MedWorm provides a medical RSS filtering service. Over 6000 RSS medical sources are combined and output via different filters. This feed contains the latest medical blog items that have been tagged with 'anxiety attacks'. Sat, 03 Sep 2011 02:51:08 +0100 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3987218&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F09%2Fit-starts-with-heart.html “How many loaves of bread are you getting today?” mom asked me when it started. I had been feeling shaky all morning. I came home from work and took a 2 and 1/2 hour nap and woke up feeling panicked. I shouldn’t have gone. I clutched my chest as mom looked up at my lack of response. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “I am starting to have an anxiety attack,” I told her, asking for the keys to her car. The grocery store was very busy was part of it. I felt claustrophobic and closed in within the narrow, crowded aisles. Mom was also asking me a hundred questions today as is her custom and it wasn’t helping matters. I just felt totally overwhelmed. “Go sit in the car and I will buy your groceries,” mom told me. “I pretty much know what you like.” I raced out to the car at a... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3987218 Mon, 20 Sep 2010 18:18:00 +0100 3987218 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3805875&cid=t_155640_109_f&fid=34750&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpsychcentral.com%2Fblog%2Farchives%2F2010%2F07%2F30%2Frecovering-from-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-cfs%2F Today I have the pleasure of interviewing Jody Smith, creator of the website www.ncubator.ca, who spent 15 years losing the battle against Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Three years ago, she found treatment that worked for her and is making a comeback. In the process, she’s helping a lot of people. (You can check out her blog, “ncubator” by clicking here.) You tried many treatments and finally you got there. What worked? Jody: My naturopath believed that my liver needed relief from its toxic load, and my immune system needed building up. She put me on a tincture with natural antivirals and adaptogens and vitamins in it, and put me on omega3 oil. I’d gone low carb some years before which had made quite a difference. I did dry skin brushing with a loofah, to help lymph mov... World of Psychology blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3805875 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:32:43 +0100 3805875 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3763045&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F07%2Fmidnight-in-chattahoochee-valley.html I couldn’t sleep last night after sleeping for about four hours.  I was wide awake at midnight.  I had two Klonopin to take which usually make me sleepy as they are very sedating, but I knew to save them for the next afternoon – ever mindful of that anxiety that always hits the most late in the day.  I got online and applied for countless fast food jobs just for the hell of it – interested in if I would get some calls.  I also applied for a job opening as a grocery clerk at Kroger -- putting feelers out there.  The assessment tests on these online applications were interesting in what they would ask – only a moron would answer incorrectly the questions were so obvious in their solutions.  I wandered down to the convenience store well after midnight.&nb... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3763045 Sat, 17 Jul 2010 17:56:00 +0100 3763045 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3733275&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F07%2Fpossible-parolee.html “George might be eligible for parole in October!” Florene told me over the phone very animatedly and excitedly tonight. “I talked to him on the phone late this afternoon.  He said he is going to have to wear an alcohol monitoring device for months, though.  Possibly a year.” “How did he feel about that?” I asked excited, but worried about my friends tendency to drink without thought.  The urge to drink can be all encompassing for an alcoholic at times.  “He said he was willing to do anything to get out of jail,” she told me. “He promised me.  He said he would gladly give up drinking for his freedom. Andrew, he sounds so miserable!” I can only hope my dear best friend gets home before Christmas.  October would be a boon. If George doesn’t ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3733275 Wed, 07 Jul 2010 23:32:00 +0100 3733275 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3726757&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F07%2Fmy-trial-by-fire-first-day-is-under-my.html Well, I made it there and back again this morning. I survived one of my hardest mentally and physically taxing days in years.  I really haven’t worked in eight years as I’ve said many times and I am home again after four hours of my first day of work.  I worked from eight till noon this first day to break me in gently for which I was much relieved.  I don’t think I could’ve worked much longer than that for the first day.  I will probably be working longer hours as the weeks progress my supervisor said and that will be my true trial by fire. They only have two people doing my job and it is a 24 hour store.  A teenager comes in the afternoons and works the second shift.  Can I work an eight hour day of standing on my feet all day?  My mental illness... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3726757 Mon, 05 Jul 2010 16:59:00 +0100 3726757 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3724564&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F07%2Fcharlie-to-rescue.html “You look so good today!” Charlie exclaimed after entering my house. “You just washed your hair. Let me smell it. You really do fix up nice.  You’re such a good looking man.” Charlie brushed my wet hair with his hand and then gave me a strong hug in greeting.  I relished the close contact with him and the hug.  I’ve been so lonely today. Maggie was just about going bonkers at Charlie’s arrival.  She was doing her little happy dance in the floor at Charlie’s feet.  Standing up on her hind legs. “Yes! I love you too!” Charlie told her as he reached down and rubbed the nape of her neck vigorously. “How has your day been?” Charlie asked me. “I worry about that anxiety you’ve been experiencing.  You really struggle. Don’t you?” “Th... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3724564 Sun, 04 Jul 2010 23:10:00 +0100 3724564 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3724565&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F07%2Fscared-of-employment.html Tomorrow is the big grand day.  I start work bright and early in the morning at eight.  I am so very, very nervous, but I am not feeling that terrible anxiety today as I normally would on such an occasion. I am actually feeling very, very good today mentally and it is so nice for a change.  Mental Illnesses are so funny as in weird.  You never know what each day may bring.  Maybe that is a good sign – a good omen. Maybe I will go to work tomorrow and stun and dazzle them with my ability to do a good job without agonizing and debilitating anxiety attacks and crazy mental shit. I don’t want to embarrass myself on the first day of work with my mental illnesses. My biggest fear is having a big enough anxiety attack where I have to leave work and go sit in the quiet... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3724565 Sun, 04 Jul 2010 18:51:00 +0100 3724565 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3706896&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F06%2Fmidday-report_28.html I went to bed early this morning at 7am and awoke at 1pm and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was so, so disappointed.  