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Encore Interview: Erasing the Stigma of SuicideEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
This week, as National Survivors of Suicide Day approaches tomorrow, we've been exploring the impact of suicide, both on a personal and societal level. Michael Behmer, a marriage and family therapist and co-founder of the family-support organization Chaos to Connection, had this to say.What can people do to help eliminate the stigma that surrounds suicide? I think you would have to convince people to not run from painful experiences. Stigmas exist because there is fear to engage them and explore a remedy. There is mostly a stigma with the affected parties because they take on responsibility and believe, whether true or not...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 20, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Melissa Blake Tags: Depression Health Psychiatry Relationships mental health stigma suicide Source Type: consumer

Five Tricks to Help Stressed Stepparents Enjoy the HolidaysEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
A special guest post by stepmother, researcher, and author Jacquelyn Fletcher (A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom). While it's written specifically with stepmothers in mind, men with stepkids can benefit from Jacque's insights here as well...As Thanksgiving approaches, instead of feeling the warm anticipation of a day to spend with family, stepmothers across America are downing antacids. And really it's no surprise. "All of our experimental and clinical research confirms that the sense of having little or no control is always distressful," says Paul J. Rosch, MD, a clinical professor of medicine and psychiatry at ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 20, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Tags: Parenting Relationships Self-Help Source Type: consumer

An interview with Erin Munroe: Almost everything you should know about 'stepparenting' and 'friendship'Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
The role of being a stepparent has some inherent challenges. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent? It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly w...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 20, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Child Development Parenting Relationships adolescence adolescent adult child animosity author being friends birth parent birth parents book boundaries boundary issues challenges child adult divorce Erin Munroe family Source Type: consumer

Dreams From My DaughterEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
One way of looking at Barack Obama's youth is as the story of a boy raised by a single mother and her parents who by dint of hard work and natural gifts overcame great odds to become President of the United States. This is a true story.Another way of looking at it is as the story of a person who, because his father was from Africa, looks black. Since he grew up in a white family, however, he had to overcome impediments to developing a racial identity for which American culture provides no easy answers. This is also a true story.Yet another way of looking at it is as the story of a boy losing his Luo ties before he knew he ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 19, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Guest Blogger Tags: Relationships American culture anxieties Barack Obama commonalities dint easy answers impediments intermarriage married men multiracial children natural gifts odds overcoming adversity personality president of the united stat Source Type: consumer

You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 2) - You Married Him AnywayEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Awhile back I wrote about 3 typical paths that dating relationships take (two healthy and one unhealthy) when one partner is more "in love" or devoted than the other. Read You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 1) to get the full story. A reader's comments about a 4th path moved me to write about what happens when one partner is less in love - and gets married anyway.Path 4-What all too frequently happens.Submitted by Anonymous on October 25, 2009"Sandy decides to stay with Philip because she hasn't found anything better and thinks maybe she is being too hard on him as there are way worse men out there. Sandy tries to convinc...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 19, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Linda Young, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Sex Acevedo aron arthur aron believer breaking up breakup brother sister couples couples counseling dating relationships divorce excitement hasn innocent children long term relationships love marriage ma Source Type: consumer

Fifteen Tips to Avoid Nagging.Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Today: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging. I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship. But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging? One of my best friends from college has a very...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 19, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Gretchen Rubin Tags: Happiness Relationships Self-Help atmosphere chores conflict grocery store hedges husband don marriage medicine medicine bottle one of my best friends partnership radical solution reminder sweetheart tactic trash Source Type: consumer

Papertrain Your Problem Relatives for Thanksgiving *Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
An ounce of flattery will get you a well behaved guest Do you have any relatives or friends that ruin everyone's time on Thanksgiving or Christmas and you can't un-invite them? Do you feel guilty at wishing they'll either have other plans or be too sick to come? Do you wish there was a way to papertrain them so they don't mess on everyone else's good time? Here is how using a little applied emotional intelligence can save the day. One thing most of these high-maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people have in common is that they feel as if the world is not treating them well enough. In essence they don't feel ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 18, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Dr. Mark Goulston Tags: Relationships bad time Christmas communication emotional intelligence family flattery good time high maintenance holiday gatherings holidays mark goulston ounce personality problem person relatives ruin seven days shell Source Type: consumer

