex-part-one "Oooh, baby! Yes! That's right! Ooooh, YES!"I travel a lot for research and often stay in hotels that are old or shabbily built so I am used to hearing yowls of passion coming through thin walls from the room nextdoor. I really, really hate those sounds. Mostly it's because I'm jealous: for work I travel by myself, and I get lonely, and wish my spouse were beside me so we could be the ones whooping and hollering instead of my having to listen to other people making love.Partly, though, I don't like suffering forced intimacy with people I've never seen, let alone met. Sex is fine and serious when you're the one having it, but observed from the outside, you've got to admit, it's bizarre-even ridiculous. Think of "doggy style," think of what most people look like in that position: unfit, slig... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3361307 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:27:50 +0100 3361307 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3356952&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201003%2Fliving-in-sin-after-50-part-iii This is is the third and last installment on living together. In less than 10 years, the number of people over 50 that are living together has just about doubled to more than two million . As I mentioned in my previous blogs, for older singles that have already had children or been through a divorce, moving in together is often their final goal. They are interested in companionship and not in building a whole new family life. Is sharing digs a good move for these singles? Will it help or hurt the development of a deeper dedication and caring in the couple? Before we answer that, let me share a story: Janeen, a 51-year old glam event planner met Julio at her local AA meeting in Greenwich Village. Julio was a 53-year old dead ringer for the singer Marc Anthony, definitely not the Nordic type... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3356952 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:37:32 +0100 3356952 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3356953&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fpathological-relationships%2F201003%2Fthe-gift-fearthe-curse-anxiety Women who have been in pathological relationships come away from the relationships with problems associated with fear, worry, and anxiety. This is often related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or what we call 'High Harm Avoidance'-- being on high alert looking for ways she might get harmed now or in the future.PTSD, by its own nature as a disorder, is an anxiety disorder that is preoccupied by both the past (flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of him or events) and by the future (worry about future events, trying to anticipate his behaviors, etc.). With long term exposure to PTSD, this anxiety and worry begins to mask itself, at least in her mind, as 'fear.' In fact, most women lump together the sensations of anxiety, worry, and fear into one feeling and don't differientiate them.Fe... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3356953 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:02:34 +0100 3356953 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352583&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fall-about-addiction%2F201003%2Fweeding-out-your-significant-other-the-effect-marijuana-relationship Being young involves quite a bit of exciting change. There's the end of high-school, the start of college and some measure of independence, and a whole slew of new experiences.A recent study conducted by Judith Brooks at NYU School of Medicine has revealed that one of those experiences, smoking marijuana (weed) may be associated with more relationship conflict later in life. What's amazing about this study is that the drug use here occurred earlier in life for most of the 534 participants, while the relationship trouble was assessed around their mid- to late-twenties.Could other factors explain this finding?!Now you may be thinking to yourself that there are a whole lot of other aspects of a person's life that can affect their relationship quality and their probability of smoking weed in a... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352583 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:46:00 +0100 3352583 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352584&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201003%2Fmarriages-dont-need-referee Remember the television show, "Seinfeld?" Like you, we laughed ourselves silly over the antics of the show. It was funny and full of uproarious one-liners. When Jerry Seinfeld decided to promote the idea of a new show called "The Marriage Ref," he and everyone else surely imagined that it would be a hit. Why would anyone expect anything different?But now, reality is up against the truth. And the simple truth is this - marital problems aren't funny to the couples going through the trials and tribulations of the various marital challenges all marriages go through. Poking fun at married couples in a public way it seems is not very funny, and not very helpful in either the short or long term.The first arrow-in-the-heart of the show is this - you do not learn about successful marriage by highli... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352584 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:55:24 +0100 3352584 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352585&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201003%2F10-reasons-thank-your-bad-boyfriend We've all had The Bad Boyfriend. He's the one  you knew you had to leave. In order to get on with life, we need to put him in perspective. Part of that is acknowledging those things for which we should be grateful to him.That isn't easy to do.I decided to help.Here Are Gina's 10 Reasons To Thank Your Bad Boyfriend1. He taught you that "boredom" is an anagram of "bedroom";2. He helped you understand the importance of staying away from guys who play the opening chords to "Smoke on the Water" ALL THE TIME, even when they are way past the bassist stage;3. He helped you understand that for some men the phrase "sowing wild oats" actually means "always having a blonde bent over a coffee table";4. You learned from him that there are insignificant others as well as significant others;5. From h... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352585 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:43:08 +0100 3352585 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352586&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffriend-or-foe%2F201003%2Fthe-always-late-friend It is an almost universal sentiment that the chronically late friend can irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient.Women, in particular, are guilty as charged, or rattled by this kind of friend if they themselves are always on time. Some try to combat the unpunctual friend's habit by lying about the appointed hour to meet, others beseech the friend to not be late "just this once," and still others swear off someone who is constantly disrespectful, only to rescind such a plan. Certainly it wears you down, regardless of how close the friendship is, and often times, one ends up not choosing to invite this friend because of her tardiness. While this is an attempt to mitigate circumstances, what these women aren't willing to do, is take a real stand.This means that in spite of ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352586 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:28:18 +0100 3352586 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352587&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fnew-rules-stepfamilies%2F201003%2Fi-cant-stand-my-stepkids Dear Dr. Coleman,What do you do when you don't like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They're disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I'm sure that's coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don't like them as people. They'll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that's 5 years too long. How do I survive?Dear Reader,This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:* Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don't like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they're going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don't spring eternal for their husband's kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard o... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352587 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:21:58 +0100 3352587 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352588&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fstepmonster%2F201003%2Fmarital-therapist-the-marriage-ref-my-worst-nightmare Guest Post by therapist Mary Kelly-Williams, MA of www.marriedwithbaggage.com"The Marriage Ref" made its debut on NBC last week. This latest reality show takes marriage to a new low. "Real couples" bring an issue they've been arguing about and celebrity "judges" decide which one is right.It's like a marital boxing match without the gloves. One of the spouses is declared the winner. While the show is surprisingly witty and entertaining, I couldn't help but think of the couples I've worked with in my private practice and of my own marriage.Years ago, my husband and I went to a nationally known marital therapist. Part of my agenda in going to the counseling was so my husband could find out how wrong he was and how RIGHT I was.It didn't take long for us to get into the back and forth accusatio... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352588 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:32:11 +0100 3352588 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3352589&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201003%2Fwords-wisdom-wednesday-seven-years-later My father committed suicide 7 years ago today. I wanted to mark the day, and since you've already read about my journey as a daughter, I give you my mother's journey - in her own words. My parents were married for almost 25 years, and were the happiest and most-in-love couple I've ever met. Here is her story...<!--break-->Suicide Survivor. When I first heard that term, it totally confused me. I couldn't figure out how anyone could "survive" a suicide. Of course, I was under the incorrect assumption that it was their own suicide they were surviving, not someone else's.Then came March 10, 2003, the day I joined the ranks of the suicide survivors. It's fitting that Melissa asked me to write this today, on the 7th anniversary of my husband's death.My husband, Brian Blake, was diagnosed w... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3352589 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:55:54 +0100 3352589 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348870&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-bytes%2F201003%2Fhow-many-psychologists-does-it-take-change-lightbulb There's an old joke in Psychology that goes like this: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. I know a young woman named Jeanne who had finally had enough of her disappointing husband.  One day she waited for him to leave for work, and then she took their 2 small children to her mother’s house for a bitch session.  She poured out her heart.  Her mother listened patiently.  Finally Jeanne finished her tirade with: “I’ve had enough.  I’m leaving.” Jeanne’s mother was a wise woman.  She proceeded to give her daughter a sheet of paper and suggested that she divide it in half with a line drawn down the middle from top to bottom.  She then told Jeanne: “I’ll take the ch... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348870 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:18:20 +0100 3348870 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348871&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fpassive-aggressive-diaries%2F201003%2Fsocialized-good-when-you-are-taught-expressing-anger-is-bad This Passive Aggressive Diaries blog posting is Part Three of the four-part series on why individuals behave passive aggressively. In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools and Workplaces, 2nd edition, we identify these primary triggers of passive aggression: 1. Situational response to adult demands2. Developmental stage3. Characteristic of a cultural norm or ethnic group4. A way of life In the previous Passive Aggressive Diaries blog posts, I described passive aggression as a situational response to everyday requests and as a predictable part of child and adolescent development. Here, I will describe passive aggressive behavior as a characteristic of a cultural norm or ethnic group.As a reminder, in this series of blog postings about the four r... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348871 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:42:04 +0100 3348871 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348874&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-healing-arts%2F201003%2Fcool-art-therapy-intervention-7-creating-together "Creating together" is not so much a specific art therapy intervention, but is simply the therapeutic use of art making within group formats. There is a distinctive kind of creative energy generated when people work together to create art. Call it synergy or collective flow. But whatever ever you call it, it's an experience that has the potential to change our perceptions of who we are and shows us how to get by with a little creative help from our friends. While art making is often defined as a solitary pursuit, creating with others or in the presence of others taps the curative factors beyond those that can be found within oneself. That is why this popular art therapy approach is Cool Art Therapy Intervention #7.Group art therapy is one form of "creating together." It generally focuses o... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348874 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:33:03 +0100 3348874 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348872&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fplus2sd%2F201003%2Fthe-rainbow-bridge I put my best friend to sleep last night. Newton was a pug. He wasn't the prettiest, and certainly not the friendliest of dogs. Most of his teeth had rotted away from a lifetime of mouth breathing. And in his last few months he was paralyzed from the waist down. Even so, he would still charge the mailman, who strangely was not amused by the threat of being gummed by a smelly, apple-headed pug in a wheelchair.I knew this day was coming. But it didn't lessen the impact or the hole in my heart he has left. As I laid Newton in his grave, he gave one last snort. I know it was the remaining air in his lungs being expelled, but I like to think it was his soul crossing the Rainbow Bridge, which both gives me comfort and makes me intensely sad. I will miss you my friend...The Rainbow Bridge(Author... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348872 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:03:20 +0100 3348872 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348873&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flooking-in-the-cultural-mirror%2F201003%2Fcaucasian What should white folks be called? Well intentioned people, who want to avoid giving offence, or who want to appear erudite or scientific, often say Caucasian. It is a big word, which gets additional authority from being capitalized. Caucasian is all over the internet. I came across the word in products to "dread Caucasian hair"; Caucasian, The New Minority T-shirts; and Caucasian flesh-tone paints. The largest category is children's toys. These include a Caucasian Barbie and a variety of other name brand and handmade dolls representing ages from infancy through adulthood with all kinds of shoes, brushes, purses, and other accessories for the Caucasian dolls, and even a dollhouse for a Caucasian family. People seem to think that Caucasian is a modern scientific term. It was actually coined... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348873 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:54:03 +0100 3348873 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348875&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201003%2Fis-living-together-the-answer-or-the-kiss-death-relationship-part-2 In Part I we looked at the transformed social landscape, a place in which the numbers of folks living together had surpassed those who were married. Then I shared the story of Shelley & Jared, two 30- somethings that had decided to live together. Like other couples, Shelley and Jared thought that living together might be a good way to test drive the relationship and besides it was far more economical. We asked readers to guess how it would turn out.To help figure this out, let's look at what research on living together might tell us. Well, most studies done from 1995 forward showed that couples that lived together before marriage had higher divorce rates as compared with couples that didn't. Other findings included poorer mental and physical health, including depression, especially for... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348875 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:56:16 +0100 3348875 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348876&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Freal-men-dont-write-blogs%2F201003%2Fi-love-you-youre-impossible One of the great paradoxes of life is that conflict occurs most frequently between people who love each other: Husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings and siblings. It is in these relationships that we are most likely to find people fighting.              I am going to focus here on marriage, spending a little time on why couples fight, and then making a few suggestions as to how they might avoid having these fights escalate into all-out marital warfare. I'm not going to show this to my wife, because she'll probably criticize what I've written, since she doesn't really appreciate me, even after all I've done for her!             Anyhow, why do husbands and wives fig... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348876 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:39:06 +0100 3348876 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348877&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsecond-act%2F201003%2Fwhy-money-can-buy-you-happiness Months ago the New York Times ran a piece about the Stefanski family, who recently splurged on a boat instead of putting away money for the kids' college funds. The father rationalized the decision by viewing the boat as an investment in their relationships. It was a way to bond with his wife and their two sons, who would soon be off to college. Having lost both his mother and grandmother suddenly, Mr. Stefanski felt life was short.  “When you look at life from that perspective, it’s about creating memories,” he told the New York Times. “Because the good moments can be fleeting and they can be peppered with other experiences that you don’t want to be as memorable.”I read the article thinking it was pretty ridiculous to spend $55,000 for some family togethern... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348877 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:19:21 +0100 3348877 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348878&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201003%2Ftouching-is-morse-code-love We have been married for 43 years and simply can't keep our hands off of each other! For many years, we thought we were unique. Then we started our research for our book, and did we get a big surprise -- virtually every happily married coupled we interviewed reported the same condition! Over time we have come to call it the "tactile response." Literally translated, it means, "I touch you here, I touch you there, I touch you everywhere!"During our interviews with married couples on six continents of the world we paid a lot of attention to their tactile interactions. More often than not, they sit on the couch during the interview and hold hands or place some part of their body on their mate's body. It is their way of saying "I love you so much I simply must touch you." So why all of this tou... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348878 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:23:14 +0100 3348878 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3348879&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fentrepreneurs-adhd%2F201003%2Ffind-your-knight-in-shining-armor-or-better-yet-help-him-find-you-fiv Recently a client came into my office asking, “Where are all the men?” At age 32 and well in to her career, she has found it increasingly difficult to meet men over the last few years, and is now wondering where she will meet her knight-in-shining-armor.   As we brainstormed about different strategies she might use and places she might go, I thought of several female friends who always seem to meet more men than they could ever date.  Shavannia Williams, who runs a blog called “Heels & Helmets,” instantly came to mind.  Her blog and workshops cater to women who are interested in learning more about how to connect with men through sports. So, I called Shavannia and asked her for her thoughts on where my clients might go to meet men.  As we talked, she ex... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3348879 Sun, 07 Mar 2010 19:32:49 +0100 3348879 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3339329&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsex-murder-and-the-meaning-life%2F201003%2Fyoung-girls-and-seductive-older-man An Education is based on the real-life story of a romance between a 16-year-old girl and an older man. It deals in depth of several of the classical romantic themes -- relationships between older men and younger women, men's proclivities toward seduction, infidelity, and the occasional betrayal of trust in romantic relationships. These are the facets of human nature that evolutionary psychologists have explored too deeply for some tastes, but that continue to fascinate and bemuse most of us. Relationships between older men and older women, for example, are universal across human societies, and almost completely misunderstood by social scientists for most of the 20th century (see Kenrick & Keefe, 1992).An Education is also concerned with Getting Ahead, and with the trade-offs between di... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3339329 Sun, 07 Mar 2010 07:07:54 +0100 3339329 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3339330&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-dance-connection%2F201003%2Fthe-truth-about-open-marriage Some couples want their sexual freedom, but don't want their relationship freighted with the lies, secrets and ongoing deceptions that affairs require. In some cases, a contract for an open marriage is negotiated and agreed upon.For example, one couple I saw in therapy had a "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy. They promised each other that they would only have sex one time with outside parties to avoid emotional entanglements--a promise that struck me as easy to break, given the agreed-upon silence surrounding their encounters and the fact that the emotional consequences of sex are impossible to anticipate. Plus, even otherwise honest people lie about sex.Another couple had a "Tell all" policy with no holds barred. Another brought new sexual partners into the marital bed.Last week, a sexually ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3339330 Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:05:41 +0100 3339330 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337222&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fin-the-name-love%2F201003%2Fdarling-do-you-want-me-be-stable-or-unstable "I feel the earth move under my feet,I feel the sky tumbling down,I feel my heart start to trembling,Whenever you're around." Carole King People want their romantic relationships to be stable; they want their profound love to remain constant at its initial profound level. However, people would also like their romantic love to be wild and unstable in the sense of unpredictable. They do not want to take each other for granted, like something inanimate that remains the same all the time; they want love to be wild and exciting. This may be termed "The paradox of stability." So do we want romantic stability or not? The paradox of stability can be considered by referring to two different meanings of stability: (a) enduring and firm; and (b) free from change or dynamic factors. The problem I want... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337222 Sat, 06 Mar 2010 03:53:53 +0100 3337222 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337223&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fconsequential-strangers%2F201003%2Fthe-truth-about-consquential-strangers Consequential strangers matter. We don’t always pay attention to the cumulative effects of a warm hello, help with a package, a bit of information.  But when someone you once took for granted is no longer there--you realize how those, brief, subtle, everyday interactions add up.  Manhattan psychologist Mindy Greenberg wrote about such a realization in her must-read piece, My Building’s Protocol, Altered in a Flash.    In Greenberg’s social convoy (as in all of ours), are people who ride along with her as she makes her way down the road of life–individuals and clusters of people from a particular realm, such as the office or, in this case, the apartment building where Mindy and her family live.  She writes about “Little  Louie,” her 58-year-old... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337223 Sat, 06 Mar 2010 01:49:22 +0100 3337223 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337224&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201003%2Fso-should-we-live-together-part-i Once upon a time, all the way back in the 50s, there was only marriage and sin. And then came the 60s and 70s and alternative lifestyles popped up all over the place. Most especially couples simply living together. Since then marriage rates have declined while couples living together has gone up tenfold1. Cohabitating has morphed into a virtue in the eyes of most Americans. In fact, for the first time in U.S. history more couples are living together compared to those who are married and this trend is continuing. About a quarter of unmarried women age 25 to 39 are living with a partner. And about 53% of all first marriages were preceded by living together2.More and more couples are simply packing up their things, moving in and sharing digs. They say it's because they want to try things out... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337224 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:33:21 +0100 3337224 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337225&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fraising-grieving-children%2F201003%2Fhaiti-raising-grieving-children I try to follow many of the articles in the daily press about what is happening in Haiti. Television provides us with graphic images of the destruction and living conditions of the survivors. What I find especially interesting is the number of children who are orphaned; they are left without relatives and many of them may be too young to even know who they are. The numbers are large and the resources are very limited in terms of providing these children with even minimum care. There are orphanages but they too are overwhelmed. Their resources are being taxed in ways they could not imagine or plan for. This blog is about raising grieving children based on the book I wrote with Madelyn Kelly, A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children. But what do we do when there are no parents to raise... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337225 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:48:58 +0100 3337225 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337226&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdivorce-grownups%2F201003%2Fsome-thoughts-about-intimacy-and-couples-conflict Some Thoughts about Intimacy and Conflict ResolutionFor the past three years I have been developing and delivering training materials to teach people how to better manage difficult discussions and confrontations. These programs have been successfully delivered in corporate and governmental settings. Recently I have turned my attention to teaching married couples the same skill set. Having mediated thousands of divorces it has occurred to me that if many of the couples I had helped divorce had learned better conflict resolution skills, many of those marriages might have been successful. But as I have developed this program and reviewed the many books on the market about couples and conflict one fact that has emerged is that intimate couples require a very different approach to conflict reso... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337226 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:16:34 +0100 3337226 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337227&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fover-simulated%2F201003%2Fthe-dumb-psychology-chatroulettes-in-your-face-design Chat roulette is a terrific idea for a web-site. Spin the wheel, meet a stranger. Instant intimacy, like an interesting seat-mate on a train or plane. Only the most curmudgeonly wouldn't occasionally want such chats with strangers from someplace else.But "ChatRoulette," the current web-fad grabbing headlines, as well as Jon Stewart's satiric attention? Well, sad to say,the site is really dumb. It's only saving grace, besides serving as fodder for Stewart's hilarious bit, is that the site is dumb in psychologically interesting ways.My colleague Kashmir Hill from over at True/Slant spent a weekend on ChatRoulette "so you don't have to." While she's now a "big fan" I found it pretty flat and disappointing. Sure, my time there was briefly amusing, but only briefly; I must say the sit... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337227 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:53:59 +0100 3337227 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337228&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Freel-life%2F201003%2Flonely-hearts When Scarlett shakes her fist at God vowing never to be hungry again ("No, nor any of my folk") she is alone in the ashes of Tara. The rest of the audience rolls their eyes but Southerners cry on cue: We share a legacy of humiliation, choking on sentiment, drowning in lost causes. We are the national losers; Faulkner never let us forget it. Our shame holds us together. Only New Orleaneans, Haitians and country singers can outdo us in defeatedness: ("I was drunk the day my Ma got out of prison.")We watch the newly homeless survivors of the horrifying Haitian earthquake, walking the streets lost and dispirited until they spot one another in the ruins of the crumbled sand huts. From time to time, the shell-shocked faces seem to come to life, as they almost giddily feel connected with those wh... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337228 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:20:33 +0100 3337228 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333623&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fscience-small-talk%2F201003%2Fjust-i-expected The experts approached the teachers at the Oak School with an offer that seemed too good to be true.Our new diagnostic test will identify the hidden gems in each of your classrooms, they said. We'll find those students, they vowed, who haven't stood out intellectually to date, but sit perched on the precipice of a mental growth spurt. We'll tell you exactly which kids are poised to make academic breakthroughs this year.The name of the test they planned to administer was no less impressive than the results it promised: "The Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition." And it seemed to work wonders.By the end of the next year, the average 1st grader's IQ at the school had gone up 12 points. But those students identified as "late bloomers" by the test? They had shot up a remarkable 27 points. And,... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333623 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:40:28 +0100 3333623 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333629&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwe-in-power%2F201003%2Fvalues-why-it-is-be-and-not-be Values indicate at a very fundamental level what we are concerned about, what we strive for, and what we want to be affiliated with. Indeed, we tend to define ourselves by the values we hold. And because we attach great importance to our values, values largely influence our attitudes towards life and others. Put in a nutshell, it is thus safe to say that values guide us in our actions and serve as criteria to evaluate the actions of others.It is thus not surprising that the issue of values has also received considerable attention in organizational research, for instance, to determine which kind of employees would fit best with which kinds of organizations, or what the consequences are when leaders and their followers hold the same versus different values.My colleagues and I have undertaken... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333629 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 12:14:26 +0100 3333629 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3337229&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdomestic-intelligence%2F201003%2Fgrandparenting-positive-face-in-law-relationships The basis of family connection is no longer attributed to "blood" but to the emotional bonds that evolve in the context of humans' needs for care, companionship and continuity with close relatives. Some evolutionary psychologists argue that grandmothers played a key role in the development of early human societies. In ancient societies, there is evidence for a "grandmother effect" whereby mothers who had a mother still living, were more likely to see their own children survive to adulthood. When grandmothers lived long enough to care for their children's children, they provided an extra pair of hands for child care and food gathering, and passed on their accumulated parenting experience.In modern times, the grandmother effect translates into continued emotional and practical support. Grand... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3337229 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:34:22 +0100 3337229 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333627&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Femotional-fitness%2F201003%2Fafter-youve-divided-the-stuff-what-about-the-friends When a couple breaks up, there may be a division of property and money, and if there are children (or pets), there will be a custody arrangement as well. The final thing to be divvied up will be your mutual friends. This process can be unsettling for everyone involved.Most of the time, true friends try to remain neutral, and make no mistake, being in this position is tough and it can be burdensome on the friendship. The good ones won't want to take sides, and they can find it hard to listen to the breaking-up friend vent. It's simply uncomfortable to hear that kind of negativity about somebody you like.Look, when we go through something as painful as a breakup, we need to rally our forces around us. It is natural and it makes sense. Problems occur when a person tries to hijack mutual frien... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333627 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 04:56:47 +0100 3333627 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333624&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdivorced-children%2F201003%2Fparents-judge-jewish-or-catholic Newsweek magazine is one of many media outlets running a story on Joseph Reyes and Rebecca Shapiro. http://www.newsweek.com/id/234188 Reyes and Shapiro are divorced parents with a 3-year-old daughter. Mom is Jewish. Dad is Catholic. And therein lies the making of a dispute, a dispute that has become very public. Mom wants to raise her daughter in her Jewish faith. Mom has primary custody, which generally gives a parent the authority to make decisions about religious upbringing. Mom also says that Dad agreed to raise their little girl Jewish. After all, he converted to Judaism. Dad had a change of heart. He says he converted only to please his in-laws. Now he wants to expose daughter to his Catholic faith. A law student, Reyes deliberately violated a restraining order. Despite being ordered... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333624 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 01:54:15 +0100 3333624 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333625&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flets-connect%2F201003%2Fresponding-unconventional-behavior We often make automatic judgments of "symptomatic" behavior: delusions, far example, show that one is mentally ill. The theory of labeling/normalizing urges caution in making these judgments because of possible effects on social relationships and thereby on self. (Scheff 1999). There is a social-emotional component in interaction that can be managed independently of the content. Equal care is needed to avoid both labeling and enabling (ignoring behavior that should be corrected). An episode in a current film provides a vivid illustration.Currently those who are thought to be mentally ill are labeled with little consideration of the details of their situation Prescribers of psychotropic drugs have little incentive to sift through the case details (For a film that exaggerates this point, see... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333625 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:02:22 +0100 3333625 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333626&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwhen-youre-not-expecting%2F201003%2Fno-heterosexual-partner-its-called-social-factor-infertility As I considered what new "face of infertility" to focus on in today's blog, I decided to honor March 3, 2010, a historic day in Washington D.C. where couples waited in line for hours to apply for marriage licenses on the first day same sex unions became legal in the nation's capital. One rarely thinks of same sex couples as "infertile," but the absence of a heterosexual partner means that they must give careful and deliberate consideration to how to enlarge their families. "Social factor infertility" differs in some ways from a diagnosis of medical infertility, and couples facing either will share some familiar emotional territory.   The shared territory obviously includes the anxiety about whether one partner will be able to conceive, and what toll this effort will take on relationsh... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333626 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:46:18 +0100 3333626 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3333628&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fyou-say-more-you-think%2F201003%2Flove-lies-the-bachelor With the ceaseless scheming, conflict, and competition, reality shows attract and often encourage master manipulators. If a season of reality TV is nothing more than a semester-long object lesson in lying, Rozlyn Papa from this season of ABC's The Bachelor could teach a master class. For those unfamiliar with Ms. Papa's story, the 28 year-old model was booted from The Bachelor after her relationship with one of the show's producers was revealed. In the latest episode Rozlyn was brought back to confront her fellow contestants and the host, Chris Harrison. Though Rozlyn repeatedly rebuffed Chris's questions about the affair, her body language betrayed the truth. During the interview she unintentionally sent signals, both verbal and nonverbal, indicating she was lying. Verbal Cues Absolutes: ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3333628 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:16:30 +0100 3333628 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3329640&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fyour-wise-brain%2F201003%2Fhow-did-humans-become-empathic Empathy is unusual in the animal kingdom. So empathy must have had some major survival benefits for it to have evolved. What might those benefits have been?Empathy seems to have evolved in three major steps.First, among vertebrates, birds and mammals developed ways of rearing their young, plus forms of pair bonding - sometimes for life. This is very different from the pattern among fish and reptile species, most of which make their way in life alone. Pair bonding and rearing of young organisms increased their survival and was consequently selected for, driving the development of new mental capacities.As neuroscientists put it, the "computational requirements" of tuning into the signals of newborn little creatures, and of operating as a couple - a sparrow couple, a mountain lion couple, tha... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3329640 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:42:04 +0100 3329640 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3329637&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fovercoming-anger%2F201003%2Fis-anger-keeping-your-relationship-stuck-in-never-ending-pattern-argume Recently I was asked by a participant at a seminar I gave to define the most important thing for couples to identify if they are experiencing anger or conflict. Based on my 25 years of helping “angry” people move beyond their ire and into resolution of conflict, here goes.<!--break-->             First and foremost remember that anger is aroused by unmet expectations. If your expectations are realistic, given how your partner has acted in the past, then you have probably found a way to accept what is likely to happen again. If, however, you are expecting something that the other has rarely or never done up to now you are likely to be frustrated and angry again when met with unwanted behavior. So you are stuck in the firs... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3329637 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:29:29 +0100 3329637 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3329639&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201003%2Flove-and-marriage-and-the-chilean-people In 2006, we interviewed successfully married couples in the beautiful nation of Chile for our new book, Building a Love that Lasts. Needless to say, we are distraught over the devastation that is occurring there now due to the recent earthquake. The Chilean people are wonderful, kind, caring, generous, and passionate. We pray that those we interviewed are okay - that they are free from harm.Our interviews with them revealed a people who take seriously their vows of marriage. The Chilean people are very loving. They are passionate. They love Americans! And they love life.It is our profound hope that you will give lovingly to the Chilean cause. They are wonderful and amazing people and they deserve our support. Please keep the people of Chile in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!Simple thing... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3329639 Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:19:35 +0100 3329639 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3325430&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fshut-and-listen%2F201003%2Fthe-benefits-snowpocalypse The second "snowpocalypse" that hit the East Coast last week spawned so much media racket that it seems bizarre to associate that storm in any way with silence.Yet once the strong winds died down and the tree branches stopped snapping, the blizzard did bring silence, or rather, a variety of quiet that we have lost contact with in our manic, noisy lives.I was not in New York when that city got blitzed, but friends there say that in the deep of the night, with the snow falling hard and while the plows were elsewhere, the city was as silent as they'd ever known it to be.And I remember, as a young boy, struggling down the middle of Madison Avenue on a Sunday morning when fourteen inches of snow had fallen on Manhattan. The avenue was an eiderdown of snow, as pure and white as the Yukon.It was ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3325430 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 22:18:20 +0100 3325430 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3325429&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-wisdom-bees%2F201003%2Fdont-get-heat-balled Succession planning is one of the most important aspects of life in the honeybee colony. Since the hive cannot exist without a queen, the colony makes sure that they never go long without a productive leader in place.<!--break--> In a recent profile of the Dean of the Villanova School of Business, James Danko (in the March 1st issue of the Financial Times), Mr. Danko notes that the very advocates for sound succession planning, business schools, often search for years for new Deans. The position often is placed under indefinite interim control and ultimately filled by an incumbent from outside the ranks versus the inside. Apart from the irony of this situation and the extended periods in which business schools are sans leadership, Mr. Danko imparts a message of caution to any outsider... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3325429 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:26:07 +0100 3325429 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3325431&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fyour-zesty-self%2F201003%2Fincrease-self-esteem-and-relationship-satisfaction-yawning I know I say it over and over, but it still remains true: our self esteem is due, in part, to how well we are able to regulate our own feelings. And how well we regulate our own feelings affects our relationships. And the solidity of our relationships affects our self esteem. You can see there is one big cycle of influences.With that in mind, I'd like to pass along one of the breakthrough neurologic discoveries for enhancing inner calmness and self regulation. And that discovery is the practice of purposeful deep yawning.Do you think that when someone yawns they are bored or disinterested? Think again. Neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, M.D. and therapist Mark Robert Waldman write about the usefulness of yawning in How God changes Your Brain: Breakthrough Findings from a Leading Neuroscientist... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3325431 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:09:37 +0100 3325431 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3325432&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-bytes%2F201003%2Ftiger-woods-and-regret A recent USA Today survey of over 9,000 readers revealed that people are split on the sincerity of Tiger Woods’ public apology for his repeated marital infidelities.  Half thought his comments were “heartfelt and sincere,” while the remaining 50% felt that he was simply delivering “a canned speech.”  Personally, I come down on the side of the latter sentiments.  I have seen computers emit greater emotion than Tiger did during his apology. Don’t get me wrong --- it takes great courage to get up in front of a worldwide audience and express the sorts of things that Tiger Woods has admitted.  Very few of us will ever be asked to make such an apology --- so very few of us will ever know whether we have the courage to do so.  But that having been said…. &nb... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3325432 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:12:51 +0100 3325432 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3317465&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-favorite-child%2F201003%2Fhealing-isnt-always-pretty  Children who grew up as the unchallenged favorite child often struggle, as adults, with issues of intimacy. They continue to look for the person who will love them as much as their parent did - an impossible task. Their personalities, influenced by their favored child status, can undermine their abilities to successfully mitigate their void. In their attempts to fill this emptiness, they are vulnerable to looking to extracurricular sex partners and give little consideration to the consequences of their actions. They grow up not understanding that rules apply to them and give little thought to the feelings of others.Tiger Wood's recently publicized sexual exploits mirror that of many men, some famous and some not, who grew up as a favorite child. Having read The Favorite Child, a woma... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3317465 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:47:44 +0100 3317465 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3317466&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201003%2Fkeep-the-friendship-or-try-romance-conclusion He asked, expressionless, "You staying or going?" Once said, the texture of the air changed, a shift in the cogs of ourworking together, something unlocking and then quickly relocking inourselves. I reached over to put my hand on his and he covered it withboth his hands, raised it to his warm mouth and kissed me, on the insideof my palm, briefly. There was no better time to go.I knew, and he knew, I couldn't have been his girlfriend, couldn't havebeen softly sweet or constantly agreeable any more than I could havemade little quilted pillows or hit a brilliant backhand; I could not dothese things.My past was too filled with the tensions of choice to letmyself be thinned, like paint, in order to be applied more easily tohim. He couldn't have given up skiing and hockey, wouldn't have wantedto... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3317466 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:52:43 +0100 3317466 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3317467&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Freclaiming-childhood%2F201003%2Fthe-myth-racist-kids Teachers in Britain are obliged, under the Race Relations (Amendment) Act 2000, to record the number of racist incidents in their schools. This has resulted in the reporting of an estimated 250,000 such incidents, and race relations officials claim this is just the tip of the iceberg.Yet Adrian Hart, a community filmmaker and tutor, argues in The Myth of Racist Kids: Anti-Racist Policy and the Regulation of School Life that ‘the notion of racist kids is in large part a myth'. Hart became concerned about today's anti-bullying and anti-racist policies while working on a government-funded educational film about racism in schools.<!--break--> He writes: ‘I observed a strange and concerning phenomenon: in modern cosmopolitan Britain, where race is becoming less and less relevant, and ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3317467 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:52:47 +0100 3317467 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3317468&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fsex-are-men-really-only-after-one-thing-part-ii Are men really only after one thing? Well,  fMRI studies of men's brains show that 98% of the cerebral cortex is preoccupied with vivid sexual fantasies.1  Gotcha!!Seriously, what do we know about men's priorities? In Part I of this two-part series we looked at men's attitudes towards sex and quality of life.  We shared some very surprising data that came out of an eight country random survey of 27,839 men ages 20-752. Using a questionnaire called the Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES), the authors found men's attitudes towards two key areas, masculinity and quality of life, differed markedly from the cultural stereotypes of guys as shallow creatures who are driven primarily by lust.In the masculinity section of the study and across all countries, being see... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3317468 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 00:33:53 +0100 3317468 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3317469&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-friendship-doctor%2F201002%2Fcan-friend-who-is-green-envy-really-be-friend QUESTIONDear Irene:I am in my mid-thirties and have always made and had easy friendships. People really like me and I like them and being liked. All would be well except that I harbor a very strong and miserable envious streak. I cannot bear to see my friends be happy in their romantic relationships. This is the case no matter what my own romantic situation is at the time. It is no less painful for me to see them in love when I'm in a happy and loving relationship than it is when I am completely alone.The very fact that they have "someone" eats me up inside. I find reasons to fight with my friends or be overly critical. I give them advice designed specifically to screw up their relationships. But, because I have such a strong history of being a "good" friend, no one would ever suspect my r... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3317469 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 15:48:22 +0100 3317469 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3315728&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsex-dawn%2F201002%2Fevery-man-has-tiger-in-his-tank "You want to know the surest way that you can spot a 'sex addict?' He's got a penis."Bill MaherComedians aren't the only ones noting that the line between what people are calling "sex addiction" and normal male human libido is very fine, if not non-existent. I'm willing to grant that there's a problem if someone loses his job because he can't stop looking at porn, but I'm certainly not willing to grant that looking at porn constitutes cheating on one's spouse or is inherently indicative of some underlying pathology. I mean, where do we stop once we go wandering down that path? Is it cheating to think of someone else when masturbating? When making love with one's regular partner? When sound asleep, dreaming?"Last time I tried to make love to my wife, nothing was happening. I said to her, 'W... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3315728 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 14:27:37 +0100 3315728 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3315729&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201002%2Fget-married-and-avoid-stroke This study, like others we have reviewed recently, has left us wondering - what are the other benefits of successful marriage?The truth is, married couples are better off by almost any standard than people who are not married. The record will show that married couples have higher incomes individually, longer lives, better health, fewer alcohol-related problems, engage in less violence, and suffer from less poverty.So what about the benefits of a happy marriage for men beyond their lower risk of stroke? To begin with, happily married men live on average 9 years longer than single men! They are physically and emotionally healthier, and have much more stable employment histories. Successfully married men have more satisfying sexual relationships, get along better with their children, earn hi... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3315729 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:40:17 +0100 3315729 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3315730&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-in-limbo%2F201002%2Fmarry-him-when-are-you-settling "Marc" wants me to marry him. Even though he has so much of what I'm looking for, I just wish he had the sense of humor and sexiness of the guy I broke up with before him. I'm feeling tempted to say yes but I can't help wondering if I'd be settling. Then again I will be turning 34 next week and I think it's starting to affect my thinking. I don't know what to do!"A new book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough would suggest that this client "settle" for someone who satisfies her major needs but not her laundry list of wants. Author, Lori Gottleib, defines settling as freely choosing someone good enough to satisfy her revised criteria for what it takes to have a decent lifelong marriage - not a resignation to some unfulfilling fate. She also mourns the fact that she d... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3315730 Sat, 27 Feb 2010 16:50:41 +0100 3315730 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3313542&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fshould-you-sleep-your-friend-keep-the-friendship-or- We sang along to the songs on the radio so that we didn't have to speak. We didn't want to speak because anything we would have said as the white lines moved faster beneath the dark wheels we would have regretted later. It was simple between us, but that didn't mean it was easy. Like knotted string, confused desire complicates what is simpleAt the Canadian border we told the skeptical but lazy guard that we were visiting to look at graduate schools the next day, that we had interviews, that we were engaged. He didn't ask questions, which in away was too bad: the fiction we'd created was an alternative universe, a virtual relationship, a life we could have been living except for the fact that we weren't.We went looking for a place to eat, walking through the cold clear streets of brightly-l... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3313542 Sat, 27 Feb 2010 15:01:12 +0100 3313542 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3313543&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fenlightened-living%2F201002%2Fthe-perils-and-pitfalls-post-modern-romance A client of mine is frustrated. She is a self-proclaimed victim of the self-help discourse on dating and relationships. Together, we revealed a very simple strategy for addressing this sensibility that has turned out to be rather effective for her, and she suggested that I write about both the strategy (which was really no strategy at all), and the conversation that got us there.Beneath our thin veneer of civility, we are mammals. As such, we engage in all sorts of instinctual behaviors around potential mates. There is the way that a group of men, vying for a female's attention, will begin talking more loudly, yet still indirectly, when an attractive woman enters the room. There's the way that a woman will stand with her hips thrust forward when talking to a man in whom she is interested. ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3313543 Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:42:45 +0100 3313543 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3313545&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fanger-in-the-age-entitlement%2F201002%2Fmad-about-you-simple-and-complex-jealousy Simple jealousy starts as a feeling of discomfort at the prospect of losing reward or affection to someone else. In complex jealousy, the prospect of loss feels like unjustifiable self-diminishment; you become smaller and less valuable, because someone is manipulating or betraying you.Simple jealousy motivates reward/affection-seeking behavior - you try to be more cooperative, helpful, or loving, and that usually gets a positive response sufficient to alleviate the discomfort. Complex jealousy motivates attack, either overtly or in your head. It makes you devalue and try to control others, which invariably makes things worse.Simple jealousy first emerges in toddlerhood, typically when the child witnesses parents showing affection to each other or to another child. The toddler at first sque... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3313545 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:24:26 +0100 3313545 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3313544&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Femotional-fitness%2F201002%2Fgerms-and-their-relation-relationships It's no surprise to this self-proclaimed germ freak that, in the world of relationships, the "clean" factor weighs more than some may have thought. When Yahoo Personals and Clorox teamed up to do a survey about how cleanliness affects our love lives, they discovered some very interesting proclivities.- Almost one-third of respondents found that when it comes to selecting a partner, a person's domestic cleaning habits are very important, and bad habits can be a deal breaker.- More people would rather date a germ freak than a complete slob.- Six out of ten people consider cleaning compatibility to be as important as sharing common interests.- Over one-third of respondents said their dates had to be both neat and clean, and the vast majority felt that they had to be at least n... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3313544 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:46:48 +0100 3313544 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3309711&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fkeep-the-friendship-or-try-romance-part-iii-v It was late April, the day of the first big spring picnic before the real parties started at the end of the term. There was still some sneaky snow on the ground, in the shadows, but there were games, lakes, lunches, drinks, laughter, conversation, all making up for the cold. Friendly dogs buzzed knee- high like small planes, wheeling and spinning around people they had never met, confident of approval. The groomed and polished woods by the river sang with invented warmth, and as groups arrived the others made room, expanding into the shade or the sun. We arrived early, packing a picnic basket full of shareable goods: pate, wine, exotic cheeses, and British biscuits. My boyfriend and I each held one handle, carrying the burden between us. The other two arrived later with a cooler full of im... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3309711 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 04:16:56 +0100 3309711 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3309713&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-lessons%2F201002%2Fwhat-do-you-call-it-when-you-use-sex-fame Let's talk about the western world's mental health. Here is the situation that has me going.I was called the other day by a reporter who asked me if a specific woman's reaction to being caught in a sex scandal was: "normal". The facts I have been told are these: a staff member in a Seattle City Councilman's office was introduced to a famous English soccer star at a meeting in a hotel downtown. She was beautiful, and he was taken with her. He propositioned her, at some point she signed on for the program, and they spent a night having sex. Somewhere along the line, someone tipped off the press and the soccer star (married of course) panicked and called the young woman begging her not to divulge the secrets of their night together because of what it would do to his marriage. (I gather he had... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3309713 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:46:11 +0100 3309713 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3309714&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Firrational-expertise%2F201002%2Fwho-do-you-trust-and-why I can’t help myself. I trust Toyota. And Bill Clinton.(And, weirdly,  General Petreus — because I am unduly wowed by the Ph.D. from Princeton he has iced on his cake. In my mind, that kinda makes him a go-to guy.)Pro-Petreus is socially acceptable, at least amongst the warrior set. But why, why, am I still going to those other guys — the ones whose reputations are, shall we say, up for grabs? Why do I still smile up at Clinton (now that Hilary seems happy) and keep Toyota on my car shopping list —— despite the obvious, compelling evidence against them both. Be honest. I’m not alone in my Santa Claus faith. Bill’s popularity and Toyota’s sales appear to have some solid core which remains unshaken, perhaps even strengthened, by the number of times each has presented... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3309714 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:10:53 +0100 3309714 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3309712&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fin-the-trenches%2F201002%2Flessons-lap-dancer In this economy many people are unemployed and financially suffering. If you are a young woman trying to pay for college or are unemployed you may consider becoming a lap dancer. I can hear some of you saying, "Are you kidding? What kind of person are you to even suggest the possibility?" But, wait a minute before you jump to conclusions, what if being a lap dancer was used as a calculated stepping stone towards achieving your ultimate goal.As a graduate student, in the 1980's, I remember students paying for their tuition by dancing in cages on top of bars in hot pants and white go-go boots. They would study during the day and dance during the evening. But before you run to the nearest gentlemen's club for employment you should be aware that there are certain risks related to this job. Ge... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3309712 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:27:26 +0100 3309712 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304869&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201002%2Fdisabilities-the-dangers-first-impressions Living life and thriving with a physical disability, I think I've caught people off guard more than a few times. Some are surprised I'm not homebound, instead actually working and getting out in the world.And that got me thinking about those times in our lives that we let a relationship pass us by just because of a preconceived societal notion we've let develop in our heads.<!--break--> Why let yourself miss out on getting to know a great person based on a 30-second or a 45-second or a 60-second meeting? Aren't you really depriving yourself of something potentially awesome?For example, here are some first impressions I'm sure people have about me (and FYI, most of them are incorrect):I'm muteI have this weird tendency to be shy around people I don't know too well (I know; it's weird ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304869 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:37:00 +0100 3304869 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304870&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201002%2Fnicknames-are-private-code-love Over our 43 years of marriage we have met thousands of couples that deeply loved each other. We have interviewed many, many of them for our books on successful marriage. In nearly every case, they had an affectionate nickname for each other - a sort of private "code" for saying, "I love you."Some of the nicknames are ones you have probably heard many times before - "lovey-dovey," "sweetie-pie," "sugar," "snookie-poo," "honey," "darling," "sweetness," "sweetpea," "baby girl," "lover boy," "sunshine," "sugarplum," "baby-doll," "hey, handsome," "hey, beautiful," and so forth.Some of the nicknames are unusual and funny. Names like "Butch" in reference to a very petite wife seem unusual, but to her husband, it is an endearing term. "Snookems," in reference to a very manly-man does not compute w... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304870 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 02:54:00 +0100 3304870 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304871&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fpart-iii-sex-game-theory-more-wait-or-not-wait-is-the-question Game Theory, Biology, Psychology, Dating and SexIn this third article in a 3-part series, on sex, courtship and dating, we look at what game theory, biology and interpersonal psychology tell us about the benefits and costs of waiting to jump in bed with a prospective dating partner. To recap Parts I and II, game theory studies[i] by two male mathematicians Seymour and Sozou on dating, courtship and sex - suggest some good advice for women would be not to jump in bed with a new dating partner until they have accumulated more data to determine if he is a worthwhile candidate for dating and mating (in their words, a "good" man). And that men that are willing to wait for sex are viewed as better prospects for becoming good fathers than those who don't. Furthermore, that "good" men who do wait ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304871 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 02:26:20 +0100 3304871 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304872&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fkeep-the-friendship-or-try-romance-part-ii-v We didn't kiss. We didn't date. Did we want to? Maybe. Yes.But we weren't like that. We were friends.We liked each other, and looked forward to random meetings at the snack bar where we both worked. We were competitive, and each hoped the other would do very well but maybe not better, wincing slightly at being given an A- if the other received an A, and yet we were happy for each other's happinesses.We became better friends after he got a girlfriend at another college, oddly enough,  because now we were on a level playing field. I had a somebody else, he had somebody else, and now everything was fine.It made us feel safer.I smiled more deeply into his eyes, and he permitted himself the occasional compliment about my clothes or expression. Safe.His relationship made everything that muc... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304872 Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:18:44 +0100 3304872 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304873&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsomatic-psychology%2F201002%2Frecognizing-anger-internal-alarm-signal-pathway-forgiveness Learning to recognize and respond to our internal alarm signals—which assess every situation and inform us of appropriate reactions—helps us to let go of grudges and to forgive.<!--break-->A client of mine—let's call her Lauren—noticed herself getting upset about a comment her friend had made a day or so ago. Time had passed since the comment, and rehashing their conversation did not seem to be the right solution. She believed that her friend had no intention of hurting her, yet her anger would not subside. Lauren just wanted to forgive her friend and move on, but did not know how.Forgiveness is accepting what happened in the past and what someone did, not holding on or dwelling on it.Forgiveness does not mean denying important feelings such as anger or sadness. In fact, in o... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304873 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 23:49:25 +0100 3304873 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304874&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fovercoming-self-sabotage%2F201002%2Frumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong Imagine the following scenario: You're at work, the day seems to be going smoothly, and you're looking forward to a relaxing evening at home. Then, with 15 minutes left your boss approaches you and informs you that you really messed something up. You apologize and try to explain what happened, but all your boss tells you is that you need to get your act together. Everyone has to deal with situations like this and it would put most people in a bad mood. You have two options in how to deal with the situation: 1) Go home and enjoy the evening, leaving work problems at work, or 2) Let the problem eat away at you all evening and think about how unfair the world can be. Try to guess which the healthier response is. By letting the problem replay over and over in your mind you are engaging in a pr... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304874 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:53:54 +0100 3304874 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3304875&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fnew-chapter%2F201002%2Ftiger-woods-and-the-importance-amends When I found out Tiger Woods would offer a public apology last Friday, I wanted to hear it. I don't really care about his personal life, nor is it my responsibility to judge his sincerity. I was, however, interested because of my own experiences with amends.My most intense and comprehensive amends process happened when I went to an inpatient eating disorder facility. The program included a component that was loosely based on the 12-step principles. One of the eight weeks of treatment was called Family Week and focused around a Christian amends-making concept known as Truth in Love. I spent a considerable amount of time in the month and a half before Family Week preparing my amends. There was a lot I needed to share with my family.Not surprisingly, though, my disordered eating behavior wasn... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3304875 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:20:03 +0100 3304875 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3300455&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201002%2Fwords-wisdom-wednesday-inspiration-father-his-son Have you been following the amazing blog 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son by Walker Lamond? Some of my favorite recent Rules (he's up to Rule #425 now) include:*No one wants to watch you practice the guitar.*Don't linger in a doorway. In or out.*If you choose to go in drag, don't sell yourself short.*If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.*Don't jog shirtless.His blog served as the inspiration behind his latest book release, Rules for My Unborn Son. The book's description says it all...Boys need rules. One man's instructions for raising a thoughtful, adventurous, honest, hardworking, self-reliant, well-dressed, well-read, well-mannered young gentleman.Packed with a powerful punch that mixes the humorous with important life lessons, the book is a must-read for any paren... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3300455 Wed, 24 Feb 2010 13:38:31 +0100 3300455 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3300456&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdigital-pandemic%2F201002%2Ftime-digital-divorce How do we lessen our dependence on all things digital? Do we need to stop in our tracks and divorce ourselves from our beloved machines? Maybe a trial separation would do, or just separate vacations. Let's face it, we're becoming highly dependent on our computers, smart phones and e-mail messages. This dependence leads to obsessive behavior and even addiction. One man told me that his wife's computer is "the other man in the house."It's not just in the home. The average office worker sends and receives two hundred e-mails per day and spends almost 50 percent of his or her time dealing with these messages. And these messages aren't necessarily good ones. A study of 2,000 workers reveals a loss of 20 percent of production, and much of that while surfing the Internet.Personal e-mails reward u... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3300456 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:44:44 +0100 3300456 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3300457&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fnot-born-yesterday%2F201002%2Fchasing-ewan-mcgregor What to do if you are completely, irrationally and compulsively obsessed with someone or something? Write a book, of course! It was all Ewan McGregor's fault. I am a playwright, and had never thought of writing a book until five years ago, when I saw this handsome and talented young actor in London, playing the part of Sky Masterson in a revival of the musical "Guys and Dolls." It was a show I hadn't even planned to see, but a poster outside the theater drew me irresistibly in. As luck - or fate - would have it, there was one seat left, a box seat, and I threw down my credit card without another thought. The box was just above Stage Left. When Ewan McGregor sauntered in, wearing a three-piece white suit and a jaunty blue Fedora on the back of his head, he happened to glance up at the box w... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3300457 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:27:49 +0100 3300457 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3300458&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flooking-in-the-cultural-mirror%2F201002%2Fmodesty In olden days a glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking, But now, God knows, Anything goes.(Cole Porter, 1934) Over the years, as hemlines rise and fall--some say with the stock market--everyone has an opinion. Two prominent ones are: displaying more of the body means more sexual freedom and that is good; and displaying more of the body means more sexual freedom and that is bad. Another possibility is that there is no necessary relationship between the amount of skin open to view and sexual behavior. Clearly there are cultural differences in display of the body, both around the world and within a given society over time-witness changes in the United States from the 1950s to the 1960s. One evening in the 1970s while I was living in Brazil, I knocked on the door of the wrong ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3300458 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:00:17 +0100 3300458 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3296861&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-healing-arts%2F201002%2Fcool-art-therapy-intervention-9-family-sculpture  When psychologists or marriage and family therapists hear the term "family sculpture," an expressive technique invented by experiential family therapists David Kantor, Fred Duhl, and Bunny Duhl often comes to mind. They think of a nonverbal method whereby a family member is asked to physically place other family members in positions in relation to one another-- a three dimensional, in vivo arrangement of actual people. Virginia Satir, psychotherapist and author of the classic Peoplemaking, also had each family member "sculpt" the other in a similar way. Satir believed that it was easier for families to accurately see their situations rather than just talk about them. Contemporary drama therapists as well as dance/movement therapists who often use expressive means to facilitate intera... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3296861 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:55:33 +0100 3296861 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3296858&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-pleasures-sex%2F201002%2Ftake-your-time-in-love-and-sex-better-flirtation-seduction-and-pleasur Earlier this week I was dining at a favorite restaurant when, from its speakers, I heard the unmistakable voice of Frank Sinatra singing Nice 'n Easy. Though I’ve long been drawn to many a Sinatra song, somehow this tune had previously escaped my notice – or maybe if I had heard it earlier, I wasn’t ready to quite get the message. The message, of course, is that there is something lovely about taking one’s time while falling in love – or, as the song says, to “make all the stops along the way.”I used to feel a certain excitement in rushing love and romance. I liked the passion and the pace. I thought once two people find each other and they both feel the “click”, why not just go with that? Why wait?And then I met a man who took his time. I had already been working as a se... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3296858 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:46:52 +0100 3296858 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3296859&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fkeep-the-friendship-or-try-romance-part-one Part OneThis is a secret love story that has a little bit to do with secrets and slightly less, maybe, to do with love.It's about heading through the night with the radio on, moving a big old car towards another country, but only incidentally a story about crossing borders, or erasing boundaries.It's about deciding whether or not to let a friendship become a romance.This happened a long time ago for me, but it happens every minute for somebody else.He was a year ahead of me in college, and had ushered me into the ways of the place when I first arrived. He was always helping me choose the best professors, encouraging me to learn the words to the songs, and teaching me the ways of this particular world. Being both protective of me and defensive of the place meant he had a tough position to p... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3296859 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:53:07 +0100 3296859 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3296860&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fpart-ii-sex-game-theory-wait-or-not-wait-is-the-question Game Theory and the Sex GameIn Part I of this series we showed that men can discriminate between women and their intentions based on the gifts they give. For one thing, they can eliminate gold diggers. But women can also understand men's intentions over time using other signals. For example if you want a partner who will be a good father, game theory offers real answers. In a follow-up to their 2005 study on gifts and dating1, the mathematicians, Robert Seymour and Peter Sozou, researchers at the University College London, and The London School of Economics used game theory to understand the benefits and costs of waiting to have sex during dating. The game had three possible and independent outcomes:1. The female has sex with male.2. The female quits the game without having sex3. The male ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3296860 Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:36:43 +0100 3296860 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3293317&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwhat-would-aristotle-do%2F201002%2Fthriving-relationships With the divorce rate at a dysfunctional high, we might pause for a moment to consider why so many couples do not stay together.  One reason is that many relationships are based on externalized values.  A classic example is the trophy wife/husband relationship in which the beautiful wife or handsome husband is perceived as a status symbol.  Here, “great sex” together with physical attractiveness is assumed to be a sufficient condition for forging a meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, the body’s beauty starts to fade with age and the lustful relationship begins to get old and boring.   Like a worn out shoe or a car with high millage, the first inclination is to replace it.  So there is often trading up to a “newer model” with “all the toys.”&... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3293317 Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:29:45 +0100 3293317 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3293318&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fcontemplating-divorce%2F201002%2Fim-vicarious-victim-the-philanderers-follies I don't know about you, but I feel like I was cheated on by Tiger Woods, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, David Letterman, and Bill Clinton (the list goes on and on).Obviously, I was not married to any of these men, nor do I know any of them or have a personal relationship with them. Still, I feel betrayed. Upon introspection, I realize that the reason I feel cheated is that I had an investment in believing that all these men were what I consider to be "upstanding."The Encarta Dictionary provides a definition of upstanding as "honest and socially responsible."  These men were all dishonest and incredibly socially irresponsible, not only to their wives, but to us as well. Being famous carries an implied standard of comportment that, while unfair, exists. It's not unlike our expect... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3293318 Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:48:17 +0100 3293318 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3291679&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201002%2Flove-s-more-complicated-the-second-time-around We know how important it is to rebound in a timely manner from a failed relationship. Of the thousands of couples we have interviewed over the past 27 years on six continents, many of them were remarried after suffering through a relationship that didn't work. And irrespective of the reason, there is a "pace" to take when building a love that lasts.Here is the truth - new love is best not rushed! When you fall in love again, you must understand that your new lover enters the relationship with various levels of insecurity based on your OLD relationship. If your divorce is not yet finalized, he is a skeptic. Does she really love me? Am I the man of her dreams? Will her divorce really become final or will I be left "holding the bag?"The simple truth is - love is complicated the second time ar... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3291679 Sun, 21 Feb 2010 02:00:22 +0100 3291679 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3291680&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-friendship-doctor%2F201002%2Fleap-faith-dumped-over-religious-differences QUESTIONDear Irene,I feel so hurt after being dumped by my friend of ten years. We met at the library when our children were two years old and had our second children together months apart. Two years ago she decided to go back and follow her Jewish religion. I am Christian and that is why she dumped me.We no longer go out as families together with our husbands and children. My daughter is very upset and cannot understand why we do not go away with them anymore and why my friend is keeping her daughter away from her. We were always Christian and now her children say they are Jewish.When she had no one and no friends, we were there for her but now that she has Jewish friends, we are not good enough for her anymore. I am so glad I am Christian and not Jewish. Christians are much nicer and do ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3291680 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 22:44:13 +0100 3291680 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3291681&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsexual-intelligence%2F201002%2Four-addiction-tiger-woods-sex-addiction What's wrong with Tiger Woods? Three words: I. Don't. Know.For weeks I've been flooded with media inquiries, all focused on Tiger's alleged sex addiction. I've become the go-to guy when the media wants a professional with a different point of view on this.And so from Dr. Phil to Nightline, and on radio stations like Live 25 in Oklahoma City, people have been asking me if the guy's a sex addict. And if he isn't, what is he?My answer's always the same: I've never met the guy, I don't know him, I don't know why he did what he did.What I do know is that, after 30 years as a psychotherapist and sex therapist, I've never seen a sex addict. I've seen people who were obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar, depressed, anxious, or borderline. I've seen people who were selfish or unconsciously enraged; who l... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3291681 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:28:13 +0100 3291681 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3291682&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fenlightened-living%2F201002%2Fauthenticity-in-relationship-and-how-objectification-devalues-us The playing field is always level. We can easily lose sight of this, commonly diminishing ourselves in reflection of another who may make us feel less than who we are, whether by virtue of their actions or the programming that we carry with us. By contrast, we often idealize another, telling ourselves a story of who we think they are by virtue of whom it is that we wish them to be. In either case, everyone loses because, in point of fact, there is no cause or call for that competition - real or imagined -- in the first place.When we idealize another, we diminish them. We reduce them from their state of perfectly human humanity to something less - an object. The same can be said of ourselves. When we lose sight of ourselves - particularly in reflection of another - we reduce ourselves from ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3291682 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 15:39:58 +0100 3291682 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3291683&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fintimacy-and-desire%2F201002%2Fwatching-the-best-in-tiger-stand Before I found the Internet video of Tiger Wood's public statement, I passed through a river of media commentary about whether or not Tiger was telling the truth. There was even an FBI profiler assessing if Tiger was lying. I was struck by how the media was shaping reality: No one considered whether or not this was the pertinent question. I think a more appropriate expert to answer the really relevant questions would be a really savvy priest or rabbi.Watching Tiger's statement was interesting because I watch powerful wealthy people, public figures and celebrities apologize for affairs all the time. They do it in my office in the course of marital therapy. I have to decide that they're doing on a daily basis.A practice-full of "Tigers" has taught me that the question of "lying or not" is no... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3291683 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 15:30:31 +0100 3291683 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3289853&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-body-blog%2F201002%2Fstop-fighting-relationship-repair-without-speaking Sometimes your lover acts like your worst enemy. During a fight this person you love, whom you thought you knew, turns into an alien from another planet. You see their typically mild-mannered self transform into someone you’d want to commit to an insane asylum. Their words and actions may seem like pure nuttiness, but your partner’s responses are rooted in physiology. What happens, says psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus, author of Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You love: Relationship Repair in a Flash, is that in the midst of a fight our bodies go into fight or flight mode. Our instincts kick into high alert. During these moments of elevated chemistry we are actually scanning the environment for danger. Typically, we find it pretty fast. Even within an apology. “When your partner say... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3289853 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 08:59:04 +0100 3289853 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3289854&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fin-the-name-love%2F201002%2Fdarling-is-marital-and-labor-mobility-good-you "You will always be my endless love." Lionel Richie"Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart." Aretha Franklin Labor and marital (as well as romantic) mobility is on the rise in modern society; it seems that the change is greater in labor mobility. Labor mobility is not taken to be cheating, and upon entering a new workplace, people are aware of its temporary nature and accept it. Can such an attitude be adopted towards marriage? Labor mobility expresses the extent to which workers are willing to move from one workplace to another. Such a move can involve, for instance, the move to a different geographical place or to a different occupation. Those moves can be horizontal -- that is, there might be no change in the worker's status -- or they can be vertical, in which a change in status do... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3289854 Sat, 20 Feb 2010 03:20:04 +0100 3289854 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3286161&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsports-transgressions%2F201002%2Famericas-new-sport-catching-tiger-its-tale Perhaps it should come as no surprise that our voyeuristic society waits with bated breath for Tiger Woods’ apology.  There will be plenty of criticism.  Was his apology genuine?  Did he only do this because he wants to reclaim endorsement money that he has lost during his public ordeal?  Is he getting his money’s worth on the people that represent him and the public relations gurus who advise him?  In a fairly anticlimactic manner, I am forced to ask, “Who cares?”   We need to decide if we want to treat Tiger Woods, or any other star athlete, like a super star or a super man.  Infidelity is abundantly well represented in relationships and many people believe that the affair is not the problem; it is a symptom of the problem – something is missi... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3286161 Fri, 19 Feb 2010 03:22:52 +0100 3286161 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3286162&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fwhy-wait-have-sex-what-game-theory-tells-us-part-i Game Theory, Dating & SexWe've had so much interest in this topic that I've decided to write a three part post on game theory, dating and sex. Now you're probably wondering what on earth does game theory have to do with dating and sex? Good question! In fact, scientists and mathematicians have been studying mating from this perspective for the last 20 years. Game theory, to recap, is a type of applied mathematics that has been used extensively in evolutionary biology and economics. It attempts to fathom the great mystery of human behavior and the choices we make when the success or outcome of those choices depends on other people's choices. And nowhere are those choices more at risk and more reliant on others than in the convoluted dance of dating and sex.For example, the mathematician... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3286162 Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:00:09 +0100 3286162 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3286163&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Femotional-fitness%2F201002%2Ftips-preventing-those-big-arguments Every now and then, even the most loving of couples will get into an argument that may rattle the windows and will definitely rattle the hearts of those involved. Experience dictates that most of the power in these unfortunate encounters comes from unhealthy behaviors.Check it out. Recall the last time you and your mate argued with each other. Did either or both of you bring up past issues? This is done to deflect responsibility and avoid discomfort. It usually makes the issue worse and may create additional problems.Instead of getting defensive and escalating, here are some additional tools you can choose to use that will help you avoid hurting your relationship or shutting down your own heart.Choose your words carefully. Don't swear or use inflammatory language. Say what's on your mind a... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3286163 Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:19:53 +0100 3286163 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3281957&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fjust-listen%2F201002%2Fcan-tiger-woods-win-forgiveness I understand that Tiger Woods is about to make a statement on Friday regarding the events since Thanksgiving and his infidelity. It's an opportunity to see if he can do what John Edwards and Bill Clinton were not able to do. Will Tiger do what's necessary to earn forgiveness from his wife Elin primarily and then the rest of us secondarily? In my thirty years of seeing couples who have dealt with and overcome infidelity, I have developed an "air tight" formula that is necessary to earn forgiveness after you've betrayed someone. I call it the Power Apology*, but very few powerful people and power hitters are able to do it. The 4 H's When you betray someone's trust at such a deep level you trigger in them: Hurt, Hate, Hesitation to Trust, Holding onto a Grudge. 1. Hurt - When you betray someo... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3281957 Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:57:35 +0100 3281957 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3281958&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201002%2Fstudy-finds-couples-using-we-words-have-better-relationships  The findings of Levenson and Seider, in their just released University of California – Berkeley study, are absolutely correct and have been validated by our own 27-year research project across cultures and continents.  The Berkeley study of 154 couples “found that those who used pronouns such as "we," "our" and "us" behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress.” Our interviews on six continents of the world with thousands of successful couples married from 30-77 years would certainly verify their findings.  In fact, this “WE” behavior is so critical to great marriages around the world that it is one of the seven pervasive characteristics of successful marriage that we reported in our latest book, Building a Love that Lasts: ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3281958 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 22:49:06 +0100 3281958 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3278309&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-friendship-doctor%2F201002%2Fwhos-your-call-list As soon as my brother-in-law learned that my mother's health was declining, Don responded by putting her on his Saturday morning "call list." Every weekend, Don places calls to a growing list of friends and relatives who are housebound, lonely, and/or ill. His uplifting phone calls aren't obligatory. He calls because he cares and is genuinely interested in listening to people and helping them solve or better cope with their problems.Some people live very lonely lives. Last week a 78-year-old retired New York City schoolteacher, named Jane Wild, who lived in a white Cape Cod in my own hamlet (Chappaqua, New York) was found dead in her second-floor bathroom. The local online newspaper reported that Wild was a recluse with few friends or no family except for a sister who lived with her, until... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3278309 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 14:26:10 +0100 3278309 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3278310&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fwhy-is-there-no-king-charming Ever notice that there is no King Charming?Prince Charming? Him we know.He's a polygamist, the main figure of one of those cults where there are 758 kids, and women all have the unibrow and wear Little House on the Prairie throwback dresses.Prince Charming marries Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and for all we know, he's also knocked up Mother Goose. Who knows? Maybe he's responsible for all those children who live in a shoe.(You know the real rhyme, right? "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe/ She had so many children, she didn't know what to do / Try as she would, she could not detect / which was the cause, and which the effect.")Prince Charming is just a reprobate, what the Brits would call a "lad," and what delusional women all over America would refer to as a " hot guy... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3278310 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 04:06:20 +0100 3278310 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3278311&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-wisdom-your-dreams%2F201002%2Fdream-work-the-dying All the sacred traditions of the world give an especially privileged place to dreams and dreaming as a means of self-understanding and communication with and from the Divine. In addition, every culture of the world reveals some version of the ancient archetypal metaphor: "sleep = death", and "dreams = the experience of the afterlife". Tibetan Buddhists even go so far as to say that what we experience as "dreams" when we are alive and in our physical bodies is exactly what the discarnate entity experiences after death and in "the Bardo of Dying and Preparing for Rebirth". This belief is the primary reason for their focused attention to lucid dreaming; if a person can become proficient in recognizing consciously, "Oh, this is a dream..." while asleep, then that person will also be very likel... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3278311 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 02:05:19 +0100 3278311 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3286164&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flets-connect%2F201002%2Fcan-fear-and-grief-be-pleasurable This note is in response to Dr. Norman Holland's question: Why do we get pleasure from horror movies? My answer is different from his. Dr. Holland thinks that Aristotle offered a cognitive answer to a similar question, why do we get pleasure in the theatre from tragedies? Yet what Aristotle wrote was "to purge us of pity and terror." That seems to imply bodily rather than cognitive responses. Aristotle was the first to offer a theory of the catharsis of emotions. The idea of catharsis is currently in disrepute because Freud rejected it, even though his first book reported its success. Also experimental psychologists think they have disproved it, because they have shown that acting out anger usually doesn't get rid of it. But Aristotle didn't propose that audiences shout in anger or run awa... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3286164 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:27:43 +0100 3286164 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3278312&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsex-dawn%2F201002%2Fwhat-if-loveless-marriage-were-illegal Breaking news:  New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other (Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center) Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3278312 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:07:17 +0100 3278312 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3278313&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-bytes%2F201002%2Flove-first-sight Do you believe in love at first sight? Approximately 60% of Americans do.  And over 50% say they have experienced it. Now what does a person really see at first sight?  The answer can be found in the process whereby the vast majority of Americans screen for potential partners.  It is a 2-step screening process.  In Step 1, there is a scan of the environment and all people deemed as “unsuitable” are quickly checked out and summarily passed over.  Obviously, a very important screening criterion in our culture is physical attractiveness.  So during this first step, the unattractive are deemed unsuitable and are coolly (coldly?) eliminated from further consideration.  They essentially become invisible. Step 2.  Those in the environment who have not... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3278313 Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:24:14 +0100 3278313 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3274661&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fim-no-expert%2F201002%2Fthe-ex-factor The Academy Awards, airing March 7th, is fast approaching and this year there is a much bigger battle being waged than the usual who will look best in what gown, who will give the funniest and or most politically savvy speech, and which unknown will go home with the golden statuette. James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are both up for Best Director Oscars for the stunning Avatar and gritty The Hurt Locker, respectively. Of course there are other directors in the running but all eyes are on these two, not only because this specific duel pits a studio film with an enormous budget against an indie with a tiny one, a smug egotistical man against a demur stoic woman, and most interestingly, ex-husband versus ex-wife. James and Kathryn were married from 1989-1991 and although both are insisting th... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3274661 Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:06:17 +0100 3274661 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3274662&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fall-about-sex%2F201002%2Fdoes-your-doctor-ask-about-sexual-issues I have a charming primary care physician who's up on the latest research, and quite thorough--well, almost. He rarely asks about my sexual functioning.My doctor is typical. For years, sexologists have fretted about doctors' discomfort with sexual issues. A recent editorial in the British medical journal, Lancet, says "sex is a legitimate part of medicine," but doctors have "largely kept it separate from the rest of medicine."Many conditions involve possible sexual dysfunction: heart disease, stroke, cancer, diabetes, depression, and chronic pain, among others. In addition, recent studies show that sex problems, particularly erection impairment, can be the first symptom of several of these conditions, notably heart disease. Doctors who are reluctant to ask about sexual difficulties or don't... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3274662 Mon, 15 Feb 2010 18:57:59 +0100 3274662 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272096&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fpassive-aggressive-diaries%2F201002%2Fits-not-what-you-say-its-how-you-type-it Experts say that 7 percent of human communication comes from words, while 38 percent is from a person's tone of the voice and a whopping 55 percent comes from his body language. I'm no math wiz, but those numbers tell me that when a passive aggressive person wants to mask his anger, sending an e-mail, text, or posting online can be the perfect way to do it! In a face-to-face or live telephone interaction, body language and tone of voice betray anger and hostility. When these interpersonal elements are absent, it is easy to mask a whole lot of hidden anger. The Perfect Crime Have you ever received an e-mail from a boss or co-worker that was completely professionally appropriate, yet simmering with hostility? Has anyone ever Facebooked you with an embarrasing comment for all of your FB fri... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272096 Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:31:03 +0100 3272096 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272101&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fyou-get-engaged%2F201002%2Fzen-koan-post-valentines-day-do-you-have-healthy-doubt-or-unhealthy-doub  A Zen Koan for Post-Valentine’s Day: Do you have “healthy doubt” or “unhealthy doubt” about whether your partner is “The One”? First let me say a word about the Zen Koan.  Within Zen meditation practice, a Koan is a statement or puzzle which is designed to resist an immediate clear and logical understanding, but may allow one to come to an intuitive understanding or greater spiritual awareness when quietly contemplated.   My own experience meditating with Koans for over fifteen years is that they have the power to break through the preconceived ideas, conditioned thoughts, and powerful forces of habit that constrain us from being truly clear in our perceptions of ourselves and those that populate the universe around us.  Along these li... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272101 Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:14:48 +0100 3272101 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272097&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fgetting-laid-over-60%2F201002%2Ffacing-loneliness-valentines-day Well, another Valentine's Day is upon us and those of us in our 50s and 60s have seen many come and go. Hopefully, we can all recall at least one February 14th full of young sweet feelings of discovery of another sweet soul who we wanted so much to connect to and say "I love you" with a mix of hope for acceptance and dread of possible rejection. Though many in our generation may be spending this February 14th with a special someone, a good proportion of readers will be alone on Valentine's Day and this blog is for you.As a species, we need connection to others in order to thrive. Research shows that people with a stronger social support network are happier, recover more quickly from surgery and disease, and are at lower risk for depression. (Cacioppo, J. T.) When we are younger, this need ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272097 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 21:44:37 +0100 3272097 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272098&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwhat-would-aristotle-do%2F201002%2Fthe-courage-commit Fear of commitment is rooted in the demand for perfection in an imperfect universe.  The future is uncertain; things do not always happen as you wish; there are some things that are not in your control; and you cannot know all.  This is the human condition.  “If I commit to him/her, then I might miss the opportunity to meet someone better.”  How often have these words been uttered?  These words are the words of fear of commitment, a demand for perfection that one simply cannot have in an uncertain universe.  Plato believed that our souls were once split in half and the quest for finding the right person with whom to spend one’s life was that of (literally) finding “your other half.” In contrast, Jean-Paul Sartre, a French existentialist philosopher, ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272098 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 19:56:04 +0100 3272098 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272102&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fcontemplating-divorce%2F201002%2Fgifts-mean-more-jewelry-flowers-or-chocolate-ok-maybe-not-chocolat If your marriage is on the rocks and you have a desire to do something really special for your mate this year, DON'T go out and buy the predictable traditional gifts that you're "supposed" to buy.Instead, be creative and put some time, energy and thought into the gift. It actually doesn't have to cost much money.One husband, who had to go out of town on this holiday weekend, created a treasure hunt for his wife before he left. Knowing she would start her day at her computer, that's where he placed the first clue. He then posted little notes in various places throughout the house telling her where she needed to go for the next clue. At the end of the treasure hunt, she found a lovely card and some hershey's kisses. The card was handwritten and heartfelt acknowledging the challenge... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272102 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:32:23 +0100 3272102 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272099&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fambigamy%2F201002%2Fconsciously-unconscious-reflections-the-annual-social-psychology-conference I just got back from the annual Social Psychology meeting in Las Vegas. Are you following this amazing field? It's not hard to follow, what with the wealth of marvelously accessible books with monosyllabic titles like Blink, Switch, Nudge, and Sway, not to mention The Hidden Brain, Predictably Irrational, The political brain, On being certain, How we decide, and well, really too many to mention.If you haven't been following, let me summarize. When it comes to the subconscious, Freud didn't know the half of it. He was right that our conscious minds aren't running everything, but it's not as though everything beneath the surface is libidinous. A lot of it is just fast and efficient habitual reaction.The mind is not a computer but it is an eager computer maker. Instinct and experience turn wh... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272099 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 17:37:53 +0100 3272099 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3272100&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhow-fantasy-becomes-reality%2F201002%2Flove-isonline Social psychologists study love and attraction and we don't limit our investigations to romantic love. We are interested in love and attraction in all kinds of relationships. We ask: what draws friends together and what keeps them together? What makes people decide to get married? How do kids learn how to act in relationships? In his recent PBS series, This Emotional Life, Harvard social psychologist Daniel Gilbert concludes that it is our relationships that contribute most towards our happiness and the meaning we find in life. I think that online elements can add a lot to relationships, especially those where we also meet up face to face.From Voyeurs to ActorsNot too long ago there was a major change in Cyberspace, and it had to do with how people explore social relationships online. In t... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3272100 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:46:59 +0100 3272100 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270685&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-couch%2F201002%2Fbreaking-valentines-day Last year Margo* came into my office after Valentine's Day, sobbing. It was supposed to have been a celebration of romance and love. So why had her boyfriend - make that ex-boyfriend - chosen to end their relationship on that specific morning? "I never should have trusted him," she said through her tears. "I'll never trust another guy. And I'll never be able to enjoy this day again!!"In truth, when she got over her pain, Margo would remember that there had been signs that the relationship was finished for some time before Valentine's Day. She would also eventually acknowledge that she had not been happy with this man for many months. But I was curious about why her boyfriend had made the final break on this Day of Love and Romance. Although they had not been getting along well, I had never... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270685 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 12:44:20 +0100 3270685 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270686&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fpower-in-relationships%2F201002%2Fwill-you-please-just-shut-just-shut WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!Robin Stern, Ph. D.I really enjoy riding the train, especially for long distances - I love to watch the landscape - and, usually find it so relaxing! But, last week it was anything but. I was sitting behind a young couple engaged in what I would call an exquisite Gaslight Tango. It had actually been awhile since I had heard a couple go at it in public.It started like this:She said: Are you thinking about it, I mean about going to my mom's after the party...I mean you don't look ok. Are you ok with it ?He said: I am here, right? Genius... I said I would think about it. Jeez, you are so insecure. Anyway, I can't imagine why you want to go there - your mother puts you down all the time - - I thought you were in therapy about that. I thought that is why we are spe... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270686 Sun, 14 Feb 2010 00:04:37 +0100 3270686 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270687&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-love-doctor%2F201002%2Ffour-ways-make-your-relationship-sing Happy relationships shouldn't be hard work! That's one of the upbeat findings from my landmark study of marriage, which has been following 373 married couples since 1986.Here's more good news for lovebirds: If you're in a happy partnership, married or not, you can keep it that way or make it even better by introducing a few new behaviors and small changes into the relationship. While many relationship experts say you need to focus on fixing what's wrong, my research shows that adding positive behaviors to the relationship has a much greater impact on couples' happiness.Here are four things you can do to make your relationship happier, more passionate, and more fun.1. "Get real" with your expectations. Do you wish he had rippling abs and a million-dollar bonus? Or that she was a football fa... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270687 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 23:33:49 +0100 3270687 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270688&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fseven-new-valentines-day-rules-love-sacrifice-suffering-death-in-jail Seven NEW Valentine's Day Rules (for Him and Her)Love, Sacrifice, Suffering and Death in a Jail...Many of us have written about how much Valentine's Day sucks in both professional1 and trade journals2. No need to rehash the ridiculous commercialism of this Hallmark-generated holiday. But I will anyway: the unhappiness women feel when their man comes up small, yada, yada, yada. In short, (sorry about the penis jokes) many people have argued that it's best to do away with this crass holiday altogether.But I don't agree. I believe that we need to get back to the true meanings and origins of this holiday. What are they? The day is based on the story of St. Valentine's sacrifice, suffering and death in a jail3. Ok, so we won't deal with the whole death thing. But honoring the sacrifice and suff... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270688 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 22:22:27 +0100 3270688 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270690&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwho-we-are%2F201002%2Fself-hugging-believing-your-values-can-make-others-happy Self-hugging is a natural tendency to assume that our values produce the greatest happiness, not just for ourselves, but potentially for everybody. When people learn what makes them happy, they assume they have learned something about human nature, when in reality they have only learned about themselves. A good case in point is the educator who enjoyed school when he/she was a student. The educator concludes "intellectualism is fun" rather than "intellectualism is fun for me," even claiming that everybody is born like him with the capacity to enjoy school.  So when the educator encounters a student who hates deep thinking, the educator wonders what is wrong with the student rather than realize that the student just has a different nature than he does. Self-hugging is the key to u... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270690 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 19:17:04 +0100 3270690 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3270689&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-white-knight-syndrome%2F201002%2Frescuing-yourself-rescuing-relationships-2-letting-go You may have ended your rescuing relationship (or several of them) but, in your head and heart, still hear it calling to you. Letting go of a relationship filled with tension and excitement, the kind of drama a white knight tends to experience with a partner, is a difficult endeavor for many reasons. Relinquishing hope and your illusion of control means coming to terms with your failure. But there are still other important factors that cause you to hang on to a rescued partner when the relationship is over. This blog looks at your misguided hope.Your hope may have led you to assume that rescuing your partner could help him achieve his expressed goal: be it financial success, sobriety, security, or happiness, and he would then need, love, and appreciate you.Relinquishing hope is hard to do ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3270689 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 18:35:58 +0100 3270689 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3268631&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fin-the-name-love%2F201002%2Fare-love-and-marriage-horse-and-carriage "Love and marriage, love and marriageGo together like a horse and carriageThis I tell you brotherYou can't have one without the other." Frank Sinatra "The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to bear them, and sometimes three." Alexandre Dumas On successive occasions we adapt to the event and the experience yields less pleasure; psychologists "call this habituation, economists call it declining marginal utility, and the rest of us call it marriage." Daniel Gilbert In the last few centuries, marriage has been connected to romantic love. This kind of package deal is not easy to maintain and indeed many people fail while trying to do so. Nevertheless, most people still pursue this deal. This is another type of paradox associated with marriage (see here). Some of the main difficul... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3268631 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:50:45 +0100 3268631 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3268632&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-new-you%2F201002%2Frotten-valentine-how-help-friend-in-bad-relationship As a therapist, I have many friends who come to me for relationship advice. Often friends tell me that they are in a relationship in which their partner is not treating them very well. I have on occasion hinted at the fact that perhaps its time to separate from that person. In almost all of these occasions, the friend returns to their partner for more mistreatment. People stay in less than ideal relationships for many reasons. Some stay because they are afraid of not meeting anyone else. Others stay because they are emotionally or economically dependant on their partners. However, people often stay because in addition to all the mistreatment they are receiving they are also receiving something very rewarding. This could be a common experience, love and or sex. By simply giving advice to le... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3268632 Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:17:49 +0100 3268632 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3268633&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-caveman-goes-hollywood%2F201002%2Fpsychological-lift-valentine-s-day-watch The main character in Up is Carl Fredericksen - a 78 year old retired balloon salesman. Carl shares a key feature with George Clooney's character in Up in the Air - both men spend a good portion of the movie flying above the clouds. And both movies take interesting twists on the classical evolutionary themes of Getting the Girl and Getting Along. But the similarities end there.If you were going to pick a flick to watch on Valentine's Day, you might be inclined to watch something like Up in the Air, which is an adult story starring the handsome George Clooney and the beautiful Vera Farmiga. But unless you're hopelessly jaded, we're pretty sure you'd be a lot more uplifted if you picked the cartoon.Attachment versus DetachmentAs we noted in our last review, Up in the Air is about a man who r... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3268633 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:59:09 +0100 3268633 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3268634&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fcan-you-live-someone-who-never-says-i-love-you-part-0 How do stay in a relationship with someone who cannot, does not, or will not express affection?You do it by convincing yourself that everything is just fine, even when it isn't. You employ "enabling fictions" that blind you to the real causes behind your disillusionment.It becomes all too easy to abandon the attempt to chart the course of your own life if you believe that things just are the way they are, and enabling fictions are one reason change is difficult.Enabling fictions, by the way, aren't limited to love affairs, although these are the places they appear most clearly when looking at other people's lives. They also work on a philosophical scale: an enabling fiction tells us that we should put up with misery and oppression in this life because the next one will be better, or, conve... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3268634 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:57:20 +0100 3268634 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3268635&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fguide-teen-girls%2F201002%2Fthousands-need-teens-lead-them-back-school According to the U.S. Department of Education, every single day 60,000 students avoid going to school because they are afraid of being bullied.Question: How can we help those 60,000 frightened students go to school?Answer: Teach teens to lead.Three Types of TeensThere are three types of teens: Bullies, Followers and those who Lead.Bullies are perpetrators of threats and violence. They have low self-esteem and take out their frustrations on others. They lack a sense of being valued and loved for who they really are.Followers are afraid to speak or step up for themselves or others who are victimized. Followers go along with whatever is happening in their environment. They do not have a good sense of who they are.Teens who lead are empathic. They care enough to report and help reduce violence... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3268635 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:29:14 +0100 3268635 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265310&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffinding-true-love%2F201002%2Fbad-men-dont-wait-have-sex   A fascinating study by the mathematician and economist, Robert Seymour and the social scientist, Peter Sozou, researchers at the University College London and The London School of Economics shows that a longer courtship before mating allows a male to show that he is "good" from the female's point of view. The authors define "goodness" as a man's willingness to care for young after mating. The study used game theory to analyze the male/female dating game. According to the researchers, a longer courtship shows that the males who are more available for lasting and true love relationships were willing to wait and delay having sex. They consider these subjects to be "good men" from the women's point of view. According to the authors, a "good male," values mating with the female, relative... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265310 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:48:34 +0100 3265310 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265311&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsexual-intelligence%2F201002%2Ffreeing-ourselves-valentine-s-day I don't expect to have sex on Valentine's Day. Neither should you.It's OK if it happens, of course; I just don't expect it.My patients have shown me over and over that expectations like that create problems. It's even worse when you don't tell your partner what you're assuming.But say you're like many people. You look forward to sex on Valentines Day, or your birthday, anniversary, weekend away, or the day that the kids are with their uncle. You buy a bottle of champagne, or frilly underwear, or flavored condoms. Maybe you drop a few hints. Maybe your partner gets the hint, maybe not. You aren't quite sure.You tell your best friend what you hope will happen. Maybe you say it better happen--after all, you two don't do it as much as you used to. And you get plenty of support from the usual s... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265311 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 01:06:23 +0100 3265311 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265312&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Freel-therapy%2F201002%2Fthe-how-i-met-your-mother-secret-formula Why is "How I Met Your Mother" so popular? The answer, I believe, loosely relates to issues of addiction theory, the need for fantasy and the show "Friends," the founding fathers of this kind of manipulation on the television frontier. Let's start with the last point. It's been awhile but I'd like you to recall the show, not so much the specific plot points or character types, but its enduringly popular nature. From television ratings to Emmy awards to zeitgeist impact, the show achieved unprecedented success. A logical implication to draw from this fact is that "Friends" uncovered a business model of irresistible psychological appeal. What else would explain why millions of people glued themselves to the weekly broadcasts of silliness for more than a decade?The reason I am putting on my t... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265312 Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:25:59 +0100 3265312 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265313&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwhen-youre-not-expecting%2F201002%2Fcan-steamy-sex-and-infertility-go-hand-in-hand Some readers may wonder how I came to devote an entire chapter of my book When You're Not Expecting to the topic of the sex lives of couples with infertility. My answer would have to be that, among the hundreds of couples I have counseled about issues affected by their infertility, well over 90 percent identify their sexual relationship. And this is now backed up by research just posted on an e-mail of RESOLVE to its members today: "A study conducted at Duke University Medical Center, and presented at the American Society of Reproductive Medicine by Dr. Jennifer Norten examined 'sexual satisfaction and functioning in patients seeking infertility treatment.' The results of this study suggest that women undergoing infertility treatment experience significant changes in various aspects of sex... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265313 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 22:27:43 +0100 3265313 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265314&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-friendship-doctor%2F201002%2Ffriends-in-unlikely-places-the-ex-factor Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner's ex. But I am. She's really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex's" was the most common. Followed by: "We're amicable and that's it."So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I'm new in town having ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265314 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 17:02:31 +0100 3265314 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3265315&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhold-me-tight%2F201002%2Fthe-very-best-investment What does the fact that the stock market has fallen mean for families, for couple relationships?"Love conquers everything except poverty and toothache", Mae West said. We know that financial stress drags marriages down. Money and how to manage it is a sure source of conflict in many couple relationships - and this was clear even before the last market melt down. A 2006 study in Money magazine found that 15% of couples fought about money several times a month. Even in strong marriages, stressors such as job losses, salary cuts or working longer hours can trigger angry outbursts of frustration or numbed out silences that quickly take a marriage into the danger zone. Do we even have time for building a resilient marriage anymore? As financial and career pressures increase, giving time and att... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3265315 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:57:42 +0100 3265315 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261209&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Faddiction-in-society%2F201002%2Freaders-quiz-can-be-love I have been extremely critical of John Edwards' mental health/arrogance in thinking he could skate away from his affair with Rielle Hunter. I have been extremely critical of his hypocrisy around sexuality and his materialism. I have likewise critiqued the bizarre dance Edwards has carried out in public with wife Elizabeth.I expressed all of these attitudes prior to the publication of a tell-all book by his aide and beard, Andrew Young, which Tina Brown characterized as "a mesmerizing insight not only into the rotten nature of his hero but the corruption of the culture that allowed a man as devoid of authenticity as John Edwards to flourish for so long, even to the point of getting a decent shot at the White House."The book was the last straw, apparently, as Elizabeth pushed John out of the... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261209 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:35:08 +0100 3261209 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261210&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbetween-the-lines%2F201002%2Fjohn-mayers-very-wide-open-window-us-race-relations If you haven't yet seen John Mayer's interview with Playboy, well, all jokes about reading Playboy for the articles aside, you really should just pause here and check it out, because the interview is really very "very". Trust me, this will make sense once you read it. So go ahead...this blog isn't going anywhere.Are you back? Did you remember to bring your "hood pass"? I hope so, because that's where we're going today. We have to. That's where Mayer went.But before I get to the analysis, I want to be clear about my purpose here. In regard to Mayer, I'm neither a fan, not a hater. To be honest, I don't listen to much music (and still haven't heard Mayer's) and had no opinion of Mayer one way or another before reading the Playboy interview. My purpose, then, is neither to defend him nor smea... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261210 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 07:59:45 +0100 3261210 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261211&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhomo-consumericus%2F201002%2Fdo-the-clothes-make-the-man Conclusion: The clothes do indeed make the man!The findings that I have reported in the last two posts should not be construed as implying that either sex is shallow or superficial. Rather, these results demonstrate that men and women beautify themselves on the mating market in ways that are desired by the opposite sex. Ultimately, these beautification preferences correspond to sex-specific mating concerns that the two sexes have faced in our evolutionary history.Source for Image:http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b298/jadeb_/gf3piece.jpg (Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center) Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261211 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 04:26:25 +0100 3261211 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261212&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fsnow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore%2F201002%2Fcan-you-live-someone-who-never-says-i-love-you-part- Can you imagine living for three years with a man who doesn't say "I love you"?This question assumed more than an academic place in my life when I lived with a man who had a sort of hysterical inability to make this most obvious declaration of affection. I spent a long time thinking about the question.Now I'd re-phrase the question this way: How do you talk yourself into living without what you want?If you're like me, you convince yourself that he simply cannot say three short words, despite the fact that he inevitably has recourse to the first and second (and even uses the "L" word) in daily conversation. ("I'll be home for dinner, and I'd love to have lasagna"). You tell yourself that he is just not the kind of man to show affection openly; you tell yourself that words are cheap, throw-a... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261212 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 02:01:24 +0100 3261212 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261213&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fbuilding-great-marriages%2F201002%2Fgiving-the-gift-time-valentine-s-day  In these tough economic times we think it is important to again remind folks that the best things in life are free.  To love, to be loved, and to give the gift of time is the best gift you can give to the one you love.  This is an especially important message on Valentine’s Day 2010.Here are some ideas for saving your hard-earned money on Valentine’s Day and giving the most precious gift of all – your time: Share ideas for what you would like to do together in 2010. Talk about the dreams you share for yourself as well as for your marriage.Engage in an extended conversation about why you love each other.Write your lover a note with three things you admire most about him or her.Treat her like a princess – treat him like a king.Write an email telling your l... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261213 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:55:17 +0100 3261213 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261214&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffriend-or-foe%2F201002%2Fthe-misery-lover-in-your-life In our ongoing quest for healthy friendships, those in which we feel appreciated, understood and where trust is at a premium, the misery lover's modus operandi isn't always immediately apparent. Since much of female bonding is environmental and age related, the misery lover starts out as a good friend to have. For example, the two of you share mutual interests and common experiences, which leads to trading confidences. Perhaps you both have controlling mothers-in-law, awful bosses, trying adolescent children. Or it might be that disappointing husband or long-standing partner that you have in common. Thus, you and your friend moan together over these topics and soothe each other when the going gets rough. This applies to women of all ages since the search for female friends who echo one's s... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261214 Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:40:36 +0100 3261214 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261215&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201002%2Fwords-wisdom-wednesday-the-joys-being-single I had the chance to interview the lovely and talented Samara O'Shea a few months ago. In addition to being an expert on the art of letter wrtiting (read: the pen-and-paper kind), she's also a blogger for The Huffington Post. When I read her post on celebrating your singlehood, I just knew I had to interview her! Check out her wise words of advice!<!--break-->Your HuffPo article touches on some key issues. Were you nervous about writing it?I guess I'm always a little nervous to say things like, "In the event that it doesn't happen for me. . ." (in other words, if a lasting relationship doesn't happen for me). I fear if I say it, then I'm willing it somehow, and I don't want to will it. I am open to and hopeful for romantic love to enter my life at some point, but if I had to choose be... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261215 Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:35:29 +0100 3261215 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261216&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-caveman-goes-hollywood%2F201002%2Fmodern-technology-intimacy-s-enemy-are-we-all-in-the-air Unlike some of the other Oscar contenders, the movie Up in the Air does not take you to another planet. But it does take you on a psychological journey - one distinguished by the absence of any particular destination. The movie depicts the life of a corporate downsizing consultant (Ryan Bingham, played by George Clooney) whose job is to travel around the country and do something that cowardly bosses don't have the stomach to do -- inform people they are being fired.From a psychological perspective, the most interesting aspect of this movie is its take on the special forms of alienation that mobility and technology has brought to modern life. Clooney's character has an unusual and asocial goal - to clock 10 million air miles, and he has a side occupation - giving "motivational" talks in whi... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261216 Wed, 10 Feb 2010 18:34:02 +0100 3261216 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261218&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fhealthy-connections%2F201002%2Fbeyond-the-valentine-making-the-holiday-work-your-single-self-0 I regularly hear from relatives, friends and clients about the awkwardness, disappointment and yes joy in the celebration of Valentine's Day. I remember a simpler time in grade school when you simply sent a valentine to all your friends and vice versa. But as an adult - the pressure is on to be "in love" on Valentine's Day. That can cause jitters for even the sturdiest of single folks. Here are my thoughts on how to better manage feelings and actions around Valentine's Day depending on what category of single you consider yourself:1. Single for 6 months or more You are truly single if you are over your last relationship, have had not contact or sex with any ex for many months, do not live with an ex or fantasize that it wasn't really so bad and maybe you should go back. Time without dating... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261218 Wed, 10 Feb 2010 17:50:50 +0100 3261218 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3261217&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdivorce-grownups%2F201002%2Fthe-annual-marital-performance-review In the course of mediating thousands of divorces over the past thirty years I have been struck at the obliviousness that often prevails during a marriage's long slide toward divorce. No one goes from a happy contented marriage to verge of divorce without a long process of dissolution. It takes a long time for a marriage to erode to the point that the couple is held together only by inertia and fear of the consequences of separation. Presumably, two people of reasonable intelligence and good faith would have some awareness of what was happening and would act in concert to remedy the problems of the marriage before it reaches the irretrievable tipping point. But in reality this seldom seems to happen. My sense is that most wait until someone is talking divorce before seeking a marriage coun... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3261217 Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:02:56 +0100 3261217 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257278&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fwhen-youre-not-expecting%2F201002%2Fintimacy-infertile-couples-lovemaking-or-baby-making           As Valentine's Day approaches, my thoughts focus in unique directions, given my experience as a therapist working exclusively with infertile clients. Couples who have difficulty conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to a healthy birth often find themselves shifting their love making to "baby making." This shift tends to be gradual, and it builds on a foundation of increasing disappointment and sadness as, month by month, the woman's menstrual period begins just at the time she had hoped for a positive pregnancy test. Or, if a positive pregnancy test is followed by a pregnancy loss, the sadness becomes active grief as hope for this baby vanishes and, once again, efforts to conceive are the focus of the couple's life.   &nbsp... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257278 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:44:48 +0100 3257278 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257279&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fthe-hidden-brain%2F201002%2Flove-and-other-illusions Psychologists in the Netherlands and Germany have recently found that thinking about situations involving love and lust produce very different mindframes when it comes to thinking in general. In a new paper published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Jens Förster, Amina Özelsel and Kai Epstude found that when volunteers were asked to imagine being in love or being in lust — or when they were subliminally prompted to think about love or lust — their states of mind shifted. Love seemed to elicit global and long-range thinking, lust seemed to elicit local or short-term thinking. There is nothing inherently surprising about this, given that love and lust (to the extent they are different things) differ on the question of temporality. We can imagine ourselves as being in l... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257279 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:41:47 +0100 3257279 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257280&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ffamily-secrets%2F201002%2Fwhat-does-love-have-do-domestic-abuse When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, none of us expects to be treated badly. We are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them, we often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love. But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled into a relationship by an intense physical attraction, but we also want to be intimately connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support. And don't we also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257280 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 19:45:12 +0100 3257280 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257281&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flove-bytes%2F201002%2Flove-or-being-in-love Lots of couples end up in the marriage therapist’s office every day.  But hardly ever does someone end up there who actually understands what love is.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is rare for anyone to ever end up in any therapist’s office who actually understands what love is. There is within each of us an inherent desire to love and to be loved.  But if we are ignorant as to what actually constitutes love, then how will we ever hope to know whether what is happening between us and another person is actually love? If the truth be known, what many (if not most) of us are looking for is not love, but rather, an in-love experience.  But an in-love experience is not love at all. In-love experiences are almost always effortless --- that’s why we call ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257281 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 19:38:40 +0100 3257281 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257282&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Flooking-in-the-cultural-mirror%2F201002%2Flula-obama-and-race At the 2009 summit of the G-20 in London, Brazil's President Lula (Luiz Inacio da Silva) said of our President "I am a fan of Obama. He is the first US president who has our face. If you ran into him in Bahia you would think he's from there." This comment seemed insensitive to some Americans, who heard it as saying "We have blacks like you in Bahia." I used to teach psychology in Brazil, and I have heard such comments before. When an American interracial couple was at a party in São Paulo, a Brazilian anthropologist (with a British doctorate) who was chatting with them said to the black husband, "We have a lot of people who look like you in Bahia." Anthropology is the discipline most knowledgeable about race and most sensitive to it, so the remark--made in a friendly tone and in all innoc... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257282 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:04:55 +0100 3257282 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3257283&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdisabled-and-thriving%2F201002%2Flooking-love-part-ii I hope you enjoyed yesterday's first half of my "love story." I'd love to hear what you have to say about Part II today, so send me your thoughts at mellow1422@aol.com.<!--break-->Like any young girl, I'd had my fair share of crushes.There was the blonde boy in my second-grade class who I used to daydream about on a daily basis, and my red cheeks matched the color of my hair any time he'd walk by.There was the boy on my high school newspaper. We were co-editors, and I spent meetings thinking not about the upcoming story assignments or proofing a new layout, but studying intensely his piercing eyes, wavy brown hair I desperately wanted to tousle and the way his orange shirt brought out his smile.And then there was Him. My first love. I was sure of it. It started innocently when I was ... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3257283 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:02:49 +0100 3257283 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3253036&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fjust-listen%2F201002%2Fwhat-your-sleeping-positions-reveal-about-your-relationship  from Divorce360Do you like to snuggle up to your honey under the covers, or are you the type who needs your space? Your behavior in bed may be trying to tell you something important about the health of your relationship. "The way partners share a bed says a huge amount how much they really like each other, trust and feel safe with each other," says Dr. Mark Goulston of the University of California. "Analyzing sleep positions can highlight trouble spots they may not even be aware of." Recognizing what these unconscious signs indicate can help couples iron out problems before they reach a crisis, Goulston adds. 1. The Spoon. One partner cuddled up to the back of the other is the most common position in the first few years of a relationship. It implies physical trust and a feeling of... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3253036 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:54:23 +0100 3253036 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3253037&cid=s_35658_36_f&fid=35658&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fspycatcher%2F201002%2Fmovement-action-nonverbal We often think about nonverbal communications as only encompassing body language, but that is a very narrow view. In fact, anything that communicates, which sends a message that is not a word, however slight or nuanced, is a “nonverbal” message. We are bombarded by images (subtle and not so subtle) all day long and they influence how we behave and our perceptions. A politician taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves sends a message: “I am like you and I will work for you.” That’s why we see those images every election year. Similarly a Mont Blanc pen or Patek Philippe watch communicate something in their own right about their owners (Navarro 2008). A well lit gas station, research shows, encourages you to refill there because it appears more secure. The clean and orderly... Psychology Today Relationships Center consumer http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3253037 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:44:34 +0100 3253037