I walked into the den and started up a Coast to Coast AM show from last year and then put some bread in the toaster for lunch. I so wanted to sleep the day away, but to no avail.  Once I am up, I am up.  Maybe I will take a long nap later. I do hope so.  I wish I was like Maggie and could sleep on a whim.   Maggie’s on the bed enjoying the cool air from the fan on the floor.  It is eighty degrees in here – just like I like it.  I was hoping to sleep through that tough period I experience from around lunch till 7pm.  Sometimes you just don’t win the prize or bring home the bacon. I can feel that anxiety creeping in des... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3706896 Mon, 28 Jun 2010 18:01:00 +0100 3706896 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3545616&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F05%2Fmental-health-woes.html “You can’t drive when you are like this,” dad told me the other day as he yanked my car keys from my hand.  “You are outta your gourd as far as your mental illness is concerned.  You don’t even know what day of the week it is.” I was busily packing up my car with all the things I needed to live successfully on the few thousand acres of land my family owns.   I had put so much in the car that you couldn’t see out the rear view mirror and back window.   I was going live homeless in the woods where no one could find me or bother me – my social anxieties had been screaming for a break from life for days.   I was also extremely delusional my father told me.  “You were making up some wild and convoluted stories that just did not make... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3545616 Fri, 07 May 2010 14:56:00 +0100 3545616 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3542850&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F05%2Fmental-health-woes.html “You can’t drive when you are like this,” dad told me the other day as he yanked my car keys from my hand.  “You are outta your gourd as far as your mental illness is concerned.  You don’t even know what day of the week it is.” I was busily packing up my car with all the things I needed to live successfully on the few thousand acres of land my family owns.   I had put so much in the car that you couldn’t see out the rear view mirror and back window.   I was going live homeless in the woods where no one could find me or bother me – my social anxieties had been screaming for a break from life for days.   I was also extremely delusional my father told me.  “You were making up some wild and convoluted stories that just did not make... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3542850 Fri, 07 May 2010 14:56:00 +0100 3542850 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3542891&cid=t_155640_151_f&fid=35818&url=http%3A%2F%2Ffeedproxy.google.com%2F%7Er%2FRecoveryIsSexycom%2F%7E3%2FBZKdcVJCVwY%2F Alcoholics, addicts, compulsive gamblers and codependents usually have elevated levels of anxiety and more anxiety attacks. There ways to deal with anxiety that are complimentary to the 12 Steps. These are; Accept that anxiety is a normal part of life. It is not a sign that you are going mad or a bad person Don’t try to find out the reason for your anxiety. Searching for a reason only increases it due to frustrated searching. You may not find the source because the cause is normally out of awareness, subconscious. Don’t try to control the anxiety. Attempting to control anxiety creates more anxiety and if control fails it only increases anxiety. Just let it be. Accept your anxiety as a signal Anxiety will lessen if you leave it alone. The thing that keeps anxiety alive is constant... Recovery Is Sexy.com blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3542891 Thu, 06 May 2010 16:41:00 +0100 3542891 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3524443&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F05%2Fmy-thoughts-at-end-of-blogging-day.html Pizza Time! View Full Album Mom’s been with me all day.  Dad has been working in the yard.  We ordered pizza tonight and it about drove Maggie crazy to get some.  The smell that wafted through the house was wonderful. I cut my grass today and had a mini anxiety attack.  I felt dizzy as I put the finishing touches on the front yard.  I turned off the mower and sat on the steps.  My heart was beating something furiously.  It took a good thirty minutes to recover and I put the mower in the basement and called it a day.  I will finish tomorrow. “Hallelujah!” dad said as he walked through my yard to bring my medications. “I love it when you cut your grass.  It looks so good. You are the only house on the block with a neat yard.” Dad was in ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3524443 Sun, 02 May 2010 01:20:00 +0100 3524443 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3435232&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F04%2Fmy-thoughts-for-blogging-day.html Mental Illness Strikes Overnight... I was so disheartened when I woke up in the middle of the night with a severe anxiety attack.  I had never had that happen before.  My heart was racing wildly. I felt mentally discombobulated.  I was drenched wet in sweat.  My eyesight was all askew.  I lay in the bed scared to death and it took two hours to pass.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I am so scared of these attacks.  They are agony.  I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemy. Charlie Arrives... Charlie arrived last night bearing lots of gifts.  He brought me two Big Macs, a large fry, a regular cup of Coke, and then six diet Cokes for tomorrow.  I took all my medications and we sat down to talk.  Charlie is Maggie's favorite pe... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3435232 Sat, 03 Apr 2010 08:08:00 +0100 3435232 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3435233&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F04%2Fmy-thoughts-for-end-of-blogging-day_02.html Online AA Meetings… A friend wrote to me today that an online AA meeting was just no substitute for a real world meeting – that you couldn't discern body language and also the inflections in someone's voice.  They sure are convenient, though, but I agreed with him.  They are certainly no substitute.  I find myself daydreaming about Heineken tonight much to my alarm.  Were there is a will, there is a way, and I could always find a drink if I wanted to.  I could always call George and say I needed some money for Cokes.  I attended an online meeting this afternoon.  We discussed how alcoholics have trouble with relationships.  At least, we tried to.  It was rather chaotic with many people trying to change the subject and talking out of turn.&nb... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3435233 Fri, 02 Apr 2010 22:34:00 +0100 3435233 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3420739&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fdouble-take.html I was just sitting at a red light in downtown West Point, Georgia.  A train was passing in front of me and I was geeking out! I love trains. I was headed to the 8pm AA meeting in Lagrange.  It is a long drive and I was just out of town and was trying to psyche myself up for this ordeal. I kept praying in the shower that God would allow me and help me to make it. Then it happened.  I had a massive panic/anxiety attack sitting in front of that train.  My arms went numb.  My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour.  The whole world seemed to spin.  I managed to turn around and head home.  I have never been so glad to pull in my driveway in all my life.  I was literally scared to death.  I tried to do too much tonight.  Late in the evening... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3420739 Mon, 29 Mar 2010 23:54:00 +0100 3420739 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3390971&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F03%2Ffriend-in-need-is-friend-indeed.html “I am fixin’ to hit the bed,” George told me after stopping by for a moment after work.  He yawned loudly stretching his arms in the process. “Here!” he said, handing me a bag of Sprites and some candy bars.  “I didn’t think you would want any caffeine after yesterday’s attack.” “Thank you!” I told him with the utmost of sincerity. “What are you feeling today?” he asked. “Just scared,” I replied. “Just scared those attacks will start back.  I am so nervous and it feeds upon itself.” “Well, don’t you have some medications to take?” “I have my clonazepam,” I replied. “My psychiatrist prescribes twenty extra per month for emergencies on top of the two I take nightly.” “Take them then!” George exclaimed.  “Get to feeling... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3390971 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:10:00 +0100 3390971 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3390972&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fmy-thoughts-for-day_22.html One Big Bundle of Mental Illness… I had my first real panic attack in months last night.  I lay on the bed with my heart thumping in my chest uncontrollably.  My vision got all squirrelly.  I was scared to death.  It took a complete hour for me to get over it. I had put on my contacts for the first time in months last night.  I could actually see for a change and noticed how dirty my floors were.  I got in this cleaning frenzy, doing laundry, vacuuming floors, polishing furniture.  Suddenly, the room started to spin.  “Oh, my God, NO!” I thought in a panic.  I guess I just tried to do too much.  This completely dashed my hopes of returning to work.  How can I not clean my own home and hope to work an eight hour job filled with so... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3390972 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 10:22:00 +0100 3390972 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3366411&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fmy-thoughts-for-blogging-day_14.html Lucky is a he I found out today.  I thought it was a she.  Lucky walked away from me after eating tuna to reveal two of the biggest gonads I have ever seen on a cat.  Those have got to go.  Snip! Snip!  Lucky also got in a big fight last night.  It awoke me and Maggie and I went and turned on all the outside lights. I was still very groggy from all the beer I drank.   I could see Lucky by Joyce’s house.  Hair bristling.  And screaming like a banshee.  He’s got a nasty scar on his face to show for it.  Getting fixed will stop all that I hope.  If I can only get him to trust me and off to the Vet he will go. George left in time to get his mother to church.  We both had beer for breakfast in characteristic alcoholic fas... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3366411 Sun, 14 Mar 2010 20:55:00 +0100 3366411 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3354553&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fknock-knock.html Imagine you’re paranoid and filled with nerve wracking anxiety.  Your only weapon against this is two little pills that are increasingly hard to obtain because all your loved ones feel they are addictive and mind altering.   On top of this, you keep hearing what sounds like car doors shutting.  You run to the bedroom window and look out.  Nothing is there.  It happens again.  It begins to happen at what seems like increasing intervals.   Your social anxieties are piqued.  You don’t want visitors – not feeling like this.  You look out your other bedroom window at your neighbor’s house.  Nothing.  You sit back down to smoke and read.  The smoking helps.  It calms you and is comforting.   You hear it ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3354553 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 13:17:00 +0100 3354553 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3156656&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F01%2Fon-alert.html “Something’s wrong with you,” my dad said a moment ago on the phone. “What’s going on?” “Why?” I asked, my ears pricking up. “I feel shaky today, but I am hanging in there.” “Your mother said you haven’t come to get your cokes today.  You always get them in the morning.  I feared something was bad wrong with you.  You have been getting those cokes religiously for months now.” I laughed, relieved that was all it was.  I have to be so hyper sensitive to my father’s perception of me. “The caffeine made me sick yesterday,” I replied honestly. “I almost had an anxiety attack.  I had been drinking tea all day and the cokes sent me overboard.” “I feared this would happen,” dad replied, sounding relieved.  “I am just glad you... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3156656 Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:02:00 +0100 3156656 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3139229&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F01%2Ftwo-peas-in-pod.html I wanted to title this post “The Mentally Ill Duo” as that is what mom and I are these days.  We are both shaky.  I can really tell my medication has run out.  Just one more day and I will be back on track.  And mom’s mind is a jumble of frets and thoughts of keeping appointments.  Dad calls her the appointed one.  Well, I told mom I wasn’t feeling well on the phone this morning.  She immediately went into panic mode about my and her haircut this afternoon.  She is getting her hair done right before me by Rhonda.   “I’ll pick you up at lunch and take you and you can wait on me,” she told me. The thought of mom driving in her state and then waiting anxiously for mom to get her hair fluffed and highlighted made me cringe. “I�... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3139229 Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:19:00 +0100 3139229 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3119050&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F12%2Fmom-and-i-live-at-wal-mart-these-days.html It was lunch.  I was standing over my kitchen counter eating a bowl of corn flakes when the phone rang. "Will you take me to Wal-Mart?" my mother asked. "I don't think I can drive today." "Sure," I said apprehensively with my mouth still full of and chewing on milk and corn flakes. "I'll pick you up in a minute. I've already had a shower and am dressed." As we were driving down, I asked mom what we needed. "Coconut for ambrosia," she replied. "Your father is making it this afternoon for Christmas." I don't get dad sometimes.  Here, lately, he has been saying my mother needs to slow down.  That she is on a high and spending lots of money.  On the other hand, he sends her on these Don Quixote like goose chases an... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3119050 Wed, 23 Dec 2009 20:32:00 +0100 3119050 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=3108538&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F12%2Fcomplicated.html Have you realized from reading my blog how complicated my family's lives are with their efforts to keep me physically and mentally healthy? It really is amazing the lengths mom and dad will go to help me. I guess they really do love me. A list of things they do for me...2 cartons of cigarettes every ten days. I must call dad and he will go by Fat Albert's and get them. He pays for these out of his pocket and cigarettes are very expensive these days due to the state taxes imposed - the sin taxes. "You smoke too much," dad will tell me. "Smoke one every thirty minutes!" Dad is very forgiving of this addiction as he realizes a great deal of mentally ill people smoke due to the great deal of comfort it can give an unwell mind. 6 diet cokes a day. Mom goes to great lengths with a Nazi like tena... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=3108538 Sun, 20 Dec 2009 18:12:00 +0100 3108538 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2300322&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F03%2Fhow-are-you-really-feeling.html I was asked that today by a friend.  Not the persona I portray for the world and my blog friends.  I still struggle a lot with my mental illness.  I hide it from those around me.  It is almost as if my parents don't believe me when I tell them.  "You seem to be doing so good," they say. Lately, it is the anxiety attacks.  I woke up with them this morning. Last night, it was the sound of rushing water through pipes continuously keeping me company.  I didn't even tell my psychiatrist about this latest auditory installment as he would only medicate me further.  But you know what is awesome?  The good days.  The good days are like the best orgasm.  I walk through life smiling, so relieved to have a break in the storm. &#16... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2300322 Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:20:00 +0100 2300322 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2260696&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F03%2Fwhat-does-this-button-do.html It was a short drive down the interstate to my doctor's office.  I am enamored with dad's car and try all the bells and whistles.  "Watch this!" dad said with a sly grin. We were soon going 100 mph. "I told you she can fly like a bat out of hell," dad said. My doctor welcomed me into his office.  I call him Kermit as he does look and talk like Kermit the frog.  "So, how are you and what have you been doing lately?" he asked. "I've started walking now," I told him. You could see a glimmer in his eye as he is very trim and fit; very exercise conscious.  "Walking releases endorphins and helps you to feel better.  Blah, blah, blah," my doctor told me. We talked a long time about my anxiety attacks.  I want ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2260696 Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:28:00 +0100 2260696 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2240562&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F02%2Fenter-burger-zone.html Reality for me today was barely being able to order two cheeseburgers for Maggie and I.  I've been over excited about the weather and it was telling on me late this afternoon.  The cashier rung me up and as she was giving me the change, my shaky hand dropped it and coins went rolling all over the place.  "I'll help you pick it up," the cute cashier told me. "Keep the change," I told her with a faux smile and quickly exited. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely put the keys in my car's ignition once I had made it outside.  I had to sit in the parking lot and breathe deeply to get an anxiety attack under control.  I thought I would never make it home safe.  I made it, though, but I doubt I will be eating cheeseburgers for a long tim... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2240562 Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:32:00 +0100 2240562 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2200370&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F02%2Fgulp-goes-pill.html I was in my doctor's office bathroom just a moment ago gulping down some Klonopin.  This every two week injection thing makes me nervous, but I feel so much better afterwards. "Feeling better?" dad asked as I sat back down. "You sure are sweating.  Wipe your brow." I wanted mom to take me but dad said, "We are not getting into all that shit this morning.  Your mother gets things too complicated." My nurse is so kind and caring.  She weighed me and took my blood pressure.  "All good," she said. "And you continue to lose weight." As me and dad were driving home, we stopped at the newly built McDonald's up the road.  Three egg mcmuffins later we were on our way back to my house. "I love you son," dad t... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2200370 Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:59:00 +0100 2200370 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2113351&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F01%2Fspecial-recipes.html There was the unmistakable smell of my grandfather's special recipe barbeque sauce simmering on the stove.   I had just driven over to my parent's house to get some sodas.  My stomach immediately started grumbling.  "Look in the slow cooker," Dad said, turning his attention to stirring the sauce. "Pork butt!" I exclaimed with wide looking eyes. "Come back over around two and we will eat." We then took my medications.  Dad was standing outside in the cool air in his pajamas as he got today's dosage out of his car. "Now you have to stay with me for 30 minutes," he said. "I don't want you throwing them up." It was scary driving today.  I really shouldn't be driving until I get more stable.  I keep having the... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2113351 Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:58:00 +0100 2113351 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2097780&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F01%2Fhanging-in-there.html I am going through a very, very rough spell with my mental illness and my anxiety attacks.  I can't get to feeling well no matter what I try. This usually means the hospital for me.   I should be posting again in a few days.  I am going to stay quiet while in this ill tempered mind set though.   Will be posting again when I get to feeling better.  I hope you all are well and in good spirits.  (Source: The 4th Avenue Blues) The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2097780 Mon, 12 Jan 2009 22:29:00 +0100 2097780 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2073768&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F01%2Fcornucopia-car.html I was never so glad to see mom when she arrived this morning with my groceries. I wasn't expecting her thinking Kroger would be closed New Year's Day. "Happy New Year's!" I exclaimed as I kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug. I put away my groceries this morning and me and mom talked awhile."Your father is a control freak," she told me."Tell me about it!" I replied with a sigh. Mom soon left and I immediately put some lasagna in the oven. Mom bought me a bounty's worth of groceries today. I needed them. Maggie did good with the fireworks in the neighborhood last night. She didn't even get scared. She is currently laid out on the bed sleeping.I have six dollars to my name today and it has been tempting to go get a six pack of ice beer and celebrate. I've thought about all day and the ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2073768 Thu, 01 Jan 2009 20:38:00 +0100 2073768 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2073770&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F12%2Fh-e-e-elp.html I picked up the phone a while ago to call mom.   "You can't call and bother her!" I exclaimed and slammed down the phone after dialing just a few numbers. Maybe I wanted someone to talk to.   Maybe I wanted mom to drive down to the drugstore and get some of my "happy" pills, the Klonopin.  All I knew was that I wanted relief from today's feelings.  This knot in my stomach that feels like anxiety will get out of control.  My father is useless in such matters except for administering pills.  I refrained from calling and got to watching "The Worlds Worst Jails."  I was lying on the bed and watching these people made me feel better.  It was almost like I was benefiting from other's suffering.  