Don't Get Hooked by the Family Craziness: Using Brain-Wise Meditation For a Better ThanksgivingEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Most of us have a lovely vision of Thanksgiving: Driving along the road to Grandma's house on a familiar road, graced by autumn leaves. We imagine being greeted by warmth and family, feeling grateful and eating our familiar favorites. The kids have made turkey drawings by tracing around their adorable little hands, and the real turkey is large and golden and perfectly moist. We've brought little handmade paper pilgrims to adorn the perfectly set table, just like on the covers of the magazines at the grocery check-out.Yeah, well.Maybe the road to Grandma's Thanksgiving is familiar, but for many, from an emotional standpoint...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 18, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Marsha Lucas, Ph.D. Tags: Happiness Relationships Stress brain dysfunctional family holidays meditating meditation rewire your brain thankful thankfulness Thanksgiving Source Type: consumer

Online mindfulness meditation therapy for stress managementEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
The single major cause of emotional suffering and stress in our lives comes from the accumulated habitual emotional reactions to life events that we acquire through unconscious learning. We become victims of recurrent negative thoughts and patterns of emotional reactivity that operate automatically in the mind, and that operate outside the sphere of conscious choice. We become prisoners of our habitual thinking and suffer accordingly. Therefore, it stands to reason that if we want to reduce our level of emotional stress and suffering, we must learn new strategies to counteract and neutralize our conditioned habitual reacti...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 18, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Peter Strong, Ph.D. Tags: Anxiety Cognition Depression Happiness Relationships Self-Help Stress Therapy Work coffee maker conscious choice core level correspondence driving seat emotional reactions emotional reactivity emotional stress emotions Source Type: consumer

Unfriend: Not a simple verb by any meansEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
The New Oxford American Dictionary chose the verb "unfriend" as its 2009 Word of the Year (WOTY) and defined it this way: "to remove someone as a ‘friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook." The word "has both currency and potential longevity," explained Christine Lindberg, Oxford's senior lexicographer on the OUP Blog.The choice of this year's word is telling because the act of unfriending (or defriending) is part of the normal pruning process of maintaining a presence on social media like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn. It's easy to collect more friends than you want or need, including many contacts that may...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 18, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Happiness Relationships acts caution Christine Lindberg collateral damage community connections currency defriend defriending dump dumping ethics exclamation points Facebook friendship friendship expert Irene S. Levine Source Type: consumer

Surviving After A Loved One's Suicide: Part IIEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
What did you think of the first part of my attempt to process my father's death? The story continues...let me know what you think!<!--break-->The next thing I knew, my mother's screaming startled me awake. She came home, walked through the door and found a note taped to the giraffe mirror outside our bathroom. She found my father in the bathtub, saw the note again and it all came together. "Our time together was too brief..." started the note. It was written in my dad's undeniable large, bold-print handwriting, and the message shot right through our hearts.But it was already too late. He'd been dead for about 15 minu...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 18, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Melissa Blake Tags: Health Psychiatry Relationships Resilience Self-Help 15 minutes bathtub bold print coroners dad disability electrical engineer electrical impulses family father favorite tv giraffe handwriting healing hearts invisib Source Type: consumer

A final friendship disappointment?Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
QUESTIONDear Irene,My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to affect the friendship that I have with her husband too and that my husband has with them.<!--break-->Now, my dilemma is that I personally have gone through a very stressful period in my life with the loss of several family members. I really don't want to talk about all her stresses anymore! I know she feels hurt by this. But the main ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Stress 13 years anger apology daughter death dilemma disappoint family members female friend friendship friendship expert funeral grief grieving insensitive insensitivity irene Irene S. Levine joke Source Type: consumer

"Why Are There Two Turkeys?" Happy Holidays for StepfamiliesEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Stepfamilies are under extra stress as the holidays--with their pressure cooker of "family" expectations--get underway. While they now outnumber first families in the U.S., many stepfamily members report feeling second-best and misunderstood when our thoughts turn to turkey, yultide, and latkahs. This is in large part because so many of us unrealistically expect stepfamilies to be just like first families--super close, ultra-cohesive, and happy, happy, happy.Sure, plenty of stepfamilies are doing just fine. But knowing that even first family life isn't one Hallmark moment after another can take some of the pressure off, an...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Tags: Parenting Relationships Self-Help Christmas divorce hanukkah holiday stress in families holiday tips for stepfamilies Patricia Papernow remarriage remarriage with children step family step mother stepfamily stepfamily advice Source Type: consumer

You again! The role of significant others in our social interactionsEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Some patterns in our lives tend to repeat. You may meet a new person, and suddenly find that you talk as though you were back in college with them. Or, you may meet a new romantic interest, and you speak to them as if they were an old significant other. Or you my have a boss and you find yourself talking to him as if he was your father.What is going on?<!--break-->It is hard to have to treat each new person in your life fresh. After all, there must be some value to all of the experience you have had with other people you have met.Research by Susan Andersen, Serena Chen, and their colleagues suggests that we do use ou...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Art Markman, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Social Life boss colleagues double edged sword experience recycling romantic interest significant other significant others social knowledge social settings susan andersen Source Type: consumer

