MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'The Yellow Wallpaper' source. Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:54:29 +0100 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/04/15/godspeed/ My Mom died this afternoon at 2 PM.  My sister and I were fortunate enough to be with her when she stepped fully into the afterlife.  The Hospice nurse had adjusted her medications earlier, then the waters calmed and she seemed set on a peaceful course.  We noticed her hands becoming cool and her skin color changing.  Her breathing became shallower and shallower, and I knew she was on her way.  She took a last breath and was gone. That moment was like a window flying open.  My mother’s spirit took off and all the bottled-up feelings came loose.   There has been so much grieving over the past few years–in increments–that right now I only want to piece together the mother I had for the first fifty-two years of my life.  I’m heartbroken but relieved that she mi... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1375119 Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:42:42 +0100 1375119 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/04/10/hospice/ My mother seems to have moved into a twilight place.  She is eating less and less, and sleeping almost all day.  The staff at Garden Manor are wonderful, as is Hospice.  She is always dressed (which must be an ordeal, since she can’t even stand up on her own) and someone has painted her nails and curled her hair.   She is usually sitting in one of the recliners in the common area, which makes me feel better.  I had once fantasized that I would take her home when this time came, but I would not be able to take care of her the way they do. I feel like I’m dreaming.  It’s such a cliché, but that’s the way it feels.  I have spells when I question our decision to call Hospice.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that NOT calling Hospice is a decision, too.  My mother left an advanc... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1364991 Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:38:42 +0100 1364991 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/04/02/another-transition/ We got my mother back to Garden Manor today, but now in the skilled nursing unit.  Many of her friends (staff) from her old unit came by to visit her.  It was the most animated I’d seen her–she smiled broadly, like her old self.  Then she seemed to return to the place she’s been occupying more and more, somewhere deep within.  She sleeps a lot.  She’s having increasing difficulty swallowing.  At times we can hear her lungs softly rattling. Hospice will be in tomorrow.  I am still second-guessing myself about the decisions I’m making.  My mother did leave a living will, which helps, but having to reiterate that she is not to be resuscitated forces us to articulate.  To say of someone you love: No CPR if she goes into cardiac arrest–What kind of l... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1347459 Thu, 03 Apr 2008 00:43:37 +0100 1347459 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/04/01/the-beginning-of-good-bye/ I am slowly allowing myself to realize that this will be my mother’s last infirmity.  I kept playing devil’s advocate with myself as she’s failed over the past couple of weeks–how on earth could she fail so quickly?–but this is one of the ways it happens.  It boils down, I think, to an injury of her spirit.  Something within her is saying, “It’s time to go.” As if on cue, a bed opened up in the skilled nursing unit at Garden Manor, and she’ll be moving back there soon.  Her doctor mentioned something about a feeding tube and I said NO NO NO.  She’s 86 years old (yesterday was her birthday) and the past few years have been difficult for her.  I will have Hospice attend to her.  Right now she is halfway there, I think–s... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1344443 Tue, 01 Apr 2008 23:03:40 +0100 1344443 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/03/30/bad-month/ On March 18 my mother fell at her assisted living and was taken to a local hospital. I had just gotten into work when I got the call–I met her at the ER and so began the long wait. She had a UTI and was dehydrated, but x-rays and CT scans revealed nothing broken. But she was clearly in severe pain that ran down her left leg–whenever someone tried to elevate her upper body she nearly screamed. The doctor admitted her for observation and I was initially pleased with the situation. On the geriatric wing is a large room beside the nurses’ station, with a window between the two and a CNA on duty in the room. My mother was put in this room, which was a relief. Although she was surprisingly calm during the 6-hour emergency room wait, I knew it was only a matter of time before sh... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1337069 Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:37:51 +0100 1337069 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/03/01/aid-attendance-pt-6/ My mother and I met with the man who handles fiduciary matters for the VA here in Providence. He came out to Garden Manor. I arrived early and told my mother that someone would be visiting us in order to have me sign some papers so that she could have some extra income. I started to tell her that this was all the result of Dad’s WWII service but the look on her face told me that this didn’t add up, so I let it drop. She liked the idea of getting extra money each month–this is due more to her lifelong concern with making ends meet than with any awareness of her current financial situation. She does often ask me to give her some cash to keep on hand, claiming that she often needs it, and I usually put this off. When she first moved in I forgot to remove about $40 from her p... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1270614 Sat, 01 Mar 2008 13:52:57 +0100 1270614 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2008/02/03/its-been-awhile/ …since my last post. I don’t like neglecting this blog because I don’t want to suggest that my caregiving stopped when my Mom moved into Garden Manor. In many ways, of course, the caregiving changes. When we had a snowstorm a couple of weeks ago it was nice to know that she was safe and warm beneath a much broader umbrella of care than I could give her. My visiting routine varies, depending upon the class I’m taking, but we always go out for lunch and a ride on Sunday afternoon. Otherwise, I stop by for a short visit after work once or twice during the week. She still brightens up when she sees me. Has our relationship changed? I suppose it has. Neither my mother nor I have ever been touchy-feely in our affections, but I find myself becoming that way with her now.... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1198727 Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:43:37 +0100 1198727 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/10/27/aint-talkin/ Today is mild and rainy. The ground is covered with bright yellow leaves and there are still many more to fall. Last year at this time my mother was in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism, and I was frantically trying to arrange for her to move from rehab right into Garden Manor. That didn’t work, and so she would come home for another month and a half before the move. We are facing a very different holiday season this year. I’ve had it in the back of my mind to formalize Thanksgiving plans, but I don’t want to think about it. I imagine that my sister and I will have dinner at Garden Manor–taking my mother out anywhere would be too disorienting for her. Our usual places will be closed that day, and I can’t see us taking her to a more upscale restaurant for ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=983958 Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:10:54 +0100 983958 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/09/15/aid-attendance-pt-5/ I finally got the thick envelope from the Veterans Administration, and I felt like a high school senior, trying to guess the contents before opening it. The VA awarded my mother the full Aid & Attendance benefit, retroactive to the end of Dec. 2006.  Whew.  BUT because she has Alzheimer’s, they will designate her as “incompetent”, which means they will appoint a fiduciary–another delay before we get any money. They refused to consider my legal power of attorney when I first applied for the benefits, so I had my mother sign the application, even though she understood only broadly what she was signing.  My only alternative was to go to court and get guardianship of her, which would have taken too much time.  I understand from reading VeteranAid.org (I could N... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=873785 Sat, 15 Sep 2007 13:34:27 +0100 873785 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/08/31/same-old-same-old/ A quick entry, just to say that I’ve posted at least once in August. I continue to visit my mother three times each week.  Some days I find her settled, other days–like today–find her agitated.  She’s usually fretting about someone she cannot quite identify.  Today it was someone named “Lily” (the name of my recently-departed dog) who might be coming for supper, but my mother didn’t have any money and what should she do if Lily didn’t show up? I can tell within seconds of arriving what her mood is.  On days like today she is enormously relieved to see me, as if I am bringing with me the answer to all her worries.  When she realizes that I am not, her expression tightens.  I try to change the subject, to reassure her that I will take car... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=836032 Sat, 01 Sep 2007 02:21:38 +0100 836032 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/07/01/suspension-of-disbelief/ I noted to myself yet again the other day how much I enjoy talking to the other residents in my mother’s wing. I’ve mentioned this before and I don’t mean it to sound crass, but I never expected this. What did I expect? Thinking about it now, I wonder if I just didn’t expect the social life that persists in spite of the fractured cognition. I can tell that not all of my mother’s neighbors have Alzheimer’s Disease–some may have vascular dementia or Parkinson’s–but all seem to have some shortcomings in terms of reasoning or emotional control, if not spatial and temporal confusion. A couple of them rarely speak. There is much repetition and short-term memory loss, and something akin to what we called “suspension of disbelief” ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=707682 Mon, 02 Jul 2007 00:38:55 +0100 707682 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/06/23/six-months/ My mother has now been living at Garden Manor for six months, and here is where we stand: On the Aid & Attendance front, I reapplied in late February–four months ago–and have not yet received a decision. I had originally sent the application to the Providence, RI, office of the VA, but received an acknowledgement from the Philadelphia office shortly thereafter so I imagine that’s where the application is sitting. I send them a printout of the cancelled check for my mother’s assisted living rent each month, just to remind them of my situation. My question for them at this point is: If you won’t allow folks to apply for the benefit before they commit themselves to a care situation–forcing them to OVER-commit themselves financially while crossing th... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=692423 Sat, 23 Jun 2007 16:54:58 +0100 692423 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/06/16/slow-boat-to-the-present/ I’ve been mulling over the very insightful comments left by Marty and Gail on my last post. I think Gail summed it up well when she stated that “it’s the tension between ‘doing’ versus ‘being’.” I’ve always been someone who feels that the “being” will come later on–there is just so much that needs to be done right now and therefore no time to just “be.” What Gail says about the demented and routine boils down to living a life that is increasingly and necessarily “in the moment.” I was rereading Joanne Coste’s Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s and found myself interested in her remarks about the loss of depth perception in Alzheimer’s sufferers. There’s a psychological analogy... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=676644 Sat, 16 Jun 2007 18:14:35 +0100 676644 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/06/10/decision-fatigue/ My mother is much quieter when I visit now. Today being Sunday, we took off for our usual lunch and drive. My sister comes along, as does Jasper the Sheltie (who really doesn’t like going for a ride, surprisingly–he runs and hides when I approach with his harness. This is pretty uncharacteristic for a dog and I’m hoping he grows out of it). Garden Manor has a Sunday afternoon barbeque, and today my mother seemed uncertain about whether she wanted to stay for that. Making even a simple decision is almost impossible for her at this point. A choice between coffee and hot chocolate, for example, is prolonged by her insistance that someone else pick for her. It’s a frustrating development at a time when I want to preserve what little choice she has in her life. At first ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=676645 Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:46:12 +0100 676645 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/04/28/blues/ I didn’t want to let April go by without a word. I’ve started several posts over the past two months but have been unable to finish them. I knew that I would have a period of adjustment to my mother’s new living situation, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to find myself depressed. When I was living with my mother I would imagine this time–when I could finally return to my house and have some time to myself–as being light. In some ways it is. Having the time to be alone is a good thing for me. But beneath the moments of solitude and the freedom from worrying about her safety is a lot of grief, I now realize. To be honest, I’m having a very difficult time right now. I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do a number of things–to ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=577887 Sat, 28 Apr 2007 19:28:24 +0100 577887 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/03/13/on-our-way/ I talked to a friend whose mother moved into a nursing home last July. Jen confirmed what I’d heard about adjustment: that it’s incremental and can take several months. The going was rough for awhile–her mother needs care primarily due to physical problems but the physical and emotional stress of failing health and a new environment probably had something to do with the dementia that arose. I remember talking to Jen a few months ago and she was extremely discouraged. But her appreciation for her mother’s home has increased with her mother’s acceptance of it. Her mother, she told me yesterday, is now “at home.” My mother has been at Garden Manor for two and a half months, and I’d say that she’s definitely in the middle stages of her adju... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513063 Wed, 14 Mar 2007 01:13:45 +0100 513063 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/03/10/time-will-tell/ I almost adopted another collie last weekend. I’ve been sneaking a search or two on Petfinder during my workday, and one day I spotted the picture of a beautiful 4-year-old collie up for adoption in Connecticut. I filled out the application and the rescue organization responded enthusiastically. But the owner would be the one to decide, and she wanted–understandably–an adopter who would not have to leave the dog while at work. So that was that, but I couldn’t help myself thinking, “So you don’t think I’d be a good enough caregiver, huh? Your loss.” But I’m still feeling a strong impulse to get another dog. It doesn’t have to be a puppy, but I’m wondering if that might be the path of least resistance. How nice to have a being... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513064 Sun, 11 Mar 2007 03:19:36 +0100 513064 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/02/24/hiatus/ I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from blogging here for a couple of reasons. The main reason is that I’m trying to hit my stride, now that I’ve got work, my home and my mother’s new home on my map. My mother is doing well–she’s still asking to go home, but not as desperately as a few weeks ago. I make a short visit twice during the week, and then we go out for a few hours on Sunday. It’s a slow progress, finding the right balance of time spent with her and time spent away. And I can’t always rely on her reports, which makes it harder to judge how well she’s doing. (She’s told me that all she gets to eat is “leftovers” and that no one has anything to do with anyone else. And a few minutes later she’ll mention the exer... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513065 Sat, 24 Feb 2007 16:28:09 +0100 513065 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/02/06/pictures/ I haven’t been wanting to write much lately. I’m feeling tired and uninspired, just trying to deal with the ups and downs of this spell. A routine is starting to take shape: I visit my mother on Tuesdays and Thursdays right after work. I leave the library at 3:30 and get to Garden Manor by 4. I sit with my mother until dinner, which is served at 5. For the past two Sundays we’ve gone out to lunch and then for a short ride. This seems to be working well for her, although she has accused me of not visiting “for weeks” when I let two days elapse between visits. We had a very nice visit today. I found my mother in the common room, watching TV with several others. She looked happy to see me and, although she did mention hoping to go home, she seemed calm and settle... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513066 Wed, 07 Feb 2007 01:21:35 +0100 513066 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/01/27/letting-go/ Today is colorless and cold, one of those bland, blank winter days. After weeks of unnaturally mild weather we were snapped in two yesterday when the temperature dropped to the single digits. I left for work yesterday morning in 7 degree Fahrenheit air. My car sounded like it was about to fall apart when I started it. Steam billowed out of the stormdrains along the way, and at work a frost had settled on the inside of window beside my workstation. I suppose the season is a good backdrop to my mood. I haven’t been able to settle, and I don’t know how long the guilt and anxiety–mostly guilt–will be daily presences. An inner voice nags me and demands repeated reminders of all the factors that led to the decision to move my mother into assisted living. I’m beginn... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513067 Sat, 27 Jan 2007 23:20:47 +0100 513067 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/01/14/in-transit/ My mother in into her third week at Garden Manor, and I can see that she’s settling in. She has a couple of friends she often sits with and she’s gone on a couple of outings. Last week she had her hair cut and permed. Visiting remains difficult, for both of us, I think. When she sees Liz or me, she begins her lament: she’s anxious, she cries, she has nothing to do, the food is awful, she wishes God would take her, and Why are you being so mean to me? The past few times she’s had her belongings–pictures and clothes–all ready to be packed up. She commands and then she pleads to be taken home. I’m still working on the timing. I’d been going everyday until last Thursday, when I had the much-anticipated post-traumatic migraine, and apparently she ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513068 Sun, 14 Jan 2007 16:05:47 +0100 513068 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2007/01/07/making-the-change/ It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anticipating and planning for the move to assisted living, making the move, and now adjusting to it–each stage has exacted its emotional toll. I began visiting my mother six days after she moved in, and if I had it to do over again, I would visit her earlier. But who knows? There’s no way to hurry the grief and adjustment for her, but I think moving her in and then disappearing for nearly a week (on the advice of the staff) might have confused her more than she would normally have been. I now visit every day. At this point, I don’t know what’s best but this is my gut impulse. The university I work for is now in intersession, so I’m able to leave earlier than usual in the afternoon–I’m off at 3:15 and I can m... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513069 Sun, 07 Jan 2007 21:52:33 +0100 513069 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2006/12/30/assisted-living-pt-5/ This is the first entry I’ve written from my own home. Last night was the first time in two years that I’ve slept in my own bed. I’m having a decidedly mixed reaction to the present. My mother moved into her assisted living unit on Thursday, an experience that lived up to all expectations. I haven’t visited her yet, on the advice of the staff, but I’ve talked twice to her on the telephone. She is extremely angry at me. The staff tell me that she is doing quite well–although not participating yet in activities–and has interacted with the other residents on her unit. But it’ll be a long while before she forgives me. I’ve gone over this and every other option in my head time and time again, and so I know that this is the best I can do for ... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513070 Sun, 31 Dec 2006 04:15:14 +0100 513070 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2006/12/26/assisted-living-pt-4/ My mother went to bed early tonight (about 7:30) but I can hear her up again, wandering into the kitchen, the living room. Today I told her that I’d arranged for her to move to assisted living, and I imagine that she’s unable to sleep because of that. She responded in no uncertain terms that she did NOT want to leave this house, where she has lived for almost 60 years. Every bit of advice I’d received counseled me to be firm. Don’t ask her, tell her. I had rehearsed my words for weeks, wanting to couch my firmness in love and not bossiness. She made a face and then seemed to sink into herself. In the end I couldn’t help myself wanting to discuss it all with her: “What other option is there?” I asked after she agreed that I should move back to my ho... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513071 Wed, 27 Dec 2006 03:27:54 +0100 513071 http://yellowwallpaper.net/blog1/2006/12/10/heart-andor-mind/ Two days ago my cousin telephoned, and my mother answered. I listened to her side of their conversation and thought, “Have I been dreaming? Is she really sick?” She handed the phone to me at one point. “She sounds great,” my cousin said to me. Is this the woman I visited in the nursing home a little over a month ago? The one who was acting out, who wanted to kill herself, who claimed she’d been raped? Oh, we still see the disconnects (she kept referring to my sister as “he” earlier today), but I can deal with that. I can deal with her thinking that I’m her sister, or expecting my father to come home for dinner, because those disconnects don’t alter my mother’s personality, her “self.” She remains essentially herself, o... The Yellow Wallpaper blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=513072 Mon, 11 Dec 2006 01:44:28 +0100 513072