I should be in... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2073770 Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:19:00 +0100 2073770 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2026806&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F12%2Fyou-just-gotta-do-it.html Yesterday morning was not fun.  It was time for my injection and I was having a terrible anxiety attack.  Mom called first. "I am coming to get you," she said.  "Mom, I can't," I told her. "I am having a terrible attack." Mom called dad and dad sent Tim to pick me up in the company van.  Tim brought pills for me to take to stop the attacks.  I greedily took them as he stood in my den and Maggie gave him the twice over.  Well, we got there and my nurse wasn't there.  She had her finals yesterday.  I already felt bad and was just about beside myself when they told me to come back at 4:00.  Tim was so kind and we drove around for awhile waiting for 4:00 PM to arrive.  An hour after my injection I was feeling nor... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2026806 Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:40:00 +0100 2026806 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=2010967&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F12%2Fcome-in-and-turn-up-tv-loud.html I had one of those shaky days today.  I was about beside myself when dad arrived tonight with my medications.  I wanted to take my Klonopin and go to bed.   Dad then proceeded to turn on the TV to PBS.  The "3 Tenors" were on singing Christmas tunes and dad cranked up the volume LOUD.  I thought my head would explode. "Oh dear God help me," I muttered under my breath. "I am driving you crazy, aren't I?" dad said, getting a clue. "Just a tad," I said at my best effort in understatement as I shook my head meaning yes. I think dad left with his feelings hurt.  I feel like a schmuck now.  I am going to bed and pray for a better tomorrow.  I am tired of this anxiety attack shit.  I would sell my soul to an... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=2010967 Thu, 04 Dec 2008 02:50:00 +0100 2010967 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1963858&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F11%2Fi-don-tango-i-don-waltz.html Charlie's son, Alan, came to see me tonight.  It was a surprise visit and set my social anxieties into overdrive.   "What will I say?  I am not dressed for this.  Dog hair is every where," all raced through my mind.  Luckily, Al took the lead in this little social waltz or tango.   Gregarious as ever, he laughed and talked and I soon felt at ease.  Maggie, on the other hand, thought little of this strange human with many muted barks and uneasy walks to try and sniff Al.  I had never seen her act so peculiar.  It was almost comical. Al left and I sighed with relief.  I felt as if I had been on stage for 30 minutes performing.  I called Dad knowing he probably encouraged this to happen. "Why didn't you tell me h... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1963858 Sun, 16 Nov 2008 03:22:00 +0100 1963858 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1785796&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F09%2Ftlc.html "Your hands are shaking something terribly," my mother told me this morning. I could barely pick up a glass of fruit punch to take a drink. "Are you okay?" "It's these damn anxiety attacks," I replied.  Mom walked over to sit next to me and held my hands.  "Calm down," she said. "It is going to be okay." Within moments I was feeling a little better.  All it takes sometimes is a sympathetic soul to help. "My hands shake too because of my medications," my mother told me. She held up her hands and they, too, were trembling.  Mom then got up and went into my bathroom to get some of my Klonopin. "Here take two of these," she said handing me the pills. I try not to take them for fears my father will qu... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1785796 Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:23:00 +0100 1785796 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1717074&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F08%2Ftemper-bad-with-good.html I had such a great day yesterday.  "For the first time in my life, I know what contentment feels like," I told Dad as I was taking my medications last night.  This led to a discussion of some of my various shenanigans when I was very ill. "You remember the time you thought Emeril Legasse was coming to pick you up and fly you to New York for his TV show?" Dad asked. I laughed. "I can't believe I thought that at one time.  I thought it was real though." My medications always make me dopey and drowsy, and soon I was in the bed for another day. Today?  I am feeling kind of shaky.  Not too bad.  But I've had a few close calls with anxiety attack symptoms.  I was lying in the bed this afternoon watching Stargate: Atlantis, and my ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1717074 Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:20:00 +0100 1717074 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1630902&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F07%2Fcould-it-always-be-this-easy.html Imagine my surprise as I sat down in my psychiatrist's office this morning, shook his hand, and he smiled warmly. "How many Klonopin do you need this month?" he asked. "Twenty," I replied. He proceeded to write my prescription for it with no further questions.  I thought I would have to grovel and beg and prostrate myself upon the floor. We talked a lot of my schizophrenia and my current symptoms -- symptoms which I rarely reveal on this blog these days.   My main problem these days is dealing with anxiety and paranoia.  My doctor upped my Risperdal Consta some and added on another 50 mg of Luvox.  "You handled that like an adult," Dad told me as we were walking out.  "I didn't have to say a word." "Thanks,"... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1630902 Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:05:00 +0100 1630902 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1499818&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F06%2Fpepperjack-morning.html I feel better this morning, but scared.  I still have that lump in my stomach.  I woke up with it.  It is a nice morning of drinking Pepsi, Sprite Zero, and listening to the radio.  I had so many blog posts to catch up on.   Reader was packed with hundreds of great posts.   I have whittled them down to just a handful.  I find myself browsing more than reading though when that happens.  I never know what Mom will bring me grocery shopping.  Yesterday it was lots of breakfast foods.  Breakfast burritos, fresh eggs, pepperjack cheese, bacon, sausage.  This morning I had a fresh pepperjack omelet and bacon, and it was delicious.  I always did love breakfast.  She even brought me some fresh fruit and I love some kiwis an... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1499818 Sat, 07 Jun 2008 14:26:00 +0100 1499818 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1499821&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F06%2Fyesterday-attack.html This is my attempt to write about this occurrence with the hopes it will alleviate some of the symptoms I am experiencing today.  I felt it coming on for hours.  My head started to spin and I couldn't focus on anything.  I immediately started to pace the floor.  "Your house is so freakin' dirty," I said to myself noticing acutely that dirt and dog hair was everywhere.  I don't noticed this when I am normal.  It adds to the panic that my father is coming at night with my medications.  Soon, I was lying on the bed too tired to walk anymore.  My head continued to spin.  I can't drink, smoke, or have any noise on.   