If You Want Intimacy, Then Find Someone Who....Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
One day in class we were discussing INTIMACY in romantic relationships, and one of the women made the comment, “I just can’t figure out why men don’t want to be intimate.”  In response (obviously speaking before thinking), a young man in the back of the room blurted out: “We do too want to be intimate, but you women just won’t put out.” Common mistaken notion --- that the roots of intimacy are to be found in sexual behavior. It is no doubt accurate to say that intimacy and sex are connected, but the nature of this connection is not what many may suspect.  It can probably best be captured by this sum...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: John R. Buri, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships couple suggestions desires inclinations intimacy Love; Marriage; Relationships; Intimacy men and women mistaken notion nbsp no doubt old men personal baggage romantic relationships roots sex linkage sexual behav Source Type: consumer

Two Clues That Shout It's OverEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
When it comes to relationships, the question I am most often asked is, “how do I know my relationship is okay, that he’s still into me?” To which I answer, there are two well kept secrets to knowing how others feel about us, one we see with the hands, the other, less well known, with the belly. In “The Ten Must Know Body Language Secrets of Dating,” I talk about how little behaviors can give us valuable insight.  Here are two examples that accurately reveal when a relationship is good or in trouble. The hands and fingers are very powerful transmitters of our emotional state.  Remember that great scene i...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Joe Navarro, M.A. Tags: Relationships blood flow body language secrets care cascade Chemicals comfort dating demi moore denial dilation discomfort distancing emotional state envelopes foreheads ghost hands and fingers insight limbi love Source Type: consumer

Stuckness and How It Is That We Stay ThereEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Very often we do not see what is right in front of us. In the case of the fish, he doesn't know that he's wet. In the case of ourselves, it is more often that we do not have a clear grasp of the interior mechanisms that inform our choices, and how those choices then shape our lives, and our relationships. And just like the fish, when we find ourselves out of our comfort zone, we struggle and fight to get back to what we know, no matter how toxic the water. Our filters are the lens through which we view our world. Those filters are built upon the ideas, assumptions, and expectations that we have about the way the world work...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 17, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Michael J. Formica Tags: Relationships assumptions Choices Comfort zone experiences fish grasp interior landscape internalization mechanisms object vision psyche self perception self-esteem self-perception self-worth social environment socializat Source Type: consumer

Surviving After A Loved One's Suicide: Part IEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
There are two months out of the year I'm not too keen on living through. One is March, obviously, since that is the month in which my father committed suicide, a month that still, almost seven years later, smells the same, looks the same and all-around feels the same as that cold day in 2003. The other month is November; well, actually, it's more like a single day. November 21 is National Survivors of Suicide Day.<!--break--> Over the years, that's what I've learned to embrace - the fact that I am, indeed, a survivor. But, make no mistake. It took me six long years to get to this point, and this isn't really the endi...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 16, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Melissa Blake Tags: Health Parenting Psychiatry Relationships Self-Help afte bed sheets cold day committed suicide disability eerie silence family father few moments futility great man national survivors of suicide day rest of my life rest Source Type: consumer

So Much To Know!Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
I wonder how many folks in the general population know that according to "the experts" there are currently ten different personality disorders. I have always been fascinated with the diagnostic value of "personality disorders." I wrote about them in my latest book "The PDR Guide to Pediatric and Adolescent Mental Health" (Thomson Reuters, 2009). What is fascinating about these characterological gems is that you can literally see how they lead to drug abuse and addiction. For example, Borderline Personality Disorder includes abuse/addiction as one of the defining points. Regardless of how "we professionals" may choose to ba...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 16, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Harris B. Stratyner, Ph.D., CASAC Tags: Addiction Anxiety Creativity Psychiatry Relationships Stress Therapy adolescent mental health Borderline Personality Disorder caron treatment centers diagnostic value drug abuse drug addiction food for thought full disclosure Source Type: consumer

"It's Important for Me to Get My Jabs In:" Passive Aggressive Behavior on VH-1's "Sex Rehab"Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Dr. Drew is always good for shedding light on mental health issues; Keri Ann's passive aggressive note to Kendra, on the third episode of VH-1's "Sex Rehab," ought to provide some good material to process in the group's sessions. Check out this clip to watch passive aggresion in action:http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1626189&vid=455635Notice how Keri Ann, unwilling to own her own anger, declares, "This is her anger..." referring to her castmate, Kendra. Passive aggressive people operate by getting others to act out the anger that they are harboring. If you have time, check out the rest of the episode and watch h...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 16, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Signe Whitson, L.S.W. Tags: Relationships Sex Therapy Dr. Drew hidden anger passive aggressive passive aggressive note sex addiction Source Type: consumer

