MedWorm.com provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest items from the 'oncRN' source. Sun, 23 Nov 2008 22:54:38 +0100 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-words.html there are no wordsfor the sensation of pushing a new life into the worldthe life that you have cared for the last 9 monthsthe life that kept you awake some nights and alive some daysand there he isthe face you recognize from the sonogramthe warm bluish limbs flailing around on the very belly in which he resided 1 minute beforethere is a swirl of activity and noise and cheers and tearsand all you can say is thank you. and welcome. there are no words for the feeling of adding another member to your familyfor watching the big brothers race in, throw down book bags and race to hold himfor the colossal sweetness that is newbornfor the head of thick black hairfor the general lusciousness of it all that's a lot of words considering i said there were nonelove will do that to you (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1943299 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:01:00 +0100 1943299 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/08/prayers.html Mr. K died quietly last night in his sleep. he was supposed to go home to hospice today. arrangements were made. family was coming in to town. his wife had gotten to a place where she was "ready"."I prayed, damnit!", she cried angrily. "I prayed we'd have one more week together. after everything we've been through, was that too much to ask?!" she is deeply wounded by what she sees as the final insult from an unforgiving enemy. i hug her and tell her i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.and i am. but he had very few platelets and esophageal varices. if that means nothing to you, let me just say that his life could have ended with blood. a lot of it. blood the likes of which his family can't imagine and would not soon forget. instead his heart stopped while he slept. he shed no tears and not a drop of bl... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1704649 Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:59:00 +0100 1704649 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/08/mother-lode.html you eatyou move through your day minding your own business and are overcome by a craving. not a "wouldn't it be nice if i could have..." - no, this is some fight or flight primal "i need an avocado or i will DIE". mr. oncRN is sympathetic to these internal death threats i get. he'll often call when he leaves work to see if there is anything i NEED.you watchthe metamorphosis of your own body. you're aware that all manner of flesh is being laid down. i understand the need for the weight gain. the belly? of course. the hips and breasts? sure. the backs of my arms? not so much. seems totally unnecessary to me.you worrywhat if it won't eat?what it it won't sleep?what if it's a republican?you lie awakein part because the little spleen kicker is awake too.in part because you ate pad thai. and th... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1692091 Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:09:00 +0100 1692091 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/07/brave.html i think it every day.patients are so brave.over and over i see them gritting their teeth, sucking up symptoms, taking risks for a potential benefit, fitting in treatments on their lunch hour, being patient with the phlebotomist who is having a bad day, returning to us...even though they know, at least in the short term, that it's going to hurt...that it has to get worse before it can get better.but, somehow it's not the right word. it sounds cliche and insufficient. most patients would say they aren't brave - that they are just doing what they have to do. but it's how they do it all...with grace and focus.it's all so scary sometimes. and they're brave. trust me. don't let them tell you otherwise.sometimes doctors are brave too.this one is one of my favorite species...the doctor/scientists.... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1668320 Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:51:00 +0100 1668320 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/07/dad.html where was i? oh right, my sanity. i have spent most of this blog examining it - the ways my work tugs at the places in me to which i feel my sanity is anchored...worrying about the potential of losing the sometimes fragile grip i have on it...questioning if, in fact, all this examining and questioning might be healthy and might be the very definition of sanity...honing my tools of the trade for preserving said sanity - learning to invest in and care for people without feeling their pain to the point that i start to think it's my pain, etc, etc.all that, in short, gets shot to hell when your dad becomes the patient. no small part of the aforementioned storm was his new diagnosis of cancer. in your memory it's a blur of belly pain, a phone call from your mother, an ER visit, a strained attem... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1625519 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:41:00 +0100 1625519 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/06/storm.html it's been an interesting stretch of life. not like any other i have ever had.i have been lucky to live the bulk of my life without tragedy and suffering in the circle of people closest to me. i always thought that was one reason i was able to handle such an abundance of both at work. it was a different world.it feels a bit like my worlds have collided.there have been one too many family members, friends of the family, and friends of friends who have had a few symptoms, see a doctor, have some tests, and get the worst news of their life.and of course there is my dear friend, trying to navigate this new life she has been handed, sans the love of her life.what has become crystal clear is that there is no magic pill, no silver bullet, no conventional wisdom, no piece of scripture or words of R... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1546570 Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:00:00 +0100 1546570 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/03/serenity.html you're not ready to use the past tense when you talk about him.you don't know how to process the beautiful and harrowing truth that life just goes on. time....patience....i know.my friend - she's surviving. in so many ways, she is what she has always been. she's suffering, yes - she's also poised and beautiful - she's rock solid in her faith and her role as a mother.she's jackie o. then you see the kids and feel that all your crying isn't enough - that you should be bleeding. your boys are always asking you what super powers you would choose if you could - now you know - you'd make yourself a giant sponge and absorb all the pain and sadness and fear from these kids so they'd feel whole and safe and happy again. then it would just be a matter of finding a place to wring that sucker out.you ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1274778 Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:04:00 +0100 1274778 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/02/always.html you're driving home. you call your husband to say you're stuck in traffic. you see lights and a helicopter in the distance and know that someone is having the worst day of their life.hours later you get a call. it's your oldest friend who's having that day. it was her husband in that helicopter. her husband who died. your friend is a widow at 36. with six kids. six.you hear the words the woman on the phone is telling you, then you can't hear anything because someone is screaming. it takes a minute before you realize it's you. your husband comes running, 'what happened?! what happened?!'. you tell him and watch his face fold and his body collapse onto the bed heaving and shuddering.you know you have to go see her, but you're hesitating. you tell yourself you're hesitating because of the sno... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1251088 Sat, 23 Feb 2008 03:20:00 +0100 1251088 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/02/skin.html the largest organ...the barrier...it breathes...it protects...it blushes...it gets cut and heals...it sweats...it glows...it toughens under the sun's rays...and wrinkles in waterthe skin of my patients shows they've been to hell and back.there are scars. thanks to biopsies, catheters, needle sticks, vaccines, rashes, iv's, skin grafts, feeding tubes, trachs. vivid, wordless legacies that recall suffering and fear...and healing.there are colors. if you've never seen them, i'm glad for you. few things rattle me as much as running into a patient after a few months and seeing a sick complexion. their eyes and their smile and their hug tell one story, but their skin tells another. it's a yellowish, grayish, non-humanish hue that can bring tears to my eyes in an instant. a color that makes me wa... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1235956 Sat, 16 Feb 2008 04:34:00 +0100 1235956 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/01/night.html sometimes i wake up suddenly for no particular reason. and even though it's the middle of the night, and i have to get up early, and i reeeeeally want to be sleeping, it quickly becomes clear that it's just not going to happen. so i reluctantly leave my warm bed and the steady even breathing of my husband. show off.i get up and pad around quietly. i always feel like i'm robbing my own house. like if i got caught i'd have some explaining to do. i lie down next to the warm little bodies i tucked in several hours before, and do a little re-tucking. i listen to them breathe. i feel their heads to be sure they're not cold. i tuck the hippo back up under the arm and turn up the heater a notch.i remember a time when most of my friends were single and/or living fairly carefree lives and you could ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1184633 Tue, 29 Jan 2008 02:06:00 +0100 1184633 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2008/01/witness.html dear doctor,for what it's worth, i saw it all. i saw the dread in your eyes, and your chest deflate when those labs popped up on the screen. i saw you squeeze your fists together and gently rest your head on them. then i saw you psych yourself up with a sip of your coffee and a deep breath.i saw you wince at the hope and lightheartedness in the room when we walked in. i saw you greet them and eek out a smile. when you started talking, and he grabbed his wife's hand, i saw you pull on your collar with one finger tip, like someone had just cranked your tie tighter. i saw your foot, that ususally circles calmly while you talk, swinging sharply back and forth.i watched you dig for the right words. when they didn't come, i saw you slide your chair closer, put your hand on his knee - and then he... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1176043 Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:30:00 +0100 1176043 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/12/wonder.html i wonder. a lot.about this whole life and death business.you call because you care and you worry and you wonder.but beware, it could go something like this:me:hey, did mr. d get discharged?her:(awkward oncologic silence)me:oh my god! what happened?!her:i’m so sorry. he died on sunday. me:oh my god……..anyone else?her:mr. c. last night. i’m so sorry. i was going to call you.me:oh my god…… geez……… shit.note to self: do not call while on vacation to check on patients.information you learn could negate the ‘vacation’ part of the vacation.so let me get this straight. life goes on without me. and so does death. and i can’t always be there. not that i want to be or anything would have been different if i had. it’s just that i’ve sort of been assigned as their personal ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1123226 Mon, 31 Dec 2007 21:37:00 +0100 1123226 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/11/full-day.html taking care of cancer patients every day makes me:inspiredappreciate my bodywonder how i will diewant to get a cbc everytime my gums bleedcry sometimes for no reason. or for every reason. depends on how you look at it.hug excessivelya wee bit self-righteous about my work being harder than other people'sgratefulinvigoratedwant to snort lines of antioxidantsexhausted beyond comprehensionreally bad at the whole planning for the future thinga more sensitive parentirritated with god...sometimes all before 9:00am (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1031018 Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:52:00 +0100 1031018 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/04/waiting.html sometimes i dread the waiting room. truth be told, if i could scale the outside wall of the building and rappel down the other side to avoid walking through several time a day, i would. it's not the conversations i'd like to avoid, it's all the eyes.everyone is there waiting for something they don't want. they're anxious. they're inexplicably bored by the Architectural Digest circa 1998 littering the end tables. they're unimpressed with the accommodations that focus on the pretentious and are a little light on comfort. personally, i say screw the hardwood floors - people need windows, skylights, plants, truly comfortable chairs, complimentary chocolate.walking through is sometimes uneventful. more often, though, it's a series of greetings - waves, smiles, occasional hugs. it's patients giv... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=966873 Sun, 21 Oct 2007 22:34:00 +0100 966873 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/10/regret.html there’s a lot to be said for being your own best advocate. for knowing as much as you can know. for standing up for yourself. for educating yourself. for questioning.sometimes there’s even more to be said for listening to the experts. for knowing that all the googling in the world can’t take the place of the thousands of patients this doctor has treated over 3 decades and the experience she has gained doing so. a physician that has devoted her career, if not her life, to one disease. a physician that is looked at as a resource by her colleagues across the country. it’s not that she can’t be wrong, it’s just that she’s worth listening to. i knew when i met her that her disease was bad. it was the thinning in her hair, the skin color that was indescribably off , the splitting n... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=962475 Fri, 19 Oct 2007 01:51:00 +0100 962475 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/09/gray.html when a colleague dies, business as usual disappears and everyone walks around with their heart at half mast. there’s a fog and a confusion that is exchanged in wordless glances . there are puffy eyes, heavy sighs, and lots of tight- lipped sympathetic smiles.when that colleague dies of cancer, it’s worse. it’s more unbelievable, more sad, more wrong. there are too many levels of tragedy and irony.i’m glad it was gray and cool out. bright sun would have felt like an intrusion or like the skies were celebrating, and that would have felt wrong.if i wasn’t already, i am officially the town cryer. ‘i wish i could cry freely’, one of my physicians said. ‘it’s a gift’, i told him drawing a tissue from the holster on my hip. (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=875140 Sun, 16 Sep 2007 23:24:00 +0100 875140 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/08/13-years.html one of the only things i know for sure is that starting and ending my days with him casts something wonderful over my life. it's a twice a day scheduled dose of warm and calm and right. i love him.there's not much not to love. men love him because he is such a guy. he instinctively knows how to build or fix anything. he's a natural at climbing a mountain or kayaking a river. women love him because he does that and everything else without toxic doses of machismo and swaggering. when i met his work friends for the first time, the biggest and burliest stepped forward, shook my hand and said, 'hi, you must be sweetie.' now that's awesome. there are entire books written about how to 'get' a man like him - kind, loyal, supportive. and when i say kind, i don't mean nice. nice is everywhere. nice... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=796987 Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:24:00 +0100 796987 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/08/things-i-could-live-without.html realizing 4 minutes into a 12 hour shift that i've made a horrible underwear selection.the expression 'nuff said'. i just become aware of it and i don't like it. i thought it was a little cute the first time it was written to me in an email, but i'm over that. today i saw a bumper sticker that said Hawaiin - nuff said. no, not nearly nuff said. i don't know what you're saying.other people's phlegm. don't want to hear it expectorated. don't want to step over it on the sidewalk. don't want to wrestle into a cup to send for culture. just don't want anything to do with it.the expression 'be that as it may'. nuff saidthat zit on my chin that seems to have its own pulsethe practice of carrying small dogs in pursesthat thing where you take care of a patient for 12 hours straight, spending most of... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=790504 Thu, 09 Aug 2007 17:37:00 +0100 790504 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/07/nurse-secrets-vol-1.html (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=745458 Fri, 20 Jul 2007 02:14:00 +0100 745458 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/06/misery.html she:wasted.starving.cancer is leaching her body of everything it needs to look and feel well.the eye sockets tell it all.hollow.he:hands - wringingknuckles - whitelegs - wound tightly. like DNAfoot - swinging urgentlyeyes - tearingbrow - furrowedworried - sickone cancer. two patients.heartache all around.she: 'can i smoke pot...for the nausea...for the misery?'me: of coursei hope they both smoke it.maybe i should have given them a prescription for Doritos. (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=700637 Wed, 27 Jun 2007 18:10:00 +0100 700637 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/06/thanks.html i love that feeling - being the bearer of good news. telling the alpha male body builder with leukemia that we can barely detect his disease - that his numbers are the lowest they've been in 4 years - that what we did appears to be working. it's worth a thousand bad days at work to see him well up, rise out of his chair and give me a big alpha male body builder hug. my feet left the ground. he hugged me so tightly that even through a pectoralis the size of my head, i could still hear his heart racing, pounding with incredulous joy. 'thank you. thank you', he kept repeating while balancing eyelids full of tears, willing them not to actually fall. he gave the doctor one of those testosterone-mediated aggressive handshake/back slap combos, but i know he really wanted to kiss him. silly men.wh... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=674323 Thu, 14 Jun 2007 13:11:00 +0100 674323 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/06/onkos.html from the greek roots index:ONCOLOGY, from Greek... to carry... with derived noun onkos, a burden, mass, hence a tumor.a burden indeed.the burden of disfigurementthe burden of worrythe burden of painthe burden of hours spent waiting for appointments and resultsthe burden of needle sticks and missed needle sticks and biopsies and surgeriesthe burden of being told you're one of the lucky ones and wondering when you're going to start feeling lucky (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=674324 Tue, 12 Jun 2007 01:20:00 +0100 674324 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/06/quote.html patient quote of the day:we are going over the consent for a clinical trial and i am reviewing possible side effects. he interrupts and says, " you know i've had every weird symptom imaginable over the last 3 years. just hit the highlights - just tell me how high it's likely to register on my Weird-Shit-O-Meter."that makes me want to design a clinical trial to study the WSOM and see if we couldn't standardize it for all to use. (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=650526 Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:12:00 +0100 650526 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/05/great-stuff.html ever just wake up feeling pissy? probably because you went to sleep pissy...probably because there was some combustible combination of fatigue, stress, hormones, and a family tiff colliding to form a perfect storm of discontent? me either. but some of my best friends are pissy...at the risk of sounding like pollyanna in a white cap, my work is really good for this - for treating episodes of nondescript pissiness. it's virtually impossible to move from patient to patient listening...crying a wee bit (not the hormones - you can't prove it)...talking about some seriously scary shit and not emerge with an altered perspective on your own situation.today the sadness and intensity were a soothing balm to my mini wounds, somehow filling in the cracks and making me stronger. it reminded me of great... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=650527 Fri, 01 Jun 2007 00:40:00 +0100 650527 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/05/gambler.html 'guess where i am?''on your way in to see me for your appointment in an hour?''nope. vegas.''reeeeeally. that's funny because after your transfusion yesterday you said see you tomorrow!''yeah i knew you all wouldn't think it was a good idea, so i just kept that to myself. i just had to get out - get away, ya know? i'm a risk taker, remember? i told you that the first day you met me.''yeah, i remember. but i also remember that you asked us to save your life and you being in vegas is going to make that significantly more difficult. and can i just say that, as a person, i have so much respect for you right now but, as a nurse, you are freaking me out.''oh now i didn't call to worry you. i'll be back for my next appointment, i promise.''why did you call, then?''to find out what your lucky numb... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=611141 Wed, 16 May 2007 00:49:00 +0100 611141 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/05/real.html i first met her in February. she was preparing to enroll on a clinical trial and she, her husband, the physician, and i met to talk about it.'she's a fighter, doc', said her husband tearing up and beaming at the same time, "that's why we're still here".i loved that he linked his own survival to her ability to fight - we're still here.'you gotta get us to October, doc...it's our 50th anniversary. we gotta see that together''we're going to do everything we can...i can assure you of that,' said doc thinking, as i was, that October never seemed farther away.she had ample opportunity to display that she was indeed a fighter. she had pain that we couldn't figure out along with the constipation and confusion from the narcotics for the pain that we couldn't figure out. she had fevers that wouldn't... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=590753 Thu, 03 May 2007 17:43:00 +0100 590753 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/05/dear-young-oncologist-please-banish.html Dear young oncologist,Please banish this response from your repertoire,"We'll tell you when to worry", complete with a sympathetic smile and a pat on the knee.she's 38 and has 3 children and in incurable leukemia, you as her physician are not in control of her worrying. of course she'll worry no matter what you say or don't say, no matter how she responds to treatment - she'll worry. it's neither insightful, nor helpful, nor therapeutic to suggest that she shouldn't or that you are capable of relieving her of that. it's patronizing and paternalistic and lazy. don't you see that?...that sinking in the eyes and the spirit when she brings up her deepest fears and you shut her down with a superficial canned remark like that?i hope for you that your humanitarian side will catch up with your int... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=582369 Tue, 01 May 2007 13:24:00 +0100 582369 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/04/something.html i'm having this unbearable urge to write something, but all the ruckus in my head is refusing to form itself into meaningful thoughts or stories. so how 'bout this instead...the train lost power this morning and we had to sit underground for an hour. after several minutes of nothing - as in no announcement acknowledging that things had become very dark and sedentary - we were herded, a la holstein, all into one car.it might not have been so bad if they didn't keep saying 'it'll just be another 5 minutes'.and it might not have been so bad if they didn't keep referring to the train on its way as 'the rescue train'.and then there were the 8 cops that appeared out of nowhere and positioned themselves throughout the car without explanation - that was soothing.people were upset. what started out... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=574770 Fri, 27 Apr 2007 19:57:00 +0100 574770 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/04/hope-revisited.html leave it to Cathy to notice it was my blogiversary before i did. such a good blog mom. it's strange to read the first post and remember. some of those early posts felt like emotional vomiting. they were true purges and i remember i would feel tremendous relief after writing them. even more relief after i brushed my teeth. that was my impetus for starting a blog - to purge. to release. to get it all out.but it quickly turned into more. this whole public writing process helped me face for the first time the ethos of my childhood that had seamlessly become the pathos of my adulthood - no one is listening. after a year of generous readers leaving comments and emails- after my last post where i received some of the most amazing visitors with incredibly thoughtful comments, i feel obliged to let... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=522454 Thu, 05 Apr 2007 01:02:00 +0100 522454 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/03/fog.html when i leave work after a patient dies, i expect the world to be different. and the fact that is isn't shocks me...every time. it leaves me in a fog - it's that i can't interact with anyone who hasn't seen someone die today fog. i don't want to be in solitary - i want to be among people, i just don't want to have to talk to any of them. maybe if i wear a pin that says something subtle, along the lines of:my patient just diedplease don't talk to mehave a nice dayi'm always afraid that some poor soul may ask me a question such as 'paper or plastic?' and that some force greater than me may blurt out 'who gives a shit?!'. thus far, this fear is unfounded. i always just answer 'paper'. that's usually where i end up, though - stores. i might browse clothing or shoe or book stores. i might wander... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=488855 Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:38:00 +0100 488855 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/03/i-feel-pretty.html i was featured in a post by Shane who pointed out that the look of my blog didn't really match my style of writing. we here at oncRN agree wholeheartedly and decided to make a few changes. it's been almost a year since i started and i'm just throwing myself a little debutante-coming-of-age party. when i travel, i take pictures of windows. i have a thing for them. they let us see out. they let us see in. they let in the light. they offer separation from the other side, but they also give us a view into it. as i was going through my collection, trying to find one to post here, it occurred to me that this blog has been a window of sorts for me. seeing the contents of my heart and brain in plain text has allowed me to see my career and my life and myself in a way that i had not been able to be... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477513 Fri, 16 Mar 2007 00:30:00 +0100 477513 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/03/what.html i'm notoriously bad with song lyrics. i can only take comfort in the fact that my sister is worse. but we both have been know to butcher songs and proudly sing totally inane lyrics for decades at a time, only to overhear someone else sing it and say, 'wait a minute...what did you just say?'a few years ago a sarah maclachlin song made its way onto the ipod and into multiple mixes and song shuffles. i always loved when it came up in the rotation and started to think of it as my theme song. the chorus (so i thought) said, 'i'm a dreamer waiting to happen.....' - not that 'dreamer waiting to happen' makes any sense per se, but i just thought it kind of described me in an artsy way. that's right, i thought i was artsy. i didn't know any of the rest of the song, but it was just catchy and spoke ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477514 Fri, 02 Mar 2007 20:00:00 +0100 477514 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/02/rain.html she could count on half a hand the number of times this has happened in her career. she got to leave early. the death was that bad, that horrific, that sad - the clean up was downright disturbing. for once, she wasn't told to take the next admission, she was just told to leave. so she did. it should have meant an unexpected trip to the library or the coffee shop, but it was 3am and her options were limited.it is the middle of the night and raining - the rational thing would be to go home and go to bed. but she's never let rational get in the way of a really bad idea before and this would be no exception.she drives in the dark - a voyeur to what her neighborhood looks like when it's sleeping. who knew there were all these stray dogs...they seem to own the place. there are no red lights, onl... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477515 Mon, 26 Feb 2007 20:02:00 +0100 477515 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/02/docs.html i know i've been hard on physicians in other posts - mostly all in good humor, though. i can't help it - i'm very sensitive to absurdity. and at our weekly conferences, absurdity abounds. sometimes the discussion veers off to molecular chimerism or something equally over my head, and my mind tends to wander. i get obsessed with watching them - like jane goodall observing the chimps....the larger males argue raucously with each other in between various non-hygenic scratchings...the dominant females exhibit bizarre body language meant to convey indignation...both sexes shoveling in food like they haven't eaten in a week...young ones nervously gnawing on their cuticles. in my field notes i scribble:1. i have nothing in common with them except opposable thumbs2. if they start picking ticks off... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477516 Thu, 22 Feb 2007 17:54:00 +0100 477516 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/02/diving.html it was one of those days that makes you get in your car at the end of it and say wow...or whoa...or i can't believe i get paid for this...or did i pee today? the kind of day where you find yourself at the intersection of tragedy, hope, celebration, and grieving...once an hour...for eight hours. a day when it seemed like you might go under a few times, but you never did, and you somehow came out on top.today started as an index card shoved in my pocket with 25 tasks to complete - each with a little checkbox beside it - each that needs to be done at a specific time - each that needs to be done well - really well. it feels like an art somedays, like a science on others - zipping from patient, to patient, to lab, to computer, to pharmacy, to patient, to computer, to patient, to patient, to pha... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477517 Tue, 20 Feb 2007 01:58:00 +0100 477517 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/02/relics.html 'should i bronze them or burn them?'i hesitated to answer, because she was holding her breasts at the moment she asked the question. turns out she was holding her breasts (long story) but referring to the shoes she was wearing. relieved that we were talking about bronzing shoes and not nipples, we were able to have an amazing conversation.someone had given her these shoes when she was diagnosed and she has worn them here every day since september. they have literally carried her through this harrowing experience, and they will carry her back home. her question is a fascinating one - does this tangible memorial to her disease and treatment spark a sense of triumph or despair? that question has always interested me - the role of relics in grieving and recovery. why do we love them? why do we... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477518 Wed, 07 Feb 2007 18:24:00 +0100 477518 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/01/hands.html years ago, a delightful old woman told me in the midst of her suffering...'it's too bad i'm not a golden retriever...this would all be over by now.'i thought of her when i attended a multi-disciplinary meeting in our cancer center where the issues of palliation, death, and end of life care were discussed. i thought about her point that, in our culture, we often do a better job with animals' suffering than with our fellow humans'.the stated objective of the meeting was for providers to be able to discuss their feelings on these subjects. it ended up being not so much about feelings. it was physician-led and involved lots of graphs. but oh well. baby steps.many doctors did speak up saying, 'i could never knowingly participate in a patient's death... it goes against the oath i took...it feels... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477519 Sun, 21 Jan 2007 14:37:00 +0100 477519 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/01/next-door.html 7am and night shift lets us know the patient in room 8 is getting sicker by the hour.he's probably going to code on our shift.we all tell his nurse to call us when she needs us.until then, we'll go about our day with our own patients.first stop for me - rosie. i love this woman. she is bossy and honest and pissed off that she's here. i find her awake early, as usual, out of bed and reading the paper.'gimme a clue, i'm bored' she said. she knows i sometimes carry the day's crossword puzzle in my pocket.'5 letter word for caustic - i think it starts with A''hmmmm, i'll have to think about that...hey what happened to the guy next door last night - the nurses were in there all night - i couldn't sleep at all.''he has gotten really sick, really quick. you know i can't tell you much more than th... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477520 Fri, 19 Jan 2007 20:29:00 +0100 477520 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/01/critics.html this was a first for me. i got my emotional hand slapped by some anonymous rulers in my comment section. i got told, essentially, that good nurses don't feel that way.it's strange to read such hostility directed at me...at my character. it's so tempting to try and backtrack...re-tell the story...make my point differently or better... defend myself. but that is a dead end. when you make your words public, people will make assumptions about you, for better or worse. they will tell me i was great, when i wasn't. they will tell me i failed, when i didn't. i'd be crazy to hold tight to any of the opinions.i am sure that reading a collection of nursing blogs on any given day could prove utterly horrifying for patients. mine, like so many others, is a place where all of the fear and hope and frus... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477521 Thu, 18 Jan 2007 14:34:00 +0100 477521 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/01/rant.html this goes out to the 1% of patients who truly piss me off...i know your slip says you'll get treated at 11:00.i know it is now 11:30 and we still haven't started.if this was Denny's and i was your waitress, i would feel really bad.but it isn't and i'm not, so i don't.people die every year because they were written for or received the wrong dose of chemotherapy. we have a system in place where multiple people check to make sure you are getting what you are supposed to be getting. no amount of bullying or threatening is going to make me rush the process that is in place to protect you. i understand it's incredibly inconvenient for you but so are maiming and death, from what i understand.you said you were going to 'report' me. just a sidenote, dude, if you're going to report people, it should... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477522 Tue, 16 Jan 2007 21:05:00 +0100 477522 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2007/01/holidays-sushi-and-alchemy.html it's normal life rhythms interrupted by parties and dinners and out-of-town family and1/2 days and unusual amounts of presents and chocolate. it's balancing my kids' unadulterated joy at home with a sadness at work so sharp it makes me cringe. it's blurry, strangely cozy...hollow and full at the same time.it's a whole family piled on their mom's bed watching Gerald Ford coverage and eating chocolatesit's that same mom telling me she knows it's her last christmasit's her daughters sobbing in the hallway saying they're not readyit's her husband asking me tough questionsit's giving honesty that sounds vulgur with carols playing in the backgroundit's that look...i know that look...the jaw tightening, the tears collecting...he loves and hates me for being the messengerit's time to go home...to ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477523 Tue, 02 Jan 2007 04:12:00 +0100 477523 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/still-here.html it's easy to do. to assume that cancer is the worst thing in their lives. the thing that worries them the most. the thing that keeps them up at night. the thing that makes them cry.she's the quintessential little old lady...80 years old, an ever-shrinking 4' 8'' thanks to a shortened, twisted spine protruding from her back, slightly deaf, sweet as honey...just altogether too cute for words. always accompanied by her husband of the same age - equally cute but from a slightly sturdier stock - no health problems, no medications, plays on a baseball team for seniors (that's right, baseball...80 years old...love it). always accompanied means every visit for her 43 cycles of treatment - 43! she had one foot in the grave when we met her 3 years ago and our last-ditch effort turned out to be her w... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477524 Mon, 27 Nov 2006 20:58:00 +0100 477524 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/filter.html i've said it on this site before - some days being a nurse is playing a role. it's knowing that i have a lot of delicate information about the people i am caring for and if i empty the contents of my head, without filtering, i am bound to alienate, offend, and/or scare the crap out of patients. the delivery of information is a huge responsiblity and it makes my skin crawl when i hear other nurses forgetting that.example: i entered the clinic and asked of another nurse, 'excuse me, have you heard from mrs. n yet today?' she answered, 'oh, it's not lookin' good. she is one sick puppy. soon as she gets here, i'm gonna culture her out the wazoo'. this said in a waiting room full of oncology patients peering out over their masks like a band of immunocompromised bank robbers.come on...could you ... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477525 Mon, 13 Nov 2006 20:15:00 +0100 477525 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/blog.html i have gotten some very interesting emails lately. i never had an email address posted on this site but added it recently and lo and behold, voices came from the great void. these are thoughtful, articulate people with various reactions to things i have written. as touching as their sentiments is the fact that they took the time to convey them. one of the emails asked me what this whole blog thing means to me and it just got me thinkin'...i have read other people's posts and comments about what a blog should be and it makes me think of my own, of course. i'm not immediatley stirred when i read of all the shoulds. i'm not like my youngest son who was born a card carrying member of the 'Spostas'...that's sposta go there...they're not sposta be doing that...what are we sposta be doing? i have... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477526 Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:11:00 +0100 477526 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/rumsfeld.html hallefallujah! (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477527 Wed, 08 Nov 2006 18:44:00 +0100 477527 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/go-blue.html i have decided there is one line that i don't mind waiting in. and i know i just ended that sentence with a preposition. and because of that, i know somewhere out there my mother is restless and uncomfortable and doesn't know why.anyway, that line would be the line to vote. i was part of the enormous after-work crowd that inundated my local polling center. standing in line, i was struck by this long, diverse, patient, quiet crowd snaking around the school cafeteria. it was 7pm and everyone there would have rather been home. it was nice and i was basking in the goodness of it. i think i felt a little patriotic, a little proud, a little camaraderie, and part of something important. the basking was brought to an abrupt halt when the man in front of me felt compelled to download all of the maj... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477528 Wed, 08 Nov 2006 02:41:00 +0100 477528 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/11/time.html another time, another place we would have been friends. what am i saying...we are friends. we never meet without exchanging books. you called me from a cafe in paris just because you felt cool doing so. i called you when my dog died, because i knew you'd cry with me...we are friends.you are also my patient - details, details.know why i like you?you are wise and humble and funny - my three favorite qualities in people.you are also brave and eloquent and did i mention funny? you are really funny.you get as ridiculously excited about good books as i do...giving dramatic full-body renditions of plot lines. and as you are practically climbing out of your seat with excitement telling me i have to read something, i know i'm stopping at the bookstore on the way home. your enthusiasm is infectious.... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477529 Mon, 06 Nov 2006 19:14:00 +0100 477529 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/10/dnr.html there was a very well written article in the new york times this week on the subject of the DNR (do not resuscitate) order. it is a pretty thorough primer on the subject. curiously, this article appeared in the science section which is a fascinating social commentary. i see that they have since moved it to the perfectly good health section right next to it. perhaps a perfect starting point for a discussion on how and where the understanding of death, and life for that matter, fits into our cultural fabric.not surprisingly, among layfolk, there is a great deal of suspicion, if not outright fear, surrounding the whole topic of obtaining this order and its ramifications. i think a lot of people can imagine wanting to be a DNR in the setting of a terminal illness, but then fear, once they've m... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477530 Fri, 13 Oct 2006 12:16:00 +0100 477530 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/10/i-wanna-be-snack-lady.html i've got my eye on her job. she pushes her donation-funded, well-stocked cart all day handing out treats. i want to hand out treats. i want to give oreos instead of worsening lab results; jelly beans instead of bad news.i mean, really. how did i end up here? i'm really not emotionally competent for this. one day last week, i just couldn't stop crying. the two leaky faucets, formerly known as my eyes, had red rims. i had to make up stories all day about having allergies. maybe i am allergic...to estrogen...or sadness...or cancer. if i could desensitize myself to my cancer allergy, would i? should i? if i developed immunity, would i find peace or would i need to find a new job? can i only do this well if i'm steeping in the emotion of it all? oh how do i annoy me... let me count the ways.pro... oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477531 Mon, 09 Oct 2006 14:43:00 +0100 477531 http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2006/09/reminder.html 38 years old 1 husband 5 children 8 days ago, life was normal. 1 headache, 20 bruises, 1 scan, and 2 biopsies later, she gets 1 nasty diagnosis. 10 percent chance this treatment will kill her100 percent chance this disease will kill her without it 0 great choices 1 profoundly bad day in the life of this family 1 more reminder to hold tight the ones i love tonight peace (Source: oncRN) oncRN blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=477533 Sat, 30 Sep 2006 01:36:00 +0100 477533