My mouth grows so dry, I feel like I am choking trying to wet it.  My neighbors were mowing their lawn and it just added... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1499821 Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:55:00 +0100 1499821 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1499822&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F06%2Fimpending-doom.html Glum post, I know.  Sorry.  But I don't feel well.  It all started a few days ago about the time Dad would come with my medications.  Now I feel this lump or pain in my stomach like another attack is going to happen any moment.  I woke up this way.  I had a terrible attack last night.  So painful and uncomfortable.  It lasted for hours.  I kept feeling the need to urinate, but couldn't!  I actually outlast these attacks after three or more hours and get to feeling better.  I assume my adrenaline runs out and the attack is over. When I first started to go to AA, I worried there wouldn't be enough meetings to go to everyday.  I had grand plans of ninety meetings in ninety days.  So far the meetings have materialized.  The ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1499822 Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:27:00 +0100 1499822 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1497328&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F06%2Fwhere-there-is-will-there-is-way.html "You will find a way to pay for it,"  a long time AA goer told me this morning in regards to my not having enough gas to get to all the meetings I want to go to.  They were right.  "You always found a way to drink!" I am feeling shaky today, though.  I just don't feel well and have that impending doom (anxiety attack) feeling today.  I just called Mom needing someone to talk to. "Did you get to your morning meeting?" she asked. "Just barely," I replied. "I feel horrible." We discussed the price of gas and making it to my meetings. "I'll buy you a tank of gas a week," Mom offered. I told her I would think about it.  I don't want yet another tendril of dependence to be attached.  It was nice of her though.  I am thinking I will talk to Dad about using ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1497328 Thu, 05 Jun 2008 18:03:00 +0100 1497328 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1449241&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Fcornucopia-of-food.html "I've got your groceries in the car," mom cheerfully told me after I opened my front door.  "I didn't think you felt like going to get them." "Thank you so much," I implored as I gave her a hug. I got all my groceries in and Mom ate supper with me.  Helen had just finished cooking and hadn't long left.  "I always loved rutabagas," Mom said as we sat at my table gingerly shoveling in food. "Helen does them justice."  "Too bad I don't have any hot sauce for them," I replied. "What do you think is causing all these attacks?" Mom asked. "I am pretty sure it is my medications," I replied. "Don't tell your father that," Mom said. "He will freak out." It is a catch-22 about my medications.  My father feels they are miracle drugs without side effects.  He gets angry a... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1449241 Fri, 16 May 2008 20:06:00 +0100 1449241 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1439434&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Ftired-and-scared.html You heard it here first.  I don't want to go on living with these panic/anxiety attacks anymore.  I hear people saying they are having them too, but I seriously doubt the severity as compared to the ones I am having.  I see things.  My mouth gets so dry it is maddening.  I can't swallow.  It feels like someone punching me in my stomach.  My head spins.  I can't focus on anything to see straight.  This will last for hours as my heart pounds in my chest to the point I fear I am having a heart attack.  I am afraid to go to the doctor as I will have another waiting to see him.  Work is the scariest thing in the world as I fear having one of these "spells" out of my home.  It is soul crushing and debilitating.   I have never ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1439434 Tue, 13 May 2008 15:28:00 +0100 1439434 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1439435&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Fclickety-clack.html I worried all day yesterday constantly.  Worried about Rosa.  Worried about my sister and her one year old, and how she was going to juggle all that and be a cancer doctor.  Worried about Mom and her mental illness.  It culminated into a big whiz bang anxiety/panic attack that lasted for hours and hours.  Thankfully, it passed just about time for Dad to come over at 9:30 PM.  Whew!!!!  That was close.  I couldn't bare to go through another search of my house for contraband that Dad is prone to do when I am feeling ill.  Adding insult to injury.  This morning I am still in my pajamas. Not long from waking.  I've been watching Maggie chase a fly -- her little "cleats" going clickety clack on my hardwood floors as she daintily chases it.&... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1439435 Tue, 13 May 2008 14:37:00 +0100 1439435 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1418381&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Fflush.html My face feels flush.  My arms begin to tingle and go numb.  I rush to the bed to lie down.  Thus starts another panic attack.  An experience that is excruciating and painful.  It takes about 3 hours to pass as I lay on the bed with a dry throat feeling like I can't swallow.  My eyes dart around the room as black dots appear frantically trying to focus on something real.  The need to urinate is overwhelming.  Everything looks dirty and I panic at guests coming meaning my father.  Is it my schizophrenia?  Or just a simple panic attack?  I don't know. I pleaded with the powers that be that I will have no more.  3 days.  3 days without an attack.  I almost feel normal again.  I've cut out caffeine and all other stimulan... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1418381 Sat, 03 May 2008 18:38:00 +0100 1418381 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1417828&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Fto-feel-good.html There is no better thing than to have your health!  My grandfather often said that before and after he fell ill with a brain tumor.  We all take it for granted until we get sick.  I've had a hard row to hoe these past two weeks.  Wracked with panic attacks, each day would be hell.  My attacks are extremely physical even going so far as to make me see things.   Finally, I seem to have some relief.  Two days so far without an attack.  I fear to say it though.  Fear I will jinx this fair health spell.  I worry I won't ever be able to function at full capacity again (One attack came on just by me cutting my front lawn!). Helen is home cooking supper.  Sadly, I won't be able to eat until after 9 or so.  I did get her to cook a sav... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1417828 Fri, 02 May 2008 21:38:00 +0100 1417828 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1414879&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F05%2Fgroves-and-groves.html There is an ancient old pecan grove across from the railyard and that old cotton mill.  It is nearby to where Ferret camped stealthily when he was homeless.  Today, I lay out in that beautiful grove for hours on the grass reading Trains magazines.  What a wonderful time, and I got some sun to boot!  I am finding these special little quiet moments to be what life is about.  And the weather was just gorgeous today to compliment my excursion!  This morning was my injection in the ole derrière.  