How Much Should One Spend on An Engagement Ring?Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
A common norm regarding how much a man should spend on an engagement ring is three months of his annual salary. One reason for placing such a heavy financial burden on this particular courtship ritual is that it serves as an honest signal of a man's commitment to his prospective wife. In other words, pretenders need not apply.Clearly though, in the same way that people do not always leave 15% of their bill as a tip (even though this is the norm) but rather adjust it up or down as a function of other factors (e.g., service quality), one would expect that the price paid for an engagement ring might too be linked to several e...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 15, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Gad Saad, Ph.D. Tags: Evolutionary Psychology Gender Relationships Sex annual salary average incomes bria bridewealth cost of ring courtship ritual descriptive statistics engagement rings exact issue extraneous variables g service lee cronk marr Source Type: consumer

10 Habits of Happy CouplesEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.1. Go to bed at the same time Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.<!--more--> 2. Cultivate common interests After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the import...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 15, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Dr. Mark Goulston Tags: Relationships anonymity common interests couples default mode different times disagreement Forgiveness happy couples love mark goulston marriage marriage advice mate Memory passion spirit temptation Source Type: consumer

How Saying No to Sex Can Help You Learn to Love It AgainEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
People often ask me to tell them one single thing they can do that will change their sex life for the better. My often surprising response? Say no to sex. That’s right: I firmly believe that the occasional, well-delivered "no" can make for more loving, pleasurable, mindful sex – a topic I spent a good amount of ink writing about in my book, Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, and an idea that has resonated with many women and men I speak with at book clubs, parties, conferences and events. So how does this work? We know from research studies that both women and men – but...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 14, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H. Tags: Relationships Sex bad sex book clubs conferences conflict dread feelings of guilt few minutes having sex love satisfaction sex life sex partner sexual desire sexual pleasure single thing sleep story time unloved wom Source Type: consumer

Reducing Inequalities May Increase EnvyEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
"Where there is no comparison, no envy; and therefore kings are not envied but by kings." Francis Bacon "Some men must follow, and some command, though all are made of clay." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow It is often assumed that a reduction in inequality would lead to a drop in the level of envy. I believe that this assumption is incorrect and that, on the contrary, when inequalities are decreased the level of envy increases. It would appear that the desire to eliminate inequality, that is, our inferior position, is an important component of envy. In consequence two different claims have been raised regarding the envy-inequa...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 14, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. Tags: Philosophy Relationships assumption central concern clay henry contrary desert desire egalitarianism emotions envious people envy equality francis bacon henry wadsworth longfellow inequalities inequality inferior position Source Type: consumer

Can a friendship fall apart over a small slight?Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
QUESTIONHello Irene,I recently lost a best friend whom I'll call "Y." Another friend, "K," approached me to organize a Halloween party at my house a few weeks ago. I agreed with one condition: She had to help me with food, drinks, etc. I invited my other friends, including my best friend "Y."I didn't ask my BF or any other guests for help because I felt that I should take care of the planning with "K." My BF didn't seem too excited about the party from the beginning. She didn't want to dress up and I told her she didn't have to.As it turned out, my BF felt that I excluded her from the party planning and decided not to go. ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 13, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Work advice apology best friend bf bfs colleague different time doing the right thing dressing up for halloween exclusive exclusivity female food drinks friendship friendship expert friendship-killer hallo Source Type: consumer

Getting Smugged: A common crime against your sanityEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
You know the feeling, maybe from an infuriating debate with a self-satisfied, complacent, and condescending bureaucrat.  Your temperature is rising. His is not.  He finds it very amusing to see you getting so worked up. He admires his patience with you. You asked nicely at first. He was offhandedly dismissive.  Frustrated, you tried again, maybe not as nicely.  That got his attention, but not to your request to which his answer is still an offhand no.  Rather, to your bad attitude. A few recent encounters like this, not with bureaucrats but with friends, acquaintances and colleagues made me want to...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 13, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships attitude problem bad attitude Buddhism bullies bully bureaucrat bureaucrats colleagues condescension double bind friends acquaintances gestapo interrogation liars paradox nbsp partner changes patience perf Source Type: consumer

Telling Your Spouse You Want a DivorceEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Discussion This is all you have to say for the first discussion. There will be many more. There are some things you should not do in this first discussion. He may be very anxious about economic issues or he may be anxious about his contact with the children. So he may begin with provocative statements like, "Well don't expect me to move out. I'm not going to be one of those pathetic dads who lives in a flea bitten hole in the wall while you keep everything for yourself. And don't expect me to pay you alimony. If you want this you go support yourself." Here you reassure him that you will be fair and that you are confident t...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 12, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Sam Margulies Tags: Relationships bedrooms beginning divorce civil dialogue counselor critical importance dislocation divorces educated guess flare guilt long time marriage revelation telling about divorce three quarters uninterrupted time w Source Type: consumer

Telling your spouse you want a divorce.Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Discussion This is all you have to say for the first discussion. There will be many more. There are some things you should not do in this first discussion. He may be very anxious about economic issues or he may be anxious about his contact with the children. So he may begin with provocative statements like, "Well don't expect me to move out. I'm not going to be one of those pathetic dads who lives in a flea bitten hole in the wall while you keep everything for yourself. And don't expect me to pay you alimony. If you want this you go support yourself." Here you reassure him that you will be fair and that you are confident t...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 12, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Sam Margulies Tags: Relationships bedrooms beginning divorce civil dialogue counselor critical importance dislocation divorces educated guess flare guilt long time marriage revelation telling about divorce three quarters uninterrupted time w Source Type: consumer

What the lips say about how we feel and think - even deceptionEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
When it comes to feelings and emotions, the lips can be invaluable; they can even help us to detect deception. Ever notice when people are stressed, their lips disappear or get smaller. You often see this at the airport as flights are being cancelled or while watching a movie that is very tense. We certainly see it on the faces of those testifying before congress, in politicians making painful declarations, and even in peoples' reactions to what others have said.   Lips convey a lot of information that is often ignored or not even observed. Rich with nerves and highly vascular, the lips react in real ti...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 12, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Joe Navarro, M.A. Tags: Relationships comfort couples deception discomfort emotions fbi feelings forensic setting limbic brain politicians reactions sentiments Special Agent truth vaso constriction veracity Source Type: consumer

Nine Ways That a Meditating Brain Creates Better RelationshipsEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
It's never too late to have a (brain that's wired as if it had a) happy childhood1Therapists get this question a lot: "Okay, so now that I understand how my history made me a mess when it comes to relationships, what now? It's not like I can go back in time and change my childhood."The "what now" is that there's increasing evidence that the simple practice of mindfulness meditation can re-wire your brain. In key areas, you can literally change and grow neural connections which support finding and creating better relationships. And in nine different ways, your brain can become more like those who grew up knowing how to love...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 11, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Marsha Lucas, Ph.D. Tags: Happiness Morality Neuroscience Relationships Resilience Self-Help anger attachment attunement better management better relationships brain childhood childhood attachment colleagues communication dan siegel daniel siegel Source Type: consumer

A friend's unexpected moveEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
QUESTION:Dear Dr. Levine,I've had a roller coaster relationship with my BF for the last eight years. We both hit it off when our oldest kids (we have 7 in total) met in 1st grade. What began as a "play date" with children grew into a friendship that involved couples weekends, family trips, dinners out, BBQ's, etc. Basically we were inseparable.The friendship has not been without emotional turmoil, however. My BF is the most incredible woman when she is "on". However, she is moody, explosive, jealous and extremely insecure. She has had very few women friendships in her life. I have always been extremely social with lots of ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 11, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Social Life advice bf children close friends collateral damage controlling couples dr levine emotional turmoil family family health family trips friendship Friendship Doctor friendship expert friendships g Source Type: consumer

What's to Say for Secret Relationships?Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
You know you've been writing too much about relationships, when dating agencies start befriending you on twitter! Nonetheless, after making my last post a discussion of the bright side of rebound relationships, I will not yet withdraw myself from the topic, but give it one more go by writing this post about the effects of being in secret romantic relationships; which turn out to be quite negative...Few people fully appreciate the psychological cost of secrets, although psychologists for a while now have been able to demonstrate that"being a keeper of any type of important personal secret is detrimental to well-being".One s...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Daniel R. Hawes Tags: Relationships anita kelly cognitive level colorado state university dating agencies elephant exact thoughts Fears health illustration monograph personal secret pink elephant psychologists rebound relationships romance roman Source Type: consumer

The Mysteries of Pair Bonding (Part II)Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
In Part I, we looked at the neurochemical reality that lies behind our instincts to fall in (and out of) love. We saw that our ancestors may have been pair bonders for a very long time, implying that pair bonding serves important ends for our species. We observed that the same bonding behaviors that effortlessly strengthen our pair bonds also reduce stress and increase well-being. In this article we'll look at a hidden pair-bonder vulnerability that causes misery both in and out of the bedroom. Namely, the tendency to pursue excess. This hazard came to light when scientists offered amphetamines to two v...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Marnia Robinson Tags: Relationships addiction amphetamines appendage bonders brain levels chimps circuitry cleaver cravings dopamine drug trip exaptation instincts intense stimulation limbic brain love addiction oxytocin pair bond pair bon Source Type: consumer

Social Networking and the New MeEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Two recent events; I just published a new book, Relational Being, and my grand-daughter has just told me how thrilled she is at the number of friends she has on Facebook. The two events are related in an important way: There are now over three hundred million users of Facebook, half of whom log on every day of the week. There are also some 340 million people who read blogs, six million users of twitter, and millions of additional folks who spend an hour or two on email each day. These are only samples of the range and numbers currently engaged in some form of social networking. Now consider the kinds of thoughts spinning t...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Kenneth J. Gergen, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Social Life Spirituality colleagues david riesman email grand daughter hundred million lonely crowd music nbsp new me personality styles relational being self-image sixty years social influence Social networ Source Type: consumer

Poaching And The Heart Of LoveEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Deer hunting opener occurred here in Minnesota this past Saturday.  Hundreds of Minnesotans out in the woods trying their best to bag a Bambi.  And for some, their best entailed poaching. Poaching typically involves the placement of highly enticing deer delectables --- a feeder dispensing corn, a field scattered with pumpkins --- so that the unsuspecting prey will get all caught up in the moment and won’t notice that they are in a truly unhealthy situation.   A couple years ago a young man came into my office here at the University wanting to talk about his love interest of the past 5 months.  He was ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: John R. Buri, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships 5 months bambi corn crumbs deer hunting egotistical feeder first night hostess love interest Love; Relationships; Marriage; Intimacy nbsp parking lot pumpkins rude people suggestion unsuspecting prey waitr Source Type: consumer

The Case For Rebound RelationshipsEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Entering a new relationship when you are still feeling emotionally connected to your previous partner is a complicated affair, and most self-help books, newspaper articles and blog posts strictly advise against entering such rebound relationships. Indeed, the average advice column will ordinarily contend that rebound relationships distract us from dealing with lingering emotional ties and are unhealthy in that they keep us from achieving resolution.However, in the July edition of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin we find a study that begs to differ from this popular notion by demonstrating possible merits of r...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Daniel R. Hawes Tags: Relationships advice column american psychological association anxious attachment attachment system breakup breakups emotional ties fear of rejection human psychology longing merits negative feelings obsession personality per Source Type: consumer

A frenemy next door is too close for comfortEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
QUESTION:Dear Irene:I have been friends with the most needy, self absorbed, delusional person for nearly eight years. This woman can be absolutely toxic to the point that I have panic attacks when I feel trapped into interacting with her lately. Ours has never been a 50/50 sort of relationship.I tend to be a loner by choice and I'm quite content to be with my husband and three kids with minimal, if any, social interaction. My friend knows this but doesn't understand that it also applies to her. Of course, as these things go, I am her ONLY friend.This is the "balls to the walls" bizarre part that has thrown this relationshi...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 10, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Social Life Stress across street advice balls to the walls BFF blunt boundaries boundary crazy town errands fashion female frenemy friend friendship friendship expert helpless house irene loner nau Source Type: consumer

On Inter-Racial Trust and Why It's So Hard To Go ThereEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
From the "I just can't go there" file: I recently had a Twitter conversation that reminds me how hard it is to have honest conversations about race, even with those who are really interested in having those conversations. If you don't know Twitter, it's a social network that allows users to "follow" anyone they want (unlike facebook, it need not be reciprocal) and, if both parties are interested, engage in dialog - 140 characters at a time. I've found such dialog, often with complete strangers, to be surprisingly candid. Twitter seems to create a bridge between two (or more people) that allows domain-specific intimacy, a w...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 9, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Mikhail Lyubansky, Ph.D. Tags: Philosophy Politics Relationships bridge conflict conversations dialogue Dominican Republic experiences inter-racial interracial intimacy light skin location matters maleness race racism racist beliefs safety sammy so Source Type: consumer

Lazy Gene theory: A whole new take on self-confidence, love, addiction and co-dependenceEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Evolutionary psychology generally focuses on the ways in which life's age old pursuit of biological reproductive success shapes our mind's activities. Evolution and behavior are related in another way as well.  Evolutionary epistemologists like me are interested in how the minds activities are evolution by other means. We compare and contrast the mind's trial and error processes with mother nature's.  Today I want to give you an example of our work that provides insight into such hot personal topics as self-confidence, love, addiction, and co-dependence.  The first two of these, self-confidence and love soun...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 9, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D. Tags: Addiction Behavioral Economics Evolutionary Psychology Philosophy Relationships Resilience Social Life bad idea biological example co dependence co-dependency commonality evolutionary epistemology evolutionists genes lazy gen Source Type: consumer

For Karen, On the Death of Her Beloved CatEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
I'm writing to say how sorry I am for your loss of Gypsy, your beautiful cat. To lose such a friend, a constant companion, is a heartbreaking experience. I'm writing, too, because I know that sometimes those who don't have live-in pets can't grasp the empty spaces they leave behind when they are gone.Around certain colleagues, acquaintances, and even some friends, you might feel embarrassed as well as bereft. You feel like hiding your grief because somebody might dismiss it or even laugh at it. "All this for a cat?" an oaf might say. "C'mon, you can always get another one."Shrug them off. They don't get it and they never w...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 9, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Regina Barreca, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships accident Australia bad luck cat colleagues companion constant companion death emotions empty spaces final act grief gypsy illness indoor cat interloper loss lower east side manhattan oaf pet death Source Type: consumer

Thank You for Putting Down the Toilet Seat, DearEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
What does complimenting your husband for remembering to put down the toilet seat have to do with making your life a blessing?It is important to pay attention to small acts of generosity and thoughtfulness. It is easy to take them for granted, to focus on waiting for big dramas and significant moments.But the small moments are where change happens and is consolidated.This reminds me of a session I just had with a couple I saw this week. They were a young couple who had been filled with anger and distrust. When they came in the door and I asked how had their week been, he said with disappointment that progress had not been f...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 9, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Ilene Serlin , PhD Tags: Relationships Spirituality Therapy anger commitments despair disappointment distrust generosity gratitude home on time impeccability integrity intention metrics pace parents promises small acts support taking steps Source Type: consumer

The Good Guy ContractEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Twenty years ago, the first woman I ever loved broke my heart. Like many break ups, the end came in stutters and sine waves rather than as an abrupt but mercifully irreversible amputation. However, for reasons I couldn't understand yet quickly began to resent, my ex-girlfriend continued to ask favors of me. And I continued to grant them.Then one morning while chanting I found myself ruminating about how inappropriate it was of her to keep asking, and the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. My indignation continued to intensify after I'd finished chanting and began showering, finally reaching a peak as I r...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 9, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Alex Lickerman, M.D. Tags: Relationships addiction amputation boundaries break ups brick wall delusion ex girlfriend exact moment first woman heart indignation moment of clarity people pleasers roommates self esteem shampoo sine waves startling m Source Type: consumer

My Runaway UnderpantsEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Over coffee with friends recently, the conversation turned to embarrassing moments. The story I told involved an extra pair of underpants creeping out one leg of my jeans and onto a busy street in Lawrence, Kansas, where I was strolling with my husband, Steve.I reviewed my options: Should I back up and retrieve them from the sidewalk? Or should I just keep walking, as if someone else's underwear had magically parachuted down on Massachusetts Street?This very incident had happened to me twice before. I take my jeans and underpants off in one motion, and when I put my jeans back on the next day, I sometimes don't notice that...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 8, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. Tags: Anxiety Happiness Relationships Self-Help busy street conscience different meaning embarrassing moments embarrassment gulit healthy guilt imperfect human beings klutz lawrence kansas massachusetts street overcoming shame pe Source Type: consumer

Don't Expect Co-parenting to be Easy Following DivorceEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
People are constantly taken by surprise and let down when their ex-spouse doesn't measure up as a co-parent after divorce - even when they weren't such a great co-parent before the marital dissolution occurred.Mark's wife, Ann, was a distant mother to their three boys when they lived together in that she never attended any of their school or sporting events. She was not very affectionate and she didn't help them with their daily activities such as homework, bathing and bedtime. Mark took care of all of his boys' needs in this regard.When they split, Ann was actually less involved with the boys than she had ever been. They ...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 8, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Susan Pease Gadoua Tags: Relationships bedtime Career path co-parenting counseling disappointment divorce element of surprise fraction homework len marital dissolution marriage mothering quality time regard slack sporting events wife ann Source Type: consumer

Novel Deftly Explores the Sexual Mechanisms Men Use to Cope With Romantic LossEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
On occasion, after I read a book, I feel compelled to write about it. This happened after I read the new novel "This Is Where I Leave You," by New York Times bestselling author Jonathan Tropper. What a punch this novel packs, replete with betrayal, death, and male existential crises. Specifically, the plot deals with the travails of the protagonist, whose wife falls in love with another man, and tracks the downward spiral that ensures.Few novels capture so accurately how the loss of a woman's love is often accompanied by the battling forces of possession and sexual fantasy. Torn apart by betrayal, and living alone after th...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 7, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Seth Meyers, Ph.D. Tags: Gender Relationships Sex betrayal crises downward spiral epiphanies fantasies favorite book gender differences jonathan tropper joyce carol oates male sexuality masturbation new novel New York Times plot deals protagonist Source Type: consumer

Darling, Should I Cry Over Spilled Milk?Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
"There is no sense in crying over spilt milk. Why bewail what is done and cannot be recalled?" (Sophocles) "Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned." (W. C. Fields) "It doesn't matter how much milk you spill, just so long as you don't lose the cow." (Mark Guilbeau) Are emotional attitudes such as love liable to harbor regrets or dwell on past alternatives or what might have been? Intellectual considerations assume that this would constitute a waste of time and resources, but lovers quite often do experience regret or mourn lost romantic opportunities. Is there any sense in doing this? Should we sometim...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 7, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. Tags: Philosophy Relationships attitudes cow criterion crying over spilt milk emotions faulkner gaze guilbeau limited resources love negative attitude past regret regrets repudiation rest on your laurels romantic opportunitie Source Type: consumer

Lonely Men Commit Mass MurdersEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
A mass murderer has been discovered each of the last three days.  When we examine the men's lives, we are struck by their loneliness and yearning for intimacy, which leads some to strike out in bizarre and violent ways.November 4, 2009. The home of Anthony Sowell, 50, a convicted sex offender, was searched, revealing 10 bodies, along with one skull.  Mr. Sowell had served 15 years for sexual assault. Since 2005, he had lived alone in the top floor of a duplex in a shabby Cleveland neighborhood. Police had come to Mr. Sowell's house because a 21-year-old woman reported that he had assaulted and raped her after lur...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 7, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Stanton Peele Tags: Relationships 9/11 air mattress anthony sowell army officer Cleveland cleveland neighborhood female companionship Fort Hood frozen food inkling jason rodriguez mass murder mass murderer mass murderers Mohamed Atta neighborh Source Type: consumer

Resisting the urge to gossipEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
It's easy to get caught up in gossip. A friend or colleague starts talking about someone you both know. She lays out some juicy information you haven't heard before, almost baiting you to chime in. Whether it's true or not, you reflexively up the ante by spilling a rumor you recently heard about that person, too. Later, you wonder why you responded that way or even regret that you got sucked into the conversation.To some extent, it's human nature to talk about mutual acquaintances and most chitchat is innocuous. When two friends pass along information about other people within the context of a confidential, trusting relati...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 6, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. Tags: Relationships Social Life Work broker changing the subject chitchat critical comments criticism employee female formal staff friend friendship friendship expert gossip hallett harger incidences indiana university innu Source Type: consumer

Relationship break-ups: truths, distortions, and negative emotionsEmail this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Break-ups feel bad for a very good reason: it is in our nature to form attachment bonds with our partners - bonds that resemble in intensity those we made with our parents. When those bonds break, it hurts.One particular kind of breakup is the subject of this post: the breakup in which one person wants to end the relationship, but the other person doesn't. This kind of break-up has a special painfulness to it, because one person gets their heart broken and the other has to live with hurting someone they really care about, in addition to being in pain from the separation themselves.Breakups raise primal negative feelings: g...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 5, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Jenna Baddeley Tags: Relationships anger and fear attempts Bonds break ups breakups couples therapist despair disagreement distortions emotions good reason guilt happiness intensity John Gottman longevity negative feelings sadness worthle Source Type: consumer

Chasing His Potential "'Til Death Do You Part"Email this article to a colleague. Save this article to My Clippings. Discuss or comment on this article.
Leanne is sure her fiance will grow up once their baby is born (she's eight and a half months pregnant and he's still out snorting cocaine until the wee hours of the morning); Beth thought that her husband would have found work by now, but, nine years later, she is beginning to realize that despite his MBA and JD degrees, he has no intention of finding work - even when it means they will have to sell the house because they can't afford the mortgage.These are just two of the many stories i hear about how women chase their man's potential. They are willing to look past the facts, and instead, focus on "who they know he could...
Source: Psychology Today Relationships Center - November 5, 2009 Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Susan Pease Gadoua Tags: Relationships cocaine courtship drugs favorite quote fiance intention magical thinking mark twain marriage Maya Angelou mba men ' s potential mortgage nine years phenomenon proverbial knot wee hours Source Type: consumer