My nurse, Rebecca, who gives it, is 12 weeks pregnant.  I shudder to think who will take her place once the baby comes.  She is so kind and forgiving, and I am not afraid to bare my bum for her. LOL  I was close to having a nasty panic attack in the lo... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1414879 Thu, 01 May 2008 21:14:00 +0100 1414879 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1400626&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F04%2Fokay-day.html This is my most boring post ever, but it is all I feel like doing! It has been an okay day.  I've had to fight off panic attacks all day, though.  It is starting to feel normal this not feeling normal.  The highlight of my day was a late lunch.  Mom and I bought all kinds of healthy food to eat yesterday.  I grilled chicken marinated in Italian dressing, made a yellow squash casserole, and ate a salad. I'm at work now.  It is raining outside and it makes me wish I was home and in the bed.  Mom and Dad are off to Birmingham, Al for my cousin's wedding.  I don't envy them of that task.  I had another terrible attack last night.  Dad was concerned I was drinking and that's what was causing these sudden attacks.  He searched my house, frid... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1400626 Fri, 25 Apr 2008 22:15:00 +0100 1400626 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1219422&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Fhelping-hand_1329.html I sat in the parking lot of Wal-Mart behind the wheel of my mother's car.  It had been about an hour and I had smoked over three cigarillos.  People came and went from the store, and I had a good time people watching.  Soon, mom came ambling out.  She looked worried and tussled.  "Feel my hand," she said as she got in the car. "Your hands are just a shaking," I told her as I cranked up the car. "I am having one of my panic attacks," she told me. "I saw so many people I knew in Wal-Mart, and I have so much to do.  I just wanted to come and go quietly." "Never fails," I told her as I drove out of the parking lot and got on highway 29. "Never fails to get caught by a lot of people when you feel ill." It... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1219422 Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:49:00 +0100 1219422 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1216450&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F02%2Fquestions.html Rosa and I were sitting on the couch.  She was watching some banal television show. "What are you going to do in nine months?" she asked me. "Would do you mean?" I asked. "Your disability will run out and you will have no way to pay for your medications." "I am hoping they will have a pay-to-stay-in plan I can utilize," I replied. "What about your Dad and the medications?" "We will still be able to do that," I told her. "Work will start at 11 PM eastern time.  They are on central time." "What if you have one of your panic attacks?" "Then I will just breath deep and take a break.  Probably go have a cigarette." "I am just scared for you," Rosa told me. "I just don't want t... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1216450 Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:26:00 +0100 1216450 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1191293&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fin-fairness.html Dad came by early this morning to talk.  He went and bought me a case of green tea to drink.  "I just worry about you," he said. "And I show it the wrong way sometimes.  I just want you to live a normal life. You can be so obsessive/compulsive." I was sheepish.  I almost had another anxiety attack last night after all that and didn't want another to start. "Drink this green tea," he said. "Charlie quit drinking cokes and has been drinking this green tea." "Okay," I said. "I will give it a try." He finally left and I felt better.  I want to go for a long ride in my car today and I think that is what I will do.  I am going to ride out in the country and enjoy it's sights and sounds.  I hope you all have a good day.  (Source: The 4th Avenue Blues) The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1191293 Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:59:00 +0100 1191293 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1146122&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fremission.html I've felt so well lately.  It truly is a miracle.  "How do you feel different?" Rosa just asked a moment ago when I was telling her about it. "I feel happy.  I don't feel crazy.  Can I dare say 'normal'?" I replied. "I feel content with life." Rosa smiled as she went back to watching the television.  I left her to come in here and write about it.  I still struggle with the anxiety attacks, but they are few and far between.  I felt so well today that I got up the courage to pour out those three beers I have been hiding for a "special occasion."  The sickly sweet smell of fermented beverage made my stomach churn as the beers were emptied into my kitchen sink. I couldn't believe I could stomach that swill.  Mom came by today with groceries and stay... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1146122 Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:59:00 +0100 1146122 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1136745&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fgreat-glorious-day.html The weather is gorgeous here.  It is almost hard to believe it is January.  The sun is shining.  The temperature is in the low seventies.  And only a few clouds are in the sky.  I have been sitting outside in my backyard for the longest time playing with Maggie.  I worry about her. She sleeps all the time these days as if she is bored.  She grows so excited when I walk outside, attacking that pair of socks I have let her have.  That always makes me smile. I am still waiting to hear from a detective about my car.  I doubt they will ever catch the perpetrator.   The first thing I am doing is driving down to Opelika, Alabama to Vocational Rehabilitation.  I can't overcome my fear to call, so will drive down there and speak to someone... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1136745 Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:12:00 +0100 1136745 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1133767&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fbeing-afraid-of-phone.html I don't know what it is, but picking up that phone and calling sends my heart to racing. I held the 1-800 number for Alabama Vocational Rehabilitation in my hand as I stood over the phone, picked it up, and listened for the dial tone. I slammed it back down."What's wrong?" Rosa asked, walking into my computer room after hearing that loud noise. I was so frustrated. "I am scared of calling," I said. "I am afraid they won't help me. I am afraid to talk to another person.""Do you want me to call?""No, I just want to get over these fears of the phone!" was my aggravated reply.I paced the floor some more as Rosa left to go watch some TV."You're acting crazy!" Rosa hollered from the other room. "Calm down and lay down!"I took Rosa's advice and lay down for a few moments. My heart was beating fur... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1133767 Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:13:00 +0100 1133767 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1132108&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F01%2Fmore-on-medications.html I am noticing a big positive effect from my medications lately. For example, I am drinking only 12 diet Cokes a day. I attribute this to my Luvox. I was drinking 24 regular Cokes a day. I am also smoking less. I used to smoke two cartons a week and now I am down to one. This makes me so hopeful that I can live a moderate life. For too long, my life has been a life of extremes. Extreme spending. Extreme poverty. Extreme paranoia. Extreme drinking. Extreme smoking. I have always been an all or nothing kind of fellow -- the kind of soul that is always burning his candle at both ends. It is amazing I still have my health and sanity these days. The Lithium is serving to moderate my moods. I have an evenness of feelings these days. Not the deep, dark depressions interspersed with wild mania. My ... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1132108 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 20:44:00 +0100 1132108 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1116103&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fsober-christmas.html It all seems so odd to me.  To be sober on Christmas.  Holidays were always the best excuse to imbibe.  There have been many Christmases that I was too wasted on Xanax or booze to even remember.  Christmas before last, I snuck in to my father's bathroom and took maybe ten or more Xanax. Probably even more than that.   I don't even remember walking home.  I was zonked.  I would think it felt so good though.  The only time I felt normal was to be plastered out of my gourd.   Life has changed drastically since last year.  I can no longer drink.  I have found the number one cause of my anxiety attacks is to be the withdrawal from drinking the next day.  They are absolutely horrible.  I can honestly say today that I don'... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1116103 Tue, 25 Dec 2007 19:45:00 +0100 1116103 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1115021&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fstaying-home.html "Dad," I said weakly over the phone a moment ago. "I can't make it tonight." My father was busy in the kitchen preparing our Christmas Eve dinner.  A large gathering of family friends had arrived.  I could hear them happily bantering in the background over the phone.   "What's wrong?  You haven't been drinking, have you?" "No.  I just have that twinge in my stomach meaning an anxiety attack is about to occur.  I am so nervous. I feel terrible." "You stay home and rest," he replied. "You sure?" I asked. "We just want you to have a Merry Christmas," was his reply. "I will be over later with your medications, presents and a dinner plate." "Thank you! And I love you!" I closed, feeling a wave of relief washing over me.  To think, my brother and family fl... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1115021 Mon, 24 Dec 2007 22:47:00 +0100 1115021 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1115025&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fplans-for-day.html This is mainly for me more than my readership.  I will more likely do it if I write about it publicly and so will commit.  Take a shower and shave (a major hurdle to overcome for the day's events). Pass out smokes down at the shopping center along with some candy and drinks.  Clean my house some to get ready for my brother's visit.  He has never seen my new house and the first thing he asked when arriving home was if I was going to be there tonight at our big get together. Put on my best clothes and loafers. Gather myself enough to arrive at 6:30 PM to eat at my parents with a large crowd of people.  This will be a major undertaking for me.   I have already called my father and told him not to be alarmed when I have to retire early or go lay on my mother... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1115025 Mon, 24 Dec 2007 14:48:00 +0100 1115025 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1115026&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F12%2Fto-spread-some-christmas-cheer.html Don't things always seem better after a good night's sleep?  I slept broken, but well.  I appreciate all the comments of support.  You all do so mean the world to me.   Sometimes, I forget who is reading and how much some of you care.  I live in my own little sheltered world and it can escape me.  I feel so isolated many days despite the Internet and this blog.   I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever experienced yesterday.  It lasted for hours and hours, and I was just miserable.  It wouldn't subside until after my father left, completing our medication ritual (which caused untold more anxiety).  I collapsed in the bed just exhausted.  I realized I need to live a healthier life.  I went all day yesterday wit... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1115026 Mon, 24 Dec 2007 14:07:00 +0100 1115026 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1035545&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fmarauding-possums.html "Are you sure?" I asked Joyce last night. "It's in my closet," she said animatedly. "There's a possum in my closet!" I couldn't find anything. I then realized Joyce was seeing things -- her mental illness playing tricks on her mind.  "I got it out," I then said, walking back into her den. "The possum is gone." "Oh thank you!" she said, hugging me firmly. "I thought I was never going to get any sleep." I, too, hallucinate with my mental illness.  I see what I call ghosting -- ghostly visages of cats laying around my house.  It used to scare me, but I've grown so used to it these past few years. Certain medications also exacerbate these effects like pain pills. "I don't know what I would do without you," Joyce told me as we sat on her couch with her head on my s... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1035545 Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:58:00 +0100 1035545 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1034600&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fquiet-day.html It's probably going to be a quiet day on this blog. I just don't feel well. I feel so anxious with butterflies fluttering in my chest and stomach as if another anxiety attack is about to hit at any moment. It is this sense of impending doom. I had another terrible panic/anxiety attack last night and it was so disheartening. I thought I was over them. Something is terribly wrong with me and I know not what. I just want to sleep -- to sleep a thousand pleasant dreams. Sleep is my only respite from this terrible feeling I harbor.I'm convinced it is my psychiatric medications. I have a confession to make. My father has been giving me three pills every night. Lithium, Luvox, and Risperdal. I have been eating a big meal before he comes over in preparation to throw them back up. Last night, I let... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1034600 Sun, 18 Nov 2007 13:24:00 +0100 1034600 http://www.medworm.com/index.php?rid=1024191&cid=t_155640_140_f&fid=35433&url=http%3A%2F%2F4thavenueblues.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fharsher-realities-exist.html Dedicated to my friend Cheryl whose positiveness always inpires me and gives me hope. I so liked coming down from my medications. It was interesting. It was novel. It was invigorating. I did have withdrawals -- a clammy feeling of flushness, a rush and buzz of the mind -- but it was livable. I thought I was feeling the real me, or at least I had hoped I was. I've been on so many medications for so many years that I no longer knew the truth. I also drank heavily and continuously while on my medications since I was in my early twenties. I couldn't discern whether my illness was caused by my alcoholism, or was I truly schizophrenic? The myriad of doctors I've seen only knew what was wrong with me by what I and my family told them. It was a guessing game. There were no tests for what ailed me.... The 4th Avenue Blues blogs http://www.medworm.com/rss/comments.php?id=1024191 Tue, 13 Nov 2007 17:57:00 